I tell you, one thing that sold us on our new car is that it has a jack for an auxiliary audio input. It’s the little things…
'Cause it’s fun?
Just kidding. I do think people put way too much emphasis on Christmas. It’s like the entire country goes all Chicken Little for an entire month. “The sky is falling! Christmas is coming!” People get all wound up about it.
The songs do get to me sometimes. I’ll never forget sitting in a casino listening to what must have been called “A Very Hoochie Christmas” where the hoochie mama singing managed to make every single song sound the same with all her vocal strainings:
“Haaa-aaa-a-aaa-a-aah-aah-aaavvve-uh Yoo-oo-ooaahahaaha-ur Se-eeel-el-el-elf a Me-eh-eh-uh-rrrry Liiiiiittle-uh Kah-rih-ih-ih-ihs-ma-ah-ah-asssss-uh…”
It took her half a minute to get through each line of the song. I wanted to jab a fork in my eye.
Also Stevie Nicks, though I love her dearly, should have stopped singing about 5 years ago. Her voice is completely shot and she does murder that song. Sorry Stevie, but retire gracefully while you still can!
The latest scourge upon Christmas? Kimberley Locke. I like her fine and her voice is pretty, but “Frosty the Snowman”? “Up On the House Top”? I wonder how she feels about singing such fluff in such a fluffy way.
I don’t know if you’re male or female, but if you had been in Saudi Arabia instead of in the US you would have spent your entire visit only seeing and interacting with the members of the family who are the same sex as you. Not my idea of a good time, though I like women well enough.
My vacations are usually sex and alcohol free, but a country without movies?! C’mon, how many dopers want that?
Uncle Polycarp, that is the best Santa Claus story ever!!!
Whattabout the coal? I’m wonderin’ about the coal. If I have a cheap stocking like Aunt Shirley sez, is Santa gonna fill it with coal? And why does he have so much coal anyway in his sleigh on Christmas Eve? Are flying reindeer coal fueled? Or is it just leftover burnt bits from when Myra burned the Turkey? Maybe I should have listened better… the holidazes and confuses me…
- The songs. All of them. ALL of them.
Sappy. Syrupy. Treacly. Glurgy. At times a belter’s dream (Silent Night), freakishly behind the times (Sleigh Ride), just plain embarrassing (Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas), or more drawn out than the freakin’ national anthem (I’ll Be Home For Christmas). How about miserable (Last Christmas) or with an incredibly narrow focus (White Christmas)?
All of which would be at least tolearable if it wasn’t EVERYWHERE ALL THE GODDAM TIME. Look…during the Clinton inauguration, if you wanted to avoid Don’t Stop Thinking About Tomorrow, all you had to do was change to a different radio station and avoid the TV during certain hours. The constant, pounding droning of this sappy musing, everywhere you go, for a whole goddam month…seriously, am I really the first person to call this “torture”?
And of course, to top it off, the inevitable chickenshit beefs about how this store or that school only plays Christmas songs that don’t explictily mention Jesus, or this singer did some teeny little revision, or there’s too much “personalization”, as if ANY of it made half a rat’s ass worth of difference. Look, when you’re drowning in sewage, does it really matter if part of it is a different color than usual?
(On a related note, what the freak is up with caroling, anyway? The expression “gilding the lily” mean anything to you guys?)
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The traffic.
I don’t mind the commercialization of Christmas, I mind the crap that goes with it, i.e. horrendous traffic (that lasts the entire goddam month, too). Hawaii traffic is dicey under the best of circumstances, but add in a month-long shopping craze and it can take 30 minutes to cover a stretch that’d take 10 in a less-insane time. The hell of it is, everywhere on the island is affected, even streets that aren’t within twenty blocks of a designated overspending location. Even UH football can’t claim that. -
The exclusiveness
Let’s face it, the anxious anticipation of what presents you’re going to get and the joyous surprise when you finally find out is pretty much a childhood thing. I know what I want now, and there’s no thrill whatsoever in adding randomness to the occasion. (Don’t get me started on that “Secret Santa” nonsense.) That, plus all the trappings and the overall mood, clearly make this holidy season something you almost have to be young to appreciate, or at least a parent. Why does it have to be like this? Why can’t grownups celebrate on their own terms and negotiate gifts that they know will be appreciated?
And what worthless know-nothing bottom-feeding goober decided that cash was an inappropriate present? And can I have a better excuse than “it doesn’t have any thought”? Who came up with that brainstom, a BCS committee member? (Insert obligatory “Hey, if you don’t want it, give it to me!” snark.)
- The ignorance
Hey, guess what, it turns out Jesus almost certainly wasn’t born in winter at all! And this whole holiday is just an offshoot of a pagan festival; the whole Christianity thing was just to avoid persecution! And Santa Claus, although historically much different from the jolly fat man with the presents, of course, actually is important to the holiday! Hey, you know the real reason for “Happy Holidays”? Because retailers don’t want to leave out anyone celebrating Hannukah, Kwanzaa, Festivus, Decemberween, or any of the other variants of the Big Winter Holiday Season! And ask any true Christian, and he or she will tell you that what Jesus accomplished in his life, what he represented, the kind of person he was (hint: He healed ostracized lepers, ministered to prostitutes and tax collectors, and denounced violence as a solution, among other things), and the vast, revolutionary impact he had on world history are far more important than the fact that the guy was born. Is there any discussion whatsoever on any of this (besides here, of course)? Is it ever going to be anything other than commercialism and the reason for the season and the latest hot new gift and this asinine “War on Christmas” crap and incredibly petty nitpicking about the 20 or so songs that get played ad nauseum?
Whew…okay, felt good to get all that out. All right, no more Christmas ranting from me, ever again. Seriously. (Winamp is a wonderful thing. 
)
Worse than cheery Christmas music? Depressing, suicide-inducing Christmas music. I give you Exhibit A, Christmas in Fallujah, written by Billy Joel and performed by an unknown named Cass Dillon. Damn. Just damn. I heard that on a local indie radio station the other day, and I can only hope they don’t play it anywhere NEAR a war zone.
I mean, I’m a big fan of Weird Al’s “Christmas at Ground Zero,” but that’s meant as a JOKE! Billy Joel apparently wants the rest of our troops to just kill themselves and save the terrorists the trouble. As an example:
Merry Christmas and a happy suicide to you, too!
- The music. This year, I have made a point of warmly congratulating and thanking clerks at stores where the music is absent or inaudible. Being Pagan anyway, I only have a use for a few Christmas songs (“Adeste Fideles”, “The 12 Days of Christmas”, “Deck the Halls”, and Jesse Winchester’s cover of “Let’s Make a Baby King”) but Muzak seems to have no purpose other than irritating the hell out of everybody, especially the clerks, and making me hate songs I used to like (I used to like “Les anges dans nos campagnes” but Muzak has just about ruined it for me).
In my neighbourhood, they have placed, I shit you not, Muzak speakers on the lampposts along the main shopping street, which I walk along to get to the metro. It’s bad enough on a usual basis, but during December it’s intolerable.
- The abominable decorations on our street. Last year was the Apotheosis of Inflatable, which mercifully seems to have died down this year – for example, the ghastly people downstairs have moved away (and been replaced by other ghastly people) and taken their animatronic Rudolph-pulls-Santa-out-of-the-chimney-then-lowers-him-again-in-a-way-that-makes-it-look-like-Santa’s-doing-something-obscene-to-him lawn ornament with them. There are also generally fewer illuminated reindeer skeletons, skating penguins in giant snow globes, and such. But the huge Nutcracker Prince inflatable portal over the door of the daycare centre down the street is still going strong. I wonder how long they had to go without disinfectant to afford that one.
I know I’m going to get stomped on for this, but just have a little compassion for the passenger…
My hubby LOVES Christmas. He loves snow, and he especially loves TRAFFIC. The sicko. He will drive to the mall, and just get on in there with all the other cars on the road and add to the traffic jam. He won’t shop, he’ll just drive around. He cranks up the Christmas carols and will sit forever, he never gets impatient. He’ll drive extra slow, enjoying the store decorations, the honking horns, the rude gestures. He hates to actually park and go in and shop, he’d rather drive around for centuries.
And there’s me in the passenger seat, waving at everyone, mouthing “I’m SO sorry.”
Ever get behind an asshat and wonder “What the hell, Stooge, you got nothin better to do than be in my way doing 1 mile an hour?” No. No, he doesn’t. He LIVES for it. They do exist.