To all those who still haven’t ordered J. Dean Tyler’s Dickanetics;
I would simply like to share my experiences and the miraculous changes that have taken place in my household since my husband ordered Dickanetics.
Firstly, I must admit that I was skeptical. How could one volume possibly contain all the information that the infomercial said it did? Well I was in for a surprise! Dickanetics arrived in a handsome leatherette case embossed with likeness of an uncut penis. I was impressed! But that’s not all! J. Dean Tyler also included a button saying “My Penis Has More Skin than Yours”- isn’t that cute? You can order more pins that say things like “You Are Inferior, Snip Dick” and “Got Foreskin?” for only $9.99 each.
But the real miracle is in the book. I wasn’t sure what a woman could gain from reading Dickanetics, but let me tell you that it was well worth it. The main thing I learned was that I was NOT deriving any pleasure from the inferior act of penetration during sex. I learned that what I had considered to be orgasms were merely a conditioned response encouraged by the MGM establishment. According to J. Dean Tyler, the only true pleasure comes from Dorsal Side Rubbing, which I was eager to learn. At first, DSR seemed, well, strange. But J. Dean Tyler (he’s so smart!) realized that some women would need help adapting to the superior technique of DSR, so he included a simple exercise. The woman simply buys a pair of jeans that are at least three sizes too small (the tighter the better) and wears them throughout her daily activities. The friction of the crotch-seam helps condition her for long, LONG sessions of DSR. An order form for Camel-Toe brand jeans was even included with the book!
Now that we have both experienced the wisdom of Dickanetics, my husband and I are much happier and more productive people. Why, my house has never been cleaner! I am constantly rearranging furniture, beating rugs, scrubbing floors, scraping pots and pans, defrosting the freezer, and polishing EVERYTHING in sight! And the best thing is that I can do all these chores without feeling that I am neglecting my husband in my marital duties. After all, even a quick perusal of Dickanetics makes it abundantly clear that women are not necessary for an intact man’s sexual well-being. In fact, my husband can now stimulate himself for hours and hours and I don’t even need to be there! Just imagine what a productive workforce of women there will be once Dickanetics is the guideline by which we all live.
If you are a married woman whose husband has not already seen the light of Dickanetics, I encourage you to order FOR him today. You will find yourself with more free time than you know what to do with!
Thanks to Ima for another testimony! This proves that 100% of posters to this thread prefer sex the J. Dean Tyler way!
Agent LeMan–you greatly misunderstand the P-meter procedure! The P-meter is designed to weed out heathens who infiltrate our ranks! Whenever an incomplete man comes to our office, we attach the P-meter to his half-dick. Then we ask him some simple, everyday questions like “What do women do during orgasm?” and “Who runs the evil MGM Establishment?” If any of their answers are inconsistant in any way to the teachings of J. Dean Tyler, we attach the other end of the P-meter to a car battery. In this way we keep the Church of Circumscientology absolutely pure!
Porcupine–Of course I can’t have your baby! As you well know, the intact foreskin serves as a built-in vacuum to remove all traces of ejaculate from the woman, thereby avoiding “the wet spot!” (Astute readers will notice that this means that J. Dean Tyler will thus be unable to bear children. We at the Church of Circumscientology believe this qualifies Our Leader for a prestigious Darwin Award!)
Giraffe–You have to join the Church of Circumscientology today, if not sooner! We can’t let you go around in your disgusting circumcised state. You might break into the Pentagon and launch a nuclear attack on several major cities!
Coldfire–Yes. We expect a check for $3 billion in the post from you soon. And, to compensate for the loss of your Tug-Ahoy™ PLUS!, we’re sending you a “Plastic Paula” absolutely free of charge! Get ready for those erotic sensations!
the Church of Circumscientology- at the cutting edge of pseudoscientific cercumcision research
Order Now! Order now! Order Now! and, as well as DIKANETICS!, you will also recieve a copy of Circumstrati Illuminati’s brand new album, “I’m gonna get you, Tugger!”
Gangsta Rap’s great new Hope, available for you!
get down whit some of the phattest new beats you ever heard!! 100% uncut!
Including such man pleasing anthems as
“Are you down with the JDT”,
“Check my Dorsal side Action”,
“lay there and do nuthin’ while I get on with my self-lovin”
“Let me point my Erection in your General Direction”
and the all time classic remix of “Half the Man I used to be”!!
And, as a special bonus CD, get the Head of our Church, the Notorious J.D.T., solo project “My CutTop ReeBoks”!
Both these CD’s Absolutely Free with every copy of…
[sorry, Duke]Oooh, Cubby, your post was so funny. I especially liked the part where you talked about CDs and then you made up funny song titles. That was cool. I just wanted to acknowledge this in a public way. And from now on I will follow you around the board, posting just after you, so you will never, ever again feel the pain of killing a thread. Because I wub you.[/sorry, Duke].
BTW, not only is Duke funny & smart, he is also cute and he has the cutest dog in the world.
I have reached a new low on this board…I think I’ll go hide someplace.
New research by our mighty leader, JDT, is in the process of being maybe, probably, someday published on a spurious website! This excellent research, made possible by cutting edge LAOMD technology, will help spread the truth of The Church of Circumscientology to the poor, cut men of the world!
Men suffering the shame and degredation of a circumsized penis.
Men suffering from rowdy, loud sex.
Men suffering from lying in the wet spot.
Imagine, never being able to experience true erotic sensation, never knowing the joys of a piss-wash, or the pleasure of hiding Mr. Winkey in his own, custom-made sweater.
To aid us in the publication of this up-to-the minute data and research, send your check, cash or money order to:
The Church of Circumscientology
69 Big Dick Way
Dry Prong, LA 00001
(Please note that The Church of Circumscientology is not a 503(b) recognized entity at this time. As soon as the application with the IRS is approved, a giving statement reflecting your generous donation will be sent via donkey-courier through China. Really, it will. Honest.)
DRY: You didn’t click on my link!?!? Geez, why do I break my back for you people? There IS a place called “Dry Prong”, but I’m not sure what the ZIP(per) code is. The company I work for shipped some stuff to their school district when I was working in the warehouse several years ago. I saw the name of the school on the shipping label (Dry Prong Junior High), and snickeringly nudged the woman working next to me. She, without missing a beat, deadpanned: “Yeah, it makes you wonder what their school mascot looks like.” I had to take my break, I was laughing so hard. They’ve got a restaurant called the “Dairy Maide.” There’s got to be a joke in there, somewhere.
