No, I’m trying to make it less obviously profane.
See, that would have been understandable!
That’s like seven different…partners.
I could see a guy doing that if he was going to discard the couch immediately afterwards anyway, especially if (NOT TOO MUCH!) alcohol was involved.
TBH, this sounds like a story Shagnasty would have told! (Anyone else remember him?)
This Vance/couch story also reminds me of the long-running urban legend about the girl who masturbated with a frozen hot dog, and it broke off in her vagina and she had to go to the ER to have it removed. Because everyone at school found out about it, the family had to move to another city - and when the moving van pulled up, some kids were already waiting in the yard for them, to bully her about it.
I fairly sure there’s an cleaning substance that will clean semen.
It’s been washed off skin by lots of people. You don’t have to discard the sofa.
But in the cushions?
Well, you’d have to know it’s there, wouldn’t you?
I bet his Mamaw bought a new couch as soon as she heard the tale.
Probably Usha, too.
I should have thought she’d only have chairs. For sure.
I thought in the story he was using a latex glove.
I would think you’d smell it after a while.
Hmm. Not exactly going around putting my face down in-between someones couch cushions. It’s not like it’s poop. If your semen smells that terrible you might need a doctor.
A little febreze or pooph would clear that right up. Anywhoo.
“Hey, I found a quarter, two dimes, and….eeewwww…”
That’s just how to get another disappointed couch. Foreplay is important.
Yeah I was also in the Army which is where 90% of my weird sex/masturbation stories come from. All stories told by people who claimed they weren’t there but “knew of someone” who did it.
Chelsea Handler says that she knows a couch fucker when she sees one.
yunno … that’s why people order them with cream cheese…
I don’t think it’s so strange to have emotional ties to furniture. Neil Diamond always felt that his chair didn’t listen to him.
And Elvis proclaimed, “If you can’t find a partner use a wooden chair.”