Jesus Christ! That's not a spider, it's a friggin' Chupacabra.

For those of you that are unaware, I am completely, utterly, horribly, irrationally afraid of spiders. In fact, I can even pinpoint the very moment I grew to have such a ridiculous fear and even though I know it’s something I should probably get over, why the hell would I want to be ok with spiders?

So, while walking into my house today after work, I looked up to see what could be described as nothing more than Satan on Earth. Eighteen inches long, 12 lbs, and with 8 inch fangs, there he hung, upside down above my entryway and mocking the hell out of me. Fine, he wasn’t that big, but he was about 2 inches long with a huge, fat, bulbous body, long legs with white stripes, he was orange, and he was eating a goat while telling me in that African tongue click language he was going to eat my soul. It was awful.

Needless to say, I ran in the house screaming for my roommate’s wise intervention. Using her vast biology background, she remembered that we had to cover him in something oily, since they breath (or something, I was only half paying attention between my screams) through their horrible, hateful skin. Oven cleaner it was. After 15 minutes of writhing and fighting (and half a can of oven cleaner), that little SOB died. Painfully, I hope.

Now our porch is covered with oven cleaner, but part of me wants to leave it as a warning to all of his little 8 legged, thousand eyed, goat eating brethren. Listen, Mr. Chupacabra: I understand you serve your ecological purpose, but serve your ecological purpose as far away from me as possible.

And you know how after you have a huge adrenalin rush, you completely crash? Well, during Spider Gate '07, my heart was racing, I was shaking, and I was dizzy and light headed. I wasn’t kidding when I said I’m absolutely terrified of spiders. I’m sure my non stop screaming didn’t help the lack of oxygen my brain was getting for that period of time. Anywho, I crashed. Hard. I went from being wide awake pre-spider, to passing out and taking a 3 hour nap.

The worst part is knowing that if there was one spider, there are at least two more (his parents) and odds are that the little fucker reproduced like the white trash creature of Satan that he is. For the curious parties, he is (was! haha, loser spider!) a pumpkin spider . No, I have not clicked on that link, because it’ll scare the living shit out of me, but you are more than welcome to.

I, for one, do NOT welcome our chupacabra-esque spider overlords. Those assholes.

Wait, are you sure you’re not just **Hal Briston ** posting under another username? Okay, probably not. But now that we know how terrified you are of spiders, we will mock you and make sick jokes at your expense.

Wow.Just wow.

Awww! You killed the poor widdle itsy bitsy spider what never did anything bad to you?
You know those things eat and feast upon other, equally if not more pesky bugs, right?

You’re going to be swarmed now by critters whose natural predator you have wiped out.

Check your pillow, they hide there when they seek revenge.
This is all helping, right?

No, we both just clearly see the hate that is spiders. They are evil, sick, twisted creatures who have no place in my home.

Feel free to mock my. . . for I will soon find your weakness. (This is where I’d insert an evil smiley).

Of course, darling.

Like I said, I know he has his little ecological purpose, as do his thousands of brethren who swarm my apartment complex (the trees are sometimes covered in spider webs and no matter how many times we dust, we find spider webs in our apartment. Calling and getting our house sprayed every couple of weeks doesn’t make much of a difference).

His fatal mistake was hanging in my doorway. Anywhere else, I would have shrieked and ran by, perhaps fanning myself before I passed out. My door way though? Dude, I have to walk through that! And what if that little bastard got it in his head that he could enter my house? No. Now he must serve as a warning to the others to stay out of my damned doorway.

You do realize that the oven cleaner is eating away at pretty much everything it’s come in contact with on your porch? :rolleyes:

Yeah, thanks for the eye roll, sugar tits. I had no idea.

I was kidding. We cleaned the porch as soon as the spider was dead. Don’t you worry your pretty little head, k?

(And the oven cleaner was because we had absolutely no bug spray and the other option was a giant jug of “Sudsy Ammonia”. It was the less messy option- I’m sure the neighbors wouldn’t have appreciated ammonia leaking onto their balcony.)

I’m no fan of spiders myself, but…couldn’t you have found a quicker way to put him (and yourself) out of misery? Over cleaner? 15 minutes?!? It’s like a slightly more upscale version of taking a magnifying glass to an ant. I’d think the image of watching him squirm and suffer would etch itself much more unpleasantly in your mind than a simple squish.

But perhaps that’s just me.

If it makes you feel any better, I had a friend over the other week, and we were playing ping pong in the back yard. There are definitely a number of spiders that inhabit the area and leave webs all over the place (we don’t spend much time in the back yard). So my friend thought it would be funny at one point to let out a VERY realistic scream and shout, “Asimovian, there’s a spider on your back!”

After several minutes and a near collision with the ISS, I was able to land on my feet, take some deep breaths, and recover the last shred of my dignity (which, at this point, had fallen to the ground and rolled off underneath some nearby bushes). I’m still plotting my revenge.

ETA: Sorry, didn’t see your comment about why you chose oven cleaner until now. But still! Spiders go squish! Squish, I tell you!

Oh, he’s kind of pretty. But it figures, doesn’t it, that the people who are most scared of spiders always see the biggest nastiest mofos? I mean, I never see anything but plain brown & black ones, and I’m not afraid of them. Yet I am forced to deal with big honkin’ centipedes and I am terrified of them.

Did you click the link and see how giant the ass on that spider is? We thought of squishing him, but that would have been so incredibly foul and messy. He had a giant, huge ass. Like, he was the JLo or Vida Guerra of spiders.

I didn’t even know Hal was going to visit California…

Isn’t that the amazing part? My roommate never sees these giant bringers of hate, but I do while walking through the apartment complex (and their subsequent webs) all the damned time.

My roomie on the other hand is terrified of cockroaches and while I never seen any even around the complex (or our apartment- we’re on the second floor), she sees them scurrying around the parking lot all the time. One time she found one in our apartment- beats me how it got there. She screamed and screamed as I put him in a glass, walked him down to the bushes downstairs, and let him be free. See? I’m not always a bug murderer. If she had her way, he’d have been squishy squishy cockroach doom. I’m a good person . . .sometimes.

Did it look like this or this?

“squishy squishy cockroach doom” made me laugh.

In regards to the rest of it, I think they sense our fear. :eek:

I absolutely, positively, will not click on those links. If you are serious, I’ll forward them to my roommate to check, but I am so terrified of spiders that even looking at pictures of them gives me the heebie jeebies (she was the one who found out what kind of spider he was with the help of Q.E.D.).

shiver I hate spiders.

Yeah, and it turns the little sadistic bastards on. Evil creatures, that’s what they are- getting off on my pain.

Oh, but this are cute spiders. You know, the Charlotte’s Web kind. :wink:

Yeah, you’re on their payroll. Getting them victims for their goat sucking sacrifices to the devil.

I’m on to you. . .

Diossa, do not look at those pictures.

Og Almighty it’s like asking me to look at that pic of that giant centipede floating around here.

Oh, trust me. I even went so far as to move my curser as far across the screen from the links as possible, just in case there was an accidental clicking incident.