It's Panto time... help needed!

For reasons best known to herself, my SO has agreed to stage a pantomime at her place of work.

She works in a contact centre for a housing association and it will be performed to an audience of cow-orkers, to raise money for a local hospice.

It will be Cinderella but the main thing we need is as many puns and bad jokes as possible…

It’s behind you!

I suggest you use the phrase cow-orker in this production. That should be popular.

It’s hard (for me, perhaps more talented people excel at this) to just think of puns cold. I need context and dialogue. The first thing that popped into my head was “well, if the shoe fits”, but that hardly qualifies…
Of course, I will now spend my day mulling over Cinderella puns at work. Thanks.

Is this, like, a Jeeves and Wooster sort of thing? Smacking one another with umbrellas and such? You guys still do that?

Now, that’s an Idea! I wonder if I can do the script as a Jeeves & Wooster type skit?

Panto does tend to be a lot more childish than that though…

Or a spoonerism on that phrase spoken by the stereotypically mustachioed.

Is it for, er, an old church organ? Perhaps there are vicars involved? Seriously, I can’t believe you guys still do that sort of thing - it sounds unimaginably quaint.

I hope you’ll have a slapstick scene where a couple of amiable duffers manage to lob flour and water around (perhaps while trying to cook a cake for the party).

Panto is a peculiarly British phenomenon, with tropes that go back partly to music hall, and partly to commedia dell’arte. The full name is “pantomime”, it’s traditional to have it around Christmas, and it usually retells a well-known story: Dick Whittington and his cat is one popular theme.

One tradition is that the lead male role is played by a young woman, while a comic role of an older woman (the “dame”) is played by a man. So, typically Dick Whittington would be played by a woman. Another tradition is of animals (e.g., horses or cows) played by two people, leading to jokes at the expense of the actor playing the rear half of the animal. As you might guess, humour can be very broad, and while children will make up a large part of the audience, a lot of the jokes are supposed to go over their heads.

The best way to stage one of these things is:

Don’t waste time with a script/stage directions/lighting/sound anything but -
costumes, make sure that all the cast have good costumes.

When you stage the piece have one of the KEY players walk on stage and IMMEDIATELY have a “heart attack.”

After a bit of drama queen shouting and hand waving you can “regrettably” call the whole thing off and get in to the grog.

It will be far more memorable for the audience than if you had performed the half-assed, lack lustre panto that you would have created.

And if you actually poison and kill the “actor” you may all end up on 20/20.

Great… now she want’s to do a panto in the style of CSI…

I can see it now…

“The suspects fingerprints were found on the glass slipper…”

“… oh no they weren’t!”

Slightly adult panto line…

Innocent Female Lead to male lead:
F: I was thinking about you last night
M: So was I
F: I couldn’t sleep a wink
M: Nor could I
F: I was tossing …
M: <knowing nod to audience>
F: and turning


Good job I HAD a spare keyboard… must not read and drink…

Very ambitious this close to Christmas!

A lot of your jokes are going to be dependent on the Dame. Make sure they pick someone very confident to ad-lib and improvise because that’s the most important part of their role (arguably the most important part of the panto).
Cinderella is quite a difficult one, because usually it requires two dames for the ugly sisters, and they will have to be really really good together.

It’s hard for us to suggest puns and innuendo because it’s dependent on the context. Ones I remember sticking out are from the scenes where characters (usually the clown and the dame) were planning to sing a song. The song suggestions were usually along the lines of:

‘She was only a surgeon’s daughter, but she certainly knew how to operate’
‘She was only the fisherman’s daughter but she knew how to handle a rod’

Good luck with it, sounds like fun.

I am inspired! How about going down a Sex and the City route. The glass slipper can be a Manolo (or whatever the ridiculously expensive shoe du jour is), the ugly sisters can be whatever-their-names are, and Cinders can be Carrie Bradshaw. Prince Charming is ‘Big’. Buttons can be that lame bloke who’s married to one of them or whatever. The Fairy Godmother changes all her shit into designer goods. Lift a load of clean-ish jokes from the SatC scripts.

(Disclaimer: my ex wife watched SatC religiously, but my knowledge of the show is limited mainly to absorbtion by osmosis, though it did make me laugh occasionally, and going to the see the godawful film in the cinema.)

ok… SatC or CSI…
Any other suggestions?