All you spider defenders probably haven’t been bitten on the neck by a spider this week, have you? Huh? HAVE YOU!?! Well, I have.
I was just layin’ there in bed, minding my own business. I was pretty well asleep, until I felt a needle-sharp pain on the skin on the left side of my neck. I slapped it and crushed something. When I sat up and brushed it away, I saw its crumpled spidery body roll down my chest and onto the floor.
So, that’s it. It’s war. I didn’t start it, but I’m damn well going to finish it. Any spiders discovered indoors will receive an immediate and speedy (about 1 second) trial for Being A Spider In The First Degree, which carries a mandatory sentence of death. Being A Spider In The Second Degree (outside) may be tolerated, but any excessively spidery behavior, such as jumping, will be dealt with most harshly.
Tarantulas and their friends gross me out because they just look so. . .juicy. Like, you can’t squash them, because they’d be all gooey and foul, so what do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO?
Burn down the house, of course.
Speaking of tarantulas, my friend said that one time she was in Mexico visiting her grandma in her little pueblo and there were tarantulas everywhere. One ran straight towards her, so her brother (in a moment of kindness not seen since Mother Theresa left this earth) stepped on the spider. Except when he stepped on it, little baby spiders went flying every which direction. I don’t even know how this is possible, but my roommate said some spiders carry their babies on them. Icky. Can you imagine? Stepping on one spider, only to create thousands more? It’s like a horrible sci fi movie.
Max Torque- that might be the most horrible nightmarish story I’ve ever heard. Though I whole-heartedly approve of your spider judiciary initiative.
What’s that guy on the Travel Channel, that goes around and eats all sort of wierd and/or disgusting foods?
He was eating a tarantula the other day. I think it had been baked or fried, anyway, it was crispy on the outside. Broke off the legs one by one and ate them, then cracked open the body and sucked out the insides.
There’s a pretty good-sized spider working away outside my office window today. I’ve seen them there before, but it always sorta surprises me since we are on the 30th floor.
What is that undoubtedly apocryphal stat I’ve heard, that anywhere that is capable of sustaining human life, there is a spider within 3 feet of you?
OK, I don’t mind spiders and all, but stepping on one and having dozens more shoot out from everywhere is feckin creepy. Like the car scene in the trailer for the new invasion movie where the car hurtles down the street with all manner of zombie and alien attached to it, then begins to slide sideways flinging the clingers to the four winds.
Srsly, there aren’t enough e’s left in my keyboard to make a long enough eeeew for that little scene.
Imagine being stoned out of your nut on Mezcal and that happening.
Great Caesars Ghost! The Baboon Spider is worse than the flippin bird eater (which doesn’t really eat birds but mealworms and other insects) the thing eats mice, lizards and other small animals in the wild. I’ll say that again: The SPIDER eats MICE. Jesus Christ.
I was up north at the family cottage one year and noticed that it was a “good” year for Dock Spiders (or “bad”, depending on your point of view!). These things were everywhere, and they grow to a good size - the outstretched legs of the largest specimens could just about span your hand. And they are fast runners.
Anyway, it turns out that the outhouse, made of logs and unlit, was colonized by these things, only it was dark in there so I didn’t know it … until, that is, I was halfway through taking a dump. Then by chance I heard movement right - over- my - head.
There, not six inches overhead, was a hand-sized Dock Spider, clinging to the rough board ceiling.
As I watched, it started to do something strange - a split appeared on its back, and it began to emerge from its own skin. Turns out these things can only grow (even) larger by shedding their skins - a totally gruesome but oddly fascinating operation!
My concern was that the newly-embiggened spider would drop from the ceiling and onto my head. Apparently, the spider was somewhat concerned as well. I guess it felt defenceless and vulnerable at the moment of transition, as it were, because it suddenly and (I think) angrily rattled its skin at me, as if in some sort of warning!
Needless to say I did my business in haste and exited with alacrity. My mood was not improved on observing (from a safe distance) another large Dock Spider emerging from the hole I had been sitting on.
Another scary spider tale (coming from a spiderphobe):
I was walking along some train tracks right near my house out in the boonies (I’d go there to find raccoon paw print trails…and cougar ones…and hobo ones). The tracks had these crumbled rocks all along the sides to make the elevated track hump…and while randomly walking suddenly tons of translucent baby spiders POURED out of the rocks and INTO MY SHOE AND SOCK
I couldn’t do anything other than shriek. My mother was with me fortuitously and stripped off my shoe and sock and then batted down my foot until they fell off…I refused to put on the shoe and sock ever again. And then while walking home we had to cross a street and some Cadillac full of women asked if we needed help due to my limping, sobbing self with only one shoe.
Another scary mothy tale (from a randomly-fluttering-bugphobe):
Just a few weeks ago I had noticed a moth hanging out in my bathroom. Every time I saw it I would reflexively hiss at it. I kept waiting for it to die but it wouldn’t. I took a shower and felt some lint in my bellybutton, so just grabbed and pitched it toward the water pooling around my feet. Not uncommon with some of my pants to slough off some lint into the bellybutton. Until when getting out I saw the moth fluttering around. And noticed the moth was the same size as the lint ball.
That moth had GONE INTO MY BELLYBUTTON. AND HID.
I shrieked and sobbed for a long while afterward. For the first time in my life I wished I was an outie.
Do you keep a glass of water by your bedside? Do you turn the light on before drinking from it? You may have drunk more spiders than you care to consider. Think of it as revenge.
