Jackass customer stories

The BBQ Pit
81

So I used to work at a national coffee shop chain. Two key pieces of information:

  • the chain has daily trivia questions. The first ten people to get the question right win a free coffee. If they don’t want a coffee right then (or if they have already paid for it) they get a coupon for a free coffee.

  • the chain (at the time) was very concerned with “freshness” and we had to put a fresh pot on for any customer who asked.

So this one woman used to come into my store regularly, almost every day, and ask for a fresh pot of Noisette. She was one of those cloyingly, patronizingly obnoxious customers who would call you by your first name as if you were her friend (or her maid), as in “Oh, cowgirl …” [wiggles fingers] “Can you put on a fresh pot of Noisette? You know how I like my coffee fresh …” [giggle]

argh! We had to do it because she was the customer. She knew me well because I worked at probably a dozen different locations over the course of three years, and believe me when I tell you she came into every single location, many times, while I was there. I made hundreds of fresh pots of Noisette for this og-forsaken woman, through much silent cursing and clenching of teeth and fantasies about accidentally spilling a fresh pot of Noisette on a pair of senile obnxious hands. There was just something about her that made me absolutely crazy.

Now, I never saw her pay for a coffee, she always had a coupon. We found this odd because the only way to get a coupon was to get the trivia question right, and I had never seen her get the question right. (The only other way to get a coupon - or coupons in the numbers she seemed to have them - was to snitch a pad of them when nobody was looking; I’m still not convinced she didn’t do this, although this wasn’t her main modus operandi, see below)

So one day it was really quiet. She came in and asked for the pot. While she was waiting she took a shot at the trivia question. The question was “Who was known as the King of the Delta Blues?” (My question. Heh heh. Making up questions was my favourite part of the job.) She said “Hmm … Delta Blues … now, is that baseball or football?” I smirked inwardly and shook my head. She retired to the back of the store (four feet away) to await her fresh pot, and I resumed ignoring her.

Another customer came in, picked up his coffee, correctly guessed “Robert Johnson!” We had a lovely chat about delta blues and he took his free coffee and went on his merry way.

The fresh pot of Noisette finished, N.L got her cup and handed me her inevitable coupon. As she did, she said “The trivia question - is it Robert Johnson?”

Realization dawned on me. I saw the clouds part and the light shine through. I could feel the expression on my face changing because, although I said nothing, I could see the expression on her face changing from one of simpering obnoxiousness to one of embarassment and horror at finally being caught out. I gave back her coupon and she left with the coffee, with a cloud of malice surrounding her.

She never came in again. I worked at that store every day from 6-1 and continued to do so for several months. Except one day, for some reason I stayed until 2.

Sure enough, at about 1:15, who should show her hideous face in my store but the Noisette Lady herself.

She saw me behind the counter, turned on her heel and left.

I never saw her again.

Bitch.

82

IME this is the same type of person who would write letters to your corporate office and franchise owners complaining about your poor attitude until they fired you, just so she could keep getting her free coffee.

83

Ohhhh…god. I remember working at a gas station. What fun gas station customers are. I was actually working in the back food preparation area while my friend Matt was working the gas station register. He had gone outside to do trashes, so I was watching the register for him. A lady comes in and tells me to turn the pump on for her husband.
Me: “Sorry, I can’t turn the pump on without having money put on the register first.”
Her: “Well I have money on me, you can just turn it on now.”
Me: “No, sorry, that isn’t how it works.”
Now, it’s the policy of the owner not to allow customers to pump before they pay. The penalty for drive-offs was to have it taken out of your paycheck (which I am fairly certain is illegal). On top of that, it wasn’t my register. So if any discrepancy was found, I wouldn’t be the one in trouble. Matt would have been, making me even less likely to bend the rules for this stranger.
She pulls out a wad of $1s and shows it to me. “This should be enough, just turn the fucking thing on.” I say “Sorry, money must be in the register first.” So she throws the money at me and walks away.
I am getting very nervous at the prospect of her throwing a wad of money, which amounted to about $400 in rolled up $20s, and then possibly accusing me of stealing her money. So I very obviously in front of the cameras take five $20s out of the wad, put it into the register, take the receipt and put it with the rest of the money, find the woman and give it back to her.

Unfortunately, I also worked for Subway which was in the same building. Our owner happened to opt out of participating in the Sub Club[sup]TM[/sup] campaign, and nearly a dozen times a week I was actually screamed at for telling a customer that we couldn’t accept them. But it says Subway on the card, and you say Subway on your signs, therefore you HAVE to take them and I don’t have to pay for anything.
I pointed out every time that on each card it also says “At participating locations only” and we happened not to participate. No use. I was still an “idiot”. They were still calling corporate headquarters. Not that they’d tell them anything different.

I have also had a lot of experience in pharmacy.
Once a lady came in to get her prescription refilled. She wanted a particular generic, fine. We filled the prescription, unfortunately they stopped making the generic or the particular generic that once existed (roughly 2 years before). She comes in to pay, and it is roughly $100. She bitches, and moans, and complains about how she has always gotten the generic and it has always been less than $20. Our pharmacist says this is impossible, they haven’t been available for over 2 years. She huffs even more saying how he must be an idiot to not know that the generic is indeed available and she may even have some pills at home, and what we are trying to give her, she has never seen before. She finally buys it and leaves. We go back to check her profile to see what she got before…the exact same medication we dispensed today. At the exact same $100+ price. For roughly 10 months…the last 10 months. Consecutively.

Then there are the hundreds of people who blame the pharmacy for the copay…the copay that is set by the insurance company.

Then there was the lady who came in just yesterday to get a prescription filled for her…using the Medicaid card given to her for her unborn fetus. We billed Medicaid using the numbers on the card, and were given a rejection saying “Coverage not yet activated. Patient unborn.” So we tell her that, and she says “This is impossible, I have been using this card for AGES and this is what is getting me medical care everywhere. You must be doing something wrong.” So we delete the prescription, delete the insurance information, put it all back in, show her the comparative numbers, and resubmit the claim. Still, the patient is still unborn, evidently. She screams at us about how “This is why they go to Walgreens”.
Okay, please do.
-foxy
Who has spent way too much time dealing with customers.

84

I’m guessing this was a lot more common in the days before everyone had a CD burner.

85

I think we did the same. It wasn’t my problem, so I don’t think I really paid too much attention.

Now, the porn mags . . . We used to have young boys come in to look at the Playboy, etc. They were so clever, because they would take the mag from the rack at the front of the store, then walk to the back of the store to the children’s section, put the magazine inside the children’s book, then read it that way.

We’d usually catch them heading back there. I’d signal another employee and we’d flank the aisle – walk to the back of the store together so that we ended up on opposite ends of the aisle the boys were in, effectively trapping them. We’d then ask the boys for ID. (We’d never ask how old they were – asking for ID was much more intimidating.) Then we’d take the mag and kick 'em out of the store. Then we’d call the other bookstore in the mall and alert them. Usually, about ten minutes later, we’d get a call from that store: “Got 'em. Thanks.”

Ah, good times, that old bookstore.

86

great story. I love it when one customer says what you’d like to say.

Ar Sears sporting goods mu coworker was trying to help a customer when she noticed a small girl playing on a treadmill. This is a no no. It’s dangerous and they could get hurt. She excused herself and went over and turned off the treadmill and informed the child that she wasn’t allowed to play on them. The cjild leaves and comes back in a minute to climb on another treadmill. My coworker excuses her self from the very same customers, stops her and tells her again that she’s not allowed to play on them. The girls responds “My Daddy said I could”
Employee; “Your Daddy is mistaken, you can’t” Little girl goes away. As my coworker is trying to answer these same customers questions little girl returns with Dad who berates the my coworker for saying no to his little angel after he had given her permission to play on the treadmills. As my coworker is trying to respond her customer steps forward and says “Look jackass, this lady is trying to wait on us and I suggest you take your attitude and your spoiled rotten kid and GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.” Hooray for cool customers!!!

87

The point of the policy was clear, it just didn’t seem to help sales the way it was obviously intended. It was the heyday of Napster as well as the advent of widely-available CD burning, and being able to bring back a CD doesn’t compare with being able to download it for free.

This was a mall record store chain in a major city, so it wasn’t geared toward hard-core music fans. The indie record store I frequent has had a no-return policy as long as I’ve shopped there, and it’s continued to do pretty well.

The story this reminds me of isn’t about jackass as much as clueless customers. I was working one afternoon when a teenaged guy and girl came in and asked for Opus 3’s Mind Fruit.
I didn’t think we did, but I checked the computer.
“We don’t have it,” I said.
“Do you know where we could get it?” the guy asked.
“I’d try some place like Waterloo,” I said, trying to think of where all I would look if I liked electronica better.
“Would we have to go down Sixth Street to get there?” he asked.
“You definitely could,” I said.
“Where else could we look?” he asked. “We’re from San Antonio.”
“I’m surprised you didn’t find it there,” my manager-in-training interjected, having overheard everything. “San Antonio’s bigger than Austin.”
“We thought Austin would have it, because of the, you know, underground,” the guy said.

We gave them as lengthy a list of possible stores as possible, watched them leave, then turned to each other in amazement and asked “If you’re looking for an underground store, why come to a mall?”

I hoped they would find it. I wonder if they ever did.

88

Well, your lady made a good point about trying to know the stock but your manager was right that it’s not realistic to expect perfection. If a shop specilizes in a certain thing then I tend to expect more. In a department store that carries a wide variety of merchandise it isn’t reasonable to expect employees to be experts.
I have noticed an annoying trend in some employees to answer incorrectly when they’re not sure. Customers don’t appreciate that. I’ve called to ask a specific question about a product to have the employee say. “I’m fairly sure it does X and Y”
Me; “Fairly sure means you don’t know right? Would you mind going and checking the label on the box so we can be sure? I didn’t call so you could guess. I can do that myself without calling”
I guess that puts me in contention for being jackass customer but it’s a pet peeve of mine.

Some customers do have unrealistic expectations of what employees should know. When I was in a band a couple came up to ask if we knew song A.
“No I’m sorry we don’t”
“How about song B”
“I’m sorry we don’t know that one either”
“Well sheesh, those are both popular songs”
I realize that but there are literally hundreds of popular songs , and we can’t know them all"
“Man; “Well if you’re going to be in a band and play for the public I think you should be able to play any request they make”
Me; Really? You know what, only someone who has never done this at all would ever make a statement like that one”
They’re probably not fans.

89

You’d be amazed at the petty dishonest crap people will do to save a couple of bucks. One of my coworkers started to brag about how complaining at a certain resturant chain got him free meals on a regular basis. He thought he was clever, butu he stopped his story when the look on my face told him I didn’t think so.

We used to have a price matching policy and it surprised me how often people would lie about seeing something for less at another store to save a minor amount. One little game was to find a store that was sellingan item for say $50 with no rebate. We were selling it for $90 with a $40 dollar mail in rebate Same end price. This would happen fairly often because a mail in rebate would prelude a permanent price change. The obvious thing would be to buy it for the lower price and not mess with the rebate but what people often tried to do was get us to match the lower price so they could still get our mail in rebate and get the item for little or nothing. I had no problem with someone asking us to match price. Who doesn’t like to save money? What irked me was the ones who got nasty when we said no because of the mail in rebate. One guy stood there and argued with a manager for 15 minutes in front of his own young son, insisting that we were legally bound do what he wanted because of our own written policy. Um…No.

90

Actually, the reason this incident particularly stung me is because what I’ve been doing lately is trying to BE as much of an expert as possible. Every free minute, I’ve been memorizing the names of the colors/patterns of the towels and sheets. I just happened not to get to the Ralph Lauren yet; I’m still stuck on the store brand. (We have 26 different colors of one variety of store-brand towels.)

This came about mainly because people are always coming in with wedding registry lists, and when they say, “I need a set of [store brand] in Meadow,” I don’t want to have to go along the shelf, flipping one label after another until I finally find Meadow. But in this case, the [del]bitch[/del] customer didn’t give me the name of the pattern, just a description. And she really didn’t even give me a chance to be right.

Plus which, after thinking it over, I realized that her three-minute observation of my “talking too much” and “saying stupid things” was not long enough for her to be aware of something equally important: my listening skills. We get a lot of ESL customers, and it’s become instinctive with me to translate their broken English on the spot. I don’t believe I’ve ever left an ESL customer in the lurch.

As for this woman’s “advice”, though, it pretty much went in one ear and out the other. I was just worried that she would write a ten-page dissertation on why I didn’t deserve my job, and management might take it seriously. People like that, i just figure they’re from a more upscale community, and they’re only at my mall because their car got a flat tire and they’re hanging out while waiting for AAA.

91

[QUOTE=cute witty username

and then another supervisor - also a good friend of mine - came back to check on me and said that they’d just exchanged their tickets for the showtime i recommended, because…

all the seats were scattered. and in the front row.

.[/QUOTE]

I’m convinced that some customers like to exert their “power” over store employees just to make themselves feel more powerful. It’s sad and pathetic and still irks me when it happens.
Your little weasel of a man couldn’t come apologize to you after being such a jackass.

The regional manager of canon printers was going into an office supply store at the exact moment a customer was venting his righteous anger at the store manager for having to return his third POS Canon printer. The store manager seized the opportunity to turn Mr. Congeniality over to the Canon rep.
Irrate customer vents on Canon rep and explains how he’s had to return three POS Canon printers so far.
“Is this the one you just returned?”
“Yes thats the POS I just returned”
Canon Rep looks through box and removes three ink cartridges still in their plastic wrap. “you do realize that you have to put the ink in the printer to make it print don’t you?”
Customer looks at ink, turns and walks out without a word. La-hooo—za–heerrrr

92

That is a really funny story. What quick thinking on her part.

I could never quite figure out why customers insist on argueing over the price. If you don’t think it’s worth it then don’t buy it. If you want to offer less thats okay but why argue the point. Here’s one I just heard today.

There was a salesman at a music story who had a little crazy streak when it came to customer BS. A great guitar that normally sold for a $1500 was on close out for $900.
A decent savings. A customer wanted the guitar but offered $700.
“No sir, it’s $900 and thats a great buy”
The customer keeps argueing and wanting the guitar for $700. The salesman takes a few steps back and says “toss me the guitar”
“What?”
“Toss me the guitar”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, I’m sure, toss it”
Customer tosses guitar and the salesman steps aside and lets the guitar crash to the floor.
“OKay, you can have it for $700”

Isn’t that a riot?

93

That shows more initiative and pride in doing a good job than I usually see in younger employees. Good for you. If a store has a large inventory then I wouldn’t expect an emplyee to memorize every item and where it was. I appreciate an employee who I know is sincerely trying to help even if it is less than perfect.

94

Okay, since I used to be the night manager at a franchise-operated Blockbuster Video, I naturally have a ton of these. I’ll start with a milder one.

Our policy was that if it’s in any way possible that we made a mistake, however unlikely, we’d give the customer the BOD (benefit of the doubt). Then, if said custoemr had another issue, we’d give the BOD again. A third issue waranted referral to the store manager, who would usually give another BOD. After that, they got nothing unless they asked to speak to the district manager (guess what he usually did). So, having laid out how to rip off my former place of employment (I encourage it), let me relate a couple of mild stories. Perhaps later I’ll come back and tell the one that got me fired.
**
One Trick Pony**

An elderly woman came up to my register (you’d be surprised at how many stories start this way), and I brought up her account. She had a late fee, I informed her of this, and she said she didn’t rent the movie. I give the BOD, erase the fee, and put a warning on her account informing other employees to insure that her ID is checked and reminding them to place a comment on the account indicating that they followed procedure. A warning, in BBV terms, places a flashing notice on the screen whenever that account is brought up from the database.

A few weeks later, she comes in again. Another late fee. She again claims she didn’t rent the movie. I notice that the account was documented acccording to procedure, but the employee wasn’t one of the people I knew well, so I do what I’m supposed to (again) and erase the fee. I tell her that in order to crack down on whomever is using her account, I am placing a hold on it. A hold requires the intervention of a manager to override before any activity can commence on the account. I explain to her that this may add a minute or two to her checkout times, but that it would ensure that no one else could use her account. She agrees and leaves.

Next week, I see her again. I point her out to my co-worker and tell him (he’s new) that if she gets in his line, he’ll have to call me over to remove the hold. She makes her selection and approaches his register. I go over to the register and remove the hold. While doing so, I note that there is a late fee on there from the movie I rented to her previously. I tell her thusly. She tells me with an absolutely straight face that she did not rent the movie. I blink twice and look in her eyes, searching for that little gleam of recognition before I continue the conversation.

“Ma’am, do you remember when you had a hold placed on your account to ensure that no other renters used your account?” I asked, incredulous.

“Yes.”

“I was the employee you spoke with at that time. Do you recall me telling you that the hold meant that anyone renting on your account would have to show ID to a manager?”

“Yes.”

“At the conclusion of that transaction, after I removed your late fees, I rented you a movie. The very movie, in fact, that is now showing as having been returned 6 days late.”

“I didn’t rent that movie.”

“Mm-hmm.” (Please note, we are not allowed to imply in any circumstance that the customer is lying to us.) “I’m very sorry, ma’am, but I cannot remove this fee. It will have to be paid before I can allow you to rent.”

“You’re not going to take the fee off?”

“No ma’am, not this time.”

“But I didn’t rent the movie.”

“Mm-hmm. The fee stands, and will have to be paid before renting again.”

“Can’t you take the fee off?”

“No.”

“I didn’t rent that movie! I’ve never seen it!”

“Mm-hmm.”

She paid the fee and left without renting the movie she’d selected. I don’t recall seeing her again. The total charge that prompted this surprise debate was $4.22. The charges I removed from the account in both prior issues were $2.11 each. Don’t people have any pride? Lying over charges that amount to pocket change?
**
Chuck Norris is a God Amongst Men**

Our store manager is on vacation, so we assistant managers have full control over the store. This is relevant only in the fact that it made me very, very busy at this time.

I am carrying approximately 30 movies back to their places around the store during a brief interlude when only a few customers are in the store (and none are at the registers). I manage this feat by holding the movies in place with my chin so they don’t slip while I briskly walk to where they go. (By the way, N and S, thank you so much for using the movie pushcart as a go-cart and taking turns riding in it, thus breaking it when it inevitably hit something.) I am stopped by a customer, during which the following exchange took place.

“Excuse me, do you know if you have any Chuck Norris movies?”

“Mmrrph mumble mrph.”

(brief pause while I set the movies I’m carrying down)

“No ma’am, I’m very sorry, but I don’t know if we have any in stock. I’d suggest that you check in the 'Action” section right over there."

“Sir, can’t you go to the front and look Chuck Norris up in the computer and see if you have any of his movies? My son REALLY likes Chuck Norris and wants to watch one of his movies tonight.”

“I’m afraid not. Our database doesn’t support searching by actor names. If you could give me a few titles to search for, I’d be happy to look them up for you.”

“You can’t help me find Chuck Norris movies?”

“No, ma’am, I can only look up movies by titles.”

“Oh. Well, that sucks.”

A week later, when the store manager gets back from out of town, she is holding in her hands a Customer Action Call from corporate office. Apparently, this woman had gone home and written up a complaint form on the BBV website. Her complaint was a long run-on sentence that I will now paraphrase here.

“I went into your store to find Chuck Norris movies and your employee Humanist was very rude to me he didn’t help me at all or offer to help or even go get someone who could help me he just said I don’t know and that he couldn’t look up a movie without a title and I thought you guys were Blockbuster I can’t believe you can’t look up Chuck Norris movies”

Despite the fact that I had done everything I could to help, I got a write-up for “improper customer conduct” because of this woman. This was just before my 1-year (as manager) evaluation, so it directly adversely affected my raise. Bitch.

95

Aw what the hell…more stories 6 years of amusement park has plenty to tell. and now I have some time to type.

Just flat ignorant fuck customer

We had little toy cell phones that we sold as prizes in the ticket redemption area 400 points for this cool little cell phone. pushing the numbers made little phone like beeps pushing send would sound like it was ringing someones phone waiting for them to answer. We paid like $4 each for these things. Customer gets one and is demanding we give him the number so people can call him on his new phone.

Me: Sir its just a toy, its not a real phone
JFIFC: but listen, it beeps like a real one, and listen, its ringing
Me: :rolleyes:
JFIFC: Do you have to sell me a plan or something?
Me: Sir its a toy, we bought 500 of them from Rhode Island Novelty.
JFIFC: Why won’t you tell me the number?
Me: Because its a toy sir, it really does not work.
JFIFC: but [pause] whats the phone number of the park so I can call and see
Me: XXX-1234
JFIFC: Really
Me: [picks up park brochure and points out phone #]
JFIFC: punches # into phone
JFIFC: Why don’t you guys answer the phone?
Me: because its not a real phone.
JFIFC: well it probably rings in an office where nobody can hear it.
Me: Try mine
JFIFC: [dials same # on my phone] promptly answered by night shift cashier supervisor.
JFIFC: [looks puzzled and walks away.]
JFIFC: [to gf/spose] I don’t know why they wont turn on your phone, we can go to a phone place tomorrow and they will turn it on

I would have sold one of my children to be able to be in that store when they came in. I bet the staff there would be in tears laughing at this dork before it was over.
Asshole extroardinaire

Male 40ish with a birthday party group on the waterslides. Suggests to one of the 16 yo female attendants (lets call her Tina) she should go for a slide with him. She replies properly by stepping on the release pedal to drop about 300 gallons of water behind him to send him zooming down the slide. Unfortunately she does not do so fast enough to avoid having him grab her ankle and pull her down with him.

As if it isn’t bad enough that its a concrete slide flume and smacking against it could hurt you pretty badly the attendants stand on “grip spots” basically a mixture of heavy sand and paint that makes a slip resistant spot to stand on while assisting customers onto the slide. So this little 110 pound girl gets yanked off her feet, smacked into a concrete flume and drug across a rough patch of concrete badly abrading her thigh and arm. I’m in a kiddie rides area when I get a call from the waterslide lifeguard station that they have an employee injury and require my assitance. When I get down there all but two of the waterslide crew is surrounding this guy who is basically demanding the step aside and let him go about his business. I arrive, take a look at the girl, get a nutshell report from her while one of the lifeguards starts bandaging her leg. I confront the guy who is totally unapologetic.

Me: Why did you do this?
AE: I was just messing around, its not like she really hurt or something.
Me: The workmens comp doc will determine that, you still have not explained in any real fashion why you felt it was acceptable to assault a member of my staff.
AE: I told you I was just messing around, its not like I planned on hurting her.
Me: but you did.
AE: its just a couple scrapes.
Me: [to Tina] If you would like to press charges I will happily call PD and detain him till they arrive.
AE: [Looks a little scared]
Tina: No just make him go away.
Me: are you sure
Tina: Yes
Me: [to customer] I will escort you to collect whatever belongings you might have and you will leave the park.
AE: You can’t throw me out, I have a birthday group here with my wife and 6 guests!
Me: Yes I can and am.
AE: I want a manager
Me: I am one.
AE: I want your manager
Me: If you have a problem feel free to call the owners of the park monday morning, you are leaving now.
AE: What about my group.
Me: they can stay, you are leaving the property.
AE: I won’t leave without them and you can’t punish them for what I did wrong.
Me: pulls out radio and calls area sup where birthday groups are held and instruct birthday hostess to send Mrs AE to the waterslide check-in station immediately.
AE: [slowly begins to panic when he realizes where this is leading]
[Mrs. AE arrives]
Me: [gives nutshell report of what has unfolded and told her the entire group is to leave immediately]
Mrs. AE: [glares at AE with the fire that would cow a supernova]
Mrs. AE: [to me] I am sorry, we are leaving.
AE: You’re gonna refund us for the party!
Me: No I’m not.
AE: but you have to, you’re making us leave.
Me: If you have a problem with it call the owners monday.
Mrs. AE:[repeats the glare] Shut the fuck up you sorry sack of shit, you should be happy you aren’t being arrested!
Me: [tries not to look too smug]

I escort AE to his vehicle while Mrs AE. Rounds up children and belongings.

AE: Why did you bring my wife into this?
Me: I didn’t, you did.
AE: Shes probably going to leave me because I grabbed at some little girl
Me: [shrug] Not my problem.
AE: Whatever asshole.
Me: [silence from there on out.]

Mrs. AE arrives with whining children in tow, apologizes again briefly and loads everyone up.

They leave.

96

Just to play devil’s advocate for a moment (or in this context, jackass customer’s advocate)…I don’t make it a habit of asking salespeople lots of questions, but I also don’t think that because you’ve answered my questions, I owe you anything at all (except a polite and sunny “thank you”). This is precisely why everyone hates used car salesmen…the pushier salesmen seem to expect that because they chatted with you for ten minutes about a car, you owe them a sale. Sorry, I’m not going to buy a car so as not to hurt the feelings of my new buddy, the car salesman…

I’m sure you run into all sorts of outright dicks in your line of work (really noisy dicks, if you work in a music store…I sympathize with you because I can’t stand to be in my local guitar store for even ten minutes, with all of the Dave Matthews wannabes strutting their stuff)…but still, I’d suggest that this attitude that customers are wasting your precious time might be the cause of some of the tension that you’re experiencing. I shouldn’t say “you,” but salespeople in general…here I’m thinking of the 18-year-olds who work at Blockbuster and look at me like I’m asking them to donate a kidney when I just want them to do their job and answer my question without the attitude…

Anyway, I don’t doubt that your patience is challenged at your job by myriad jackasses, but remember that there are two sides of the story…and you know this, you salespeople, because you are yourselves all customers. “Can’t we all just get along?” as Rodney King said…

97

Customer comes in and piles up around a thousand odd books. Trusty Drachillix draws his Symbol Powernet 5250 like one of Stephen Kings legendary gunslingers and proceeds to bathe the huge pile of books with laserfire.

Me: The total is $7000
Customer: Carefully pores over itemized invoice and looks a bit flustered.
Me: Did you have a question?
Customer: I didn’t think it was that much.
Me: If you feel I did something incorrectly I can do it over.
Customer: I think we better redo the order.
Me: OK

Proceeds to once again scan all books, with the same result to the penny (YESSS!!)

Customer: I still don’t think this is right, can you get me a calculator.
Me: Yes ma’am. [hands over my calculator]
Customer: [contines to look at both invoices and seems to almost randomly poke in a few numbers]
Customer: I don’t think the computer is calculating the tax correctly.
Me: Lets do it on the calculator and see if we get the same numbers as the invoice.
Customer: Please do.
Me: [performs calculations and gets same result.]
Customer: I don’t think you did that right
Me: [Hands over the calculator to customer] If you would please demonstrate the proper method for calculating the sales tax I would appreciate the lesson.
Customer: [proceeds to demonstrate incorrectly and comes up with a larger number]
Customer: That can’t be right!
Me: [Points out that she applied tax before discount therefore paying sales tax on the undiscounted subtotal.]
Customer: I have been teaching for 19 years, don’t tell me how to do basic math.
Me: [thinking to self] I deal in standard deviations a couple times a week, don’t brag to me about your long division.
Me: If you can demonstrate where I have miscalculated, please feel free to do so and I will happily adjust the price.
Customer: I don’t know what you did but that isn’t right. This is taking too long, I want to speak to your manager.
Me: Goes and retrieves manager after telling him what has transpired
Manager: Lets run through it one more time
Me: [Trying not to look wounded] Ok.

Add up again, same total to the penny.

Manager: that seems to be the total
Customer: It can’t be right!
Manager: It does match the other two invoices.
Customer: This is taking too long, I want a bigger discount for my inconvenience!
Manager: Um no, this is taking too long because you asked us to ring it up 3 times.
Customer: Its not my fault your staff is so slow.
Me: [resists urge to pistol whip evil wench with my scanner and fantasize about big enough battery packs on the laser scanner to blast this pompous bitch into a cloud of pink steam.]
Manager: I will knock off $50 if it makes you feel better,
Customer: That will be fine.

Before you go thinking this teacher is spending money from her own pocket think again. She has a $10,000 blanket purchase order from her school district to buy pretty much anything she wants from us. I know my manager did that to make nice with an irritating customer and it was prolly cheaper to do that than repeat the process 3 more times while she nitpicked for non-existant errors or worse lose a pretty hefty order. I still felt a little betrayed and irritated despite logically knowing he probably solved the problem with the smallest hassle to everyone involved including me.

98

Thank you! (But I’m 35…)

99

Problem is you are justifying the worse case scenario.

Commissioned sales people have a vested interest in moving product, the more they know about the product the easier it is for them to find the product that best fits your needs, reccomend options you might desire, and sell you the item. If you go into a local mom and pop PC store for instance and they spend an hour answering your questions, demonstrating the abilities of different video cards, giving you good honest info on the latest fads in PC sales and what you really need and what is fluff, and generally purge your ignorance on a variety of computer subjects, you do owe them a sale over the big box store where the clerk could care less and thinks “pipeline burst” is something that happens to old houses in the winter. The mom and pop store my charge $49 more for a comparable machine, but you didn’t know it was comparable without the knowledge they gave you. That is part of the service the provide and it is appropriate to pay a premium for it. To use their knowledge and pay the big box stores price is effectively robbing the knowledgable business of their time. Keep it up and there becomes less incentive for the little guy to open up shop and less detailed help available from people who give a shit about helping you and making sure you are happy with your purchase.

Drach, soon to be self employed in the PC repair biz for real.

100

Sorry, but you’re wrong if you think that etiquette requires that I give you a penny of my money simply because you have talked to me (I mean, if there’s a big “Open for Business” sign in front of your store and you want the public to come in and examine your wares or consider taking on whatever service you’re providing…if you’re a doctor, offering medical advice, then talking to you comes with a price tag, but that’s simply not the arrangement that comes with retail sales, is it? Conversely, the customer should expect friendly and informed service, not a “Jesus, will you buy something already?” attitude that one sees all the time.
I understand that salespeople have a vested interest in moving product, but if I follow your line of reasoning, this means that I’m being rude by not acting according to the salespeople’s interests, which is, of course, absurd (it would be in their interest if I bought five cars instead of just one, right? so am I being a pain in the ass by not giving you all of my money?). Or I could just turn the argument around and say that the customer’s interest is getting the most value for his dollar, so if he does a lot of shopping around, you should respect that…especially if you’ve implicitly invited him to do that, by trying to get him and keep him in your store!

(I’m just making a point from a “Miss Manners” perspective here…and so of course I’m not defending the behavior of your rudest customers…)