FYI, that “gallon of semen” story was Rod Stewart, and the quantity was actually 3 quarts.
And here I figured the hospital would’ve measured it in milliliters. Or were they not using those yet in the '70s? 
Your “fucked the couch” is much better, but a PG-13 version may have more legs…?
Never knew this before! I’m having a good time looking this up…
I feel bad for the Vance kids, because they’ll someday find out what a fucking hypocrite and toady their father is.
That too.
They probably already know.
Is having sex with a couch really that weird?
Like growing up I heard from multiple dudes how to do it, all coached in the form of a “joke” but with enough details to make it seem obvious they might have experimented with it. Like stories of women using a cucumber as a dildo.
People are aware of “The Stranger” too right?
To be honest? I heard of the idea when I was a teenager, but I never tried it. Always seemed like way too much work compared to doing things the old-fashioned way, and it’d probably be a lot more embarrassing if you got caught in the act. Seems to me that anyone who’d seriously go through with it would have to be completely deranged, desperate, or both. Like the kind of person who’d brag about microwaving a bagel and sticking their dick into it and say it feels “just like the real thing”.
They deliver Sofa King quick!
I think this is part of what makes the joke work. “Teenager masturbates in an odd way” is simultaneously not particularly remarkable and worthy of laughing at someone over. Hence the pie scene in American Pie, etc. It’s funny because it’s both horribly embarrassing and sufficiently plausible. What’s really weird is writing down an (extremely detailed, if it’s three pages long) account of the odd way you masturbated in your memoir, which is what takes the joke over the top.
Obviously, they’ve never had an “everything” bagel. Those things scratch. So I’ve heard.
And there is an example along those lines with at least some lingering pop-cultural relevance: the “Whacking Off” chapter in Portnoy’s Complaint.
In high school there was a weird kid who somehow was on the wrestling team. On the day of a match his weight was too high. His “teammates” told him that jacking off was how they all lost weight in a hurry. So…he skipped class and stayed in the locker room doing just that.
Meanwhile, everyone know what was going on. Poor kid. It would be interesting to see a “where are they now” segment on this.
There is one thing about this I find funnier than all the rest. When this first became viral, before anyone tracked down the original source, before anyone found an actual copy of it he book and checked, this was bouncing around a few military pages I folllow. The response from his supporters was “Well he’s a Marine so…” Someone upstream mentioned “ecstatic truth”. To a bunch of veterans, saying that a young enlisted Marine fucked a couch had about the same impact as telling them today is Friday.
In Canada at least, these don’t mean the same thing. Screwing the pooch means you made a bad error, but fucking the dog means you’re just a lazy lie-about who never does anything. “Bob doesn’t have a job, he just collects pogey and then fucks the dog all day.” I’ll leave “pogey” as an exercise for the reader 
I have it on good authority that that’s actually warm apple pie.
I mean, his parents could have had this couch…
Hubba hubba. Accommodates a Rugby 7s team.
I am going to use the term “gloving the couch” as my way of saying a fucked something up.
How about “Vancing the couch” to keep the focus on him.