I sent a friend of mine an email with four loverly picture attachments at exactly 9:05pm CST on Wednesday. Two nights ago. It is still in my MSN outbox, with this little white envelope dancing away, screaming mercilessly at me through my monitor “Sending Mail…”
But I am at peace.
For the first 27 hours I was irked, outraged, pissed-- well, my emotions were truly all over the place.
Then, in hours 28-39, a feeling of wonderment came over me. “Just how long can this irrelevant piece of e-correspondence dangle in the ether?” I asked myself. “And just how long can I sit here staring at my computer screen?” I silently prayed for it to make it to an even 40.
Hour 40 rolls around. Still there. Still in my outbox. At this point, after sustaining myself for the past day and a half on tap water and hamburger buns staring at a flickering monitor with no sleep, the little dancing envelope had seemingly hypnotized me. Mesmorized me. Befriended me.
But wait! Suddenly a new message was appearing before me. A giant “!” had replaced my little dancing envelope. And the message “Sending Mail…” had been replaced with a new one.
“**A Connection Error has Prevented Messages from Being Sent or Received. MSN Appologizes for the Inconvenience.” **
O no. ‘Dear Johnny!’ I screamed. I panicked. I jolted my cramped right arm to life and hurredly clicked on the refresh button at the top of my screen.
Ahh. My little dancing envelope returned. My little friend.
Hour 41 hit and all was right with the world. My message was still being sent with no more return visits from the dreaded red exclamation point of death. I still had one bun left, and the tap water was cold, but not too cold. I fucking hate it when it gets too cold. Hurts the teeth.
Hours 42 and 43 were pretty much a blur. I’m pretty sure somebody spoke to me in that 2-hour span. But that can’t be, for I live alone.
Hour 44, the dozen hamburger buns I had consumed decided it was time to move on. Bye-bye fellas! I bid them adieu with a mighty flush, and scampered back to my post.
Luckily, the email was still in my outbox.
Hours 45-48, I admit I hit the wall. You know, I think I went a little loopy. I became replused by my very existance. My two stupid legs just laying there, all like “Hey Happy! You’re a LOSER! You just spent 2 flippin’ days doing absolutely nothing!” So I yelled back, “You know what?!? You did too!!” They basically had very little to say after that. Worth repeating, anyway.
As I watched hour 49 turn over on the clock, I came to. I got up, stretched a little, and realized that I was just going a little stir crazy. The mind can play tricks on you when you’re not looking, ya know! But I shook the cobwebs out of my head and smiled.
“Boy Happy, you almost lost it there for a minute,” I chuckled to myself. “Good thing no one saw you yelling at your legs!”
“It’s even better that no one heard the filthy things they were yelling at me,” I replied.
So here it is, hour 50. Regrets? Maybe a few. Questions? You betcha. Am I going to bed? Heck-diddly-no! I just know that at any minute now my friend will be delighted when she receives my email with the loverly picture attachments sent at exactly 9:05pm CST on Wednesday. I know she’s sitting by her computer waiting too, for I have been communicating with her through a potato that’s sitting here next to my computer.
How did this potato get here anyways?
Ahh, I don’t care, for I am at peace.
Yours until Niagra Falls,
Happy
