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How can I experience forty minutes of erotic sensations? (p. 69)
Who stole half my dick? (p. 1/2)
How can I be a credible expert in a field I know absolutely nothing about? (p. 0)
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Do you want answers to all these questions and more? Read DICKANETICS by J. Dean Tyler! Available only at your local Church of Circumscientology center.
J. Dean Tyler, the founder of the Church of Circumscientology, is a “credible expert” on male genital mutilation (MGM). The Church of Circumscientology believes in the one true and omnipotent god: the foreskin. It is J. Dean Tyler’s mission on Earth to smash those persons who would steal foreskins from potentially virile males, and to restore foreskins to the penii of frustrated, dangerous, potential world-destroyers by using the Tug-Ahoy™ penis puller.
J. Dean Tyler wrote DICKANETICS after extensive research of two books and a non-existent survey, and after several weeks looking at internet porn sites. DICKANETICS exposes the evil doings of the MGM Establishment, a vast and all-powerful coterie which includes Jews, Muslims, Christians, atheists, Buddists, Al Gore, George W. Bush, Nelson Mandela, doctors, health specialists, nurses, ambulance drivers, black people, white people, Samoans, the ancient Egyptians, J. Dean Tyler’s astrophysics professor at UCLA, and everyone else with an iota of common sense. DICKANETICS also reveals the two true paths to sexual nirvana: 1. Rubbing the dorsal side of your penis against the nearest available woman, or 2. all-day, all-night masturbation. DICKANETICS proves that everything you ever believed about sex is wrong!
DICKANETICS also reveals:
[ul]
[li]the hitherto-unknown uses of the foreskin: to eliminate “the wet spot” during sex, to carry vital amounts of drinking water during enforced marches across the desert, and as an improptu shot glass while mixing "cock"tails[/li][li]which side of your penis is supposed to be the dorsal side[/li][li]female foreskins–and how to ignore them[/li][li]how to “power-suck” breasts[/li][li]how Big Business is in cahoots with the MGM Establishment–their offending products include everyday items such as Ginsu knives, MacCulloch chainsaws and Royal Daulton serrated-edge spoons[/li][li]the lies about female enjoyment of sex–and how the proper female response to orgasm involves playing dead[/li][li]how the Roundhead Brigade of circumcised males intends to unleash nuclear disaster on our planet[/li][/ul]
DICKANETICS concludes with a set of blank pages–these represent the pages which would be chock-full of revealing research and fascinating facts, if only the MGM Establishment hadn’t censored all of it, honest. There is also a page of amazing Internet links to the site of The UNited Commission of Unmolested Tallywhackers (UNCUT), J. Dean Tyler’s homepage, and some choice porn sites.
Don’t delay! Buy DICKANETICS today! Unless you’re looking at some choice porn sites–we’ll understand.
ALSO AVAILABLE FROM THE CHURCH OF CIRCUMSCIENTOLOGY!
Church of Circumscientology MD (Master of DICKANETICS) Diploma ($200)
This certificate proves that you are a credible expert in DICKANETICS. Absolutely no research whatsoever is required to receive this diploma! No need to attend any lectures or classes–that kind of thing only turns you into an educated idiot. Our MD Diploma comes in an attractive pink jelli frame, and measures fifteen square inches.
"Plastic Paula" the DICKANETICS Companion ($2,666)
Frustrated by women who suggest what to do in bed and inconsiderately thrash about screaming “Oh my God!” and “Yes, yes, yes!”? “Plastic Paula” is designed for you! This blow-up doll, er, surrogate partner will help you to have sex the J. Dean Tyler way! “Plastic Paula” is guaranteed never to make any sounds, and her arms and legs will not move even during forty minutes of vigorous dorsal-side rubbing! Features include no hot holes (since, as all Masters of DICKANETICS know, penetration is substandard sex and uncut males don’t do oral or anal), nipples you can power-suck or push deep into the breasts, and a clitoris you can replace after you’ve worn it down to a tiny stump. “Plastic Paula” is also easy to clean, in the highly unlikely event that your foreskin does not prevent “the wet spot.” Also for sale–“Sleepy Sarah” and “Narcoleptic Nellie.”
Tug-Ahoy™ PLUS! ($3 billion a year)
Are you tired of standing around wearing nothing but your Tug-Ahoy™ and socks waiting for your foreskin to regenerate? That’s why we at the Church of Circumscientology invented the Tug-Ahoy™ PLUS! Simply climb up onto the roof our your house, attach one end of the Tug-Ahoy™ PLUS! to your penis, and the other end to a heavy object. Now throw the heavy object over the side and PRESTO! You’re ready for sex the J. Dean Tyler way! [sub](Disclaimer: The Church of Circumscientology is in no way responsible for any injuries caused to people stupid enough to actually use Tug-Ahoy™ PLUS!)[/sub]
For these and other amazing products, just call 1-555-IM UNCUT. J. Dean Tyler will be there 24 hours a day, and he can answer the phone with his free hand!