Jaws 3 was terrible

Cafe Society
1

Man I’m glad I had a few beers. Sure you got Lea Thompson jumping around in her underwear and Louis Gosset Jr. acting like a crazy motherfucker, but this is some seriously bad shit. Why in the hell did Sea World attach their name to this? The movie makes their management look like publicity seeking incompetents and the movie serves to make audiences want to kill the shit out of sharks.

The effects were soooo bad. Take a look at the original from eight years earlier. That was good. This was just some remote controlled styrofoam shark bumping into stuff, growling while bearing his teeth spliced in with, like, National Geographic shark footage played at 1920’s baseball speed. Growling? Jesus.

And where did those two English dudes come from? They just show up out of nowhere taking pictures and diving around? One of those dudes was the gangster/pornographer from Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels who beat someone to death with a dildo so that was a bit of trivia. Also, why did they bring grenades to go diving? Are they going to throw them at the shark underwater? That made no sense except to have one get stuck in Jaws’ teeth so they can pull the pin and BLAMMO OMYGOD send Jaws’ jaws RIGHT AT ME IN 3D! GET IT?

I know it was the 80s but the cheesedick waterskiing sequences were pretty bad. And that weird beefcake dude (Chubby?) who got eaten first – what was up with that guy?

Don’t get me started on those asshole dolphins squeaking around jumping all over the place.

At least the underwater bar was pretty cool. I would totally have a couple in there.

You can stream this on Netflix. Check out the Matthew McConaughey lookalike caught in the tunnel.

2

But the house it built was magnificent.

3

That’s Jaws 4, dude, which is even worse.

4

I have fond memories of this movie.

Of course, it was while watching this movie (in 3-D, in the theater) that the girl I was going with at the time first let me get to second base.

So I’ve got that going for me.

5

This is my favorite sentence I’ve read all week.

6

This was the one that the National Lampoon wanted to do as Jaws 3, People 0.

Pity, that.

7

Yeah, watch Jaws 4, then listen to Richard Jeni’s hilarious bit about it. Totally worth it!

8

Dolphins are just gay sharks.

9

Ah, I stand corrected.

10

I saw [parts of] it on an 8mm projector on board a submarine mess deck. Needless to say, no 3D glasses were distributed with the film reels. The shark’s bones (well, skeleton, since sharks don’t have bones) flying out toward the screen when it blew up was a truly unforgettable image.
“Unforgettable” in the PTSD sense.

11

:eek: Holy cow–I was pretty much coming here to post the same thing! Wasn’t she great?
Kidding aside, it was my first real ‘date’. I don’t remember the movie much.

12

:D:D:D

13

Jaws 3 is one of my favorite “so bad it’s good” movies. I love Louis Gosset Jr’s lines:

How do you keep the sharks away from the lagoon?

There’s a bubble screen, you see sharks don’t like that. It’s what they call, marine segregation.

I love the way he said that preposterous line.

14

You know, in the phrase “x was terrible”, you can just substitute pretty much any 3-D movie title that was released before the current batch started. Most of them are just excuses to throw things at the audience, wrapped around an anemic and usually inane backbone of a plot.