OMG are you me? Because that is exactly what I thought.
Poor widdew spideuw.
I frequently have a spider like that set up shop in the corner of my back porch, in a corner between the roofline and a vertical post, over the spring and/or summer. I like checking in every day or two, making sure it’s okay, seeing how it grows over the weeks and, one time when I was lucky, months. It’s like having a momma bird build a nest on a windowsill. I don’t have one now, and the porch feels empty somehow. 
I always thought Chupacabra piloted the Aluminum Falcon with Hand Silo.
I dunno, I’m not sure "sugar tits’ is such a bad thing.
Like…like breakfast and tits all in one.
Kinda cheers me up.
I’ll be anxiously awaiting the commercial jingle to go with that one.
Of course, the “surprise in every box” will inevitably be a spider…
Kid: “Mom! My cereal is bugged!”
Mom: “You’re just being paranoid. The NSA doesn’t care about your breakfast.”
Kid: “No, I mean, with an actual bug!”
Spider: “skree skitter chatter skree!” <takes bite out of kid’s face>
I was going to mention in Hal Bristons post about a very good spider killer, but then thought it might be cruel. But, here we are again, another giant spider attack.
I discovered once upon a time when screaming over a spider who had invaded my bathroom while I was sitting there, that clorox bathroom and tile cleaner with bleach does wonders in about 30 seconds. Bleach can be anyones friend that hates spiders.
Fry
Like Fry- once upon a time, I found a giant black widow precariously close to my car door. Again not having the forethought to buy some bug spray, I was left to my own devices. We had a gallon of bleach that I realized I was more than happy to waste in this battle.
I poured. And poured- pouring so much bleach that my human sized lungs starting to tighten from the sheer bleachiness of it all. And you know what?
That little fucker swam. Swam!.
I think he had a little snorkel or something, it was awful. I eventually just trapped him in a corner and I think he drowned, but water probably would have been just as effective as bleach.
It was almost certainly a female. Just sayin’
You’re right, of course. It’s just my natural inclination to call all creatures “he”. No, I have no justification for my pronouns. 
Those are beautiful pictures. Did you take them?
er… “beautiful” may be a relative term in this context.
Okay spiders I can handle, for the most part. I did find a spider about an inch long with fangs I could see from the other side of the room in my toilet area and he just HAD to go coz he was a white-tip spider and their venom is highly necrotising and I like my skin alive, you know?
I have released an ENORMOUS wolf-spider before, after realizing I’d sat about two feet from him for ten minutes on the phone.
But I’m afraid of moths. The way they do that freaky fluttery thing in your face and GAH! I was once joined in the shower by a moth two days in a row, and he somehow survived to flutter in my face as I did my makeup. I shrieked and my godfather pipes up from the next room ‘Moth?’
He came and killed it for me :).
But today, Matt, my boss at the Bakery, found a moth on the door and I was like ‘ugh I hate moths.’ What does he do? Catch it and chase me with it. Through the kitchen, out the back of the bakery, around the van, into the bathroom and when I opened the door he pushed his hands towards me (the moth cupped in them). I was like Bam Margera’s mum, April, in Jackass 1 when they try to get her to say ‘fuck’ by putting a small live alligator in her living room for her to discover. She hides in the laundry and just screams when they tell her it’s real.
Nah, It’s a friend’s Flickr account. She does fantastic work.
Maybe its something in the clorox spray that isnt in regular bleach. Interesting though.
Fry
Then you probably wouldn’t want This Little Fella hangin around either.
I don’t mess with my spider buddies if they’re a) outside or b) properly hiding inside.
Let one show up on the wall or somesuch though, and it’s lights out.
We had a Wolfie out in the garage roughly the inside diameter of the average coffee cup. I let him live, he’s not hurting anyone out there, and as big as he is, we’ll be free of mosquitos and annoying neighborhood children all summer.
This is pretty much my philosophy as well. I have no problem with the existence of spiders so long as we aren’t occupying the same recreational area. I won’t tolerate them anywhere in my bedroom or in the shower. But they’re otherwise generally free to roam if they don’t look like they’re in a place where they may startle my wife.
So, so, SO funny. My roommate is a Bio major and she had to take a class all about bugs (ew! reminds me why the hell I’m a History major) and for the class she had to collect like 20 different kinds of creatures. Well, being the wise person I am, I told her it would probably be really easy if we just turned on the porch light, then swung her jar of ethyl-acetate around, collecting as many as we could that were congregating around the light.
Well, that was all well and good until we realized those little bastards were smart enough to stay away from what her professor so nicely called her “kill jar”. Then the moths- probably aware of our murderous intentions- starting dive bombing us. My roommate screamed, “ABORT THE MISSION! ABORT ABORT ABORT!!!” And ran screaming into the house. I delicately reached up, cupped a moth in my hand, and stood there sighing and waiting for her to open the damned door.
But I can’t complain, for she killed the Chupacabra the other day.
I just moused over that first link and saw “plate”- it’s one of those gigantic ass evil spiders, isn’t it? One time, my family was watching an Animal Planet show about them and I was entranced, too terrified to move or look away (btw- what the hell kind of stupid defense mechanism is that? O hai, giant spider. I’m just going to hang out here, totally frozen, while you eat me and suck out my sweet juices, k?). Thinking she was funny, my aunt grabbed my leg, scaring the crap out of me so badly that I shrieked and the dogs ran in, almost attacking her because they thought she was so seriously hurting me.
Your links are evil, sir. Evil.
Oh, I am totally with you on the moth thing. Give me just about any other insect and I can handle it, but moths, moths are pure evil.
Ahahahaha! So you spook easily…
That it is. A bird-eating goliath tarantula. The thing actually makes a hissing noise when threatened. Who ever thought of a noisy spider. Eeesh. The second link though is just normal wolf spider. Like the tarantula, generally harmless to peoples, but looks all sortsa bad ass.