For those of you that are unaware, I am completely, utterly, horribly, irrationally afraid of spiders. In fact, I can even pinpoint the very moment I grew to have such a ridiculous fear and even though I know it’s something I should probably get over, why the hell would I want to be ok with spiders?
So, while walking into my house today after work, I looked up to see what could be described as nothing more than Satan on Earth. Eighteen inches long, 12 lbs, and with 8 inch fangs, there he hung, upside down above my entryway and mocking the hell out of me. Fine, he wasn’t that big, but he was about 2 inches long with a huge, fat, bulbous body, long legs with white stripes, he was orange, and he was eating a goat while telling me in that African tongue click language he was going to eat my soul. It was awful.
Needless to say, I ran in the house screaming for my roommate’s wise intervention. Using her vast biology background, she remembered that we had to cover him in something oily, since they breath (or something, I was only half paying attention between my screams) through their horrible, hateful skin. Oven cleaner it was. After 15 minutes of writhing and fighting (and half a can of oven cleaner), that little SOB died. Painfully, I hope.
Now our porch is covered with oven cleaner, but part of me wants to leave it as a warning to all of his little 8 legged, thousand eyed, goat eating brethren. Listen, Mr. Chupacabra: I understand you serve your ecological purpose, but serve your ecological purpose as far away from me as possible.
And you know how after you have a huge adrenalin rush, you completely crash? Well, during Spider Gate '07, my heart was racing, I was shaking, and I was dizzy and light headed. I wasn’t kidding when I said I’m absolutely terrified of spiders. I’m sure my non stop screaming didn’t help the lack of oxygen my brain was getting for that period of time. Anywho, I crashed. Hard. I went from being wide awake pre-spider, to passing out and taking a 3 hour nap.
The worst part is knowing that if there was one spider, there are at least two more (his parents) and odds are that the little fucker reproduced like the white trash creature of Satan that he is. For the curious parties, he is (was! haha, loser spider!) a pumpkin spider . No, I have not clicked on that link, because it’ll scare the living shit out of me, but you are more than welcome to.
I, for one, do NOT welcome our chupacabra-esque spider overlords. Those assholes.