Jesus VS. The Invisible Pink Unicorn

Great Debates
21

Jesus glances at the Lasso in his hand. What the heck is he supposed to do with this thing. He calls his Apostles into a huddle.

“Dammit, we got 2,000 years of precedence here! I am not going to let this upstart steal market share. Here’s what we do…”

The huddle breaks, and Jesus lines his Apostles up. Working out of the “I” formation they proceed downfield driving the IPU before them. The Apostles, fishermen all, have their nets at the ready. The IPU runs back and forth along the line in growing panic. She can find no weakness in JC’s formation!

Suddenly PETA runs in crying “FOUL!” And pointing at the fishing nets. A long discourse begins on the morality of fishing and eating meat concluding with the throwing of fish offal on Peter.

The IPU, knowing opportunity when it sees it, rushes the line. FUll SPEED. The horn is poised at an angle of maximum effect.

As the IPU charges in a cloud of pink invisibility, Judas Iscariot questions his faith and lightly steps aside.

THe IPU charges through the broken line.

But Wait!

In a desperate leap, JC manages to get a hand on the IPU’s horn and another around her neck. His mighty thews honed to Adonislike perfection through years of carpentry strain mightily and prove equal to the task, as he subdues the glorious beast.

Quickly the IPU is trussed shod, saddled and left tethered to a goal post where she glares balefully at the Son of God. JC once again calls a huddle.

“I have no idea how to ride one of those things.” JC confesses. “Besides, I hear not just anyody can tame a Unicorn.”
“That’s right,” Quoth John. “I heard only women can do it, and only if they are virgins.”

“That’s it!” cries Jesus. Whipping his Nokia out of his robe, he dials quickly. “Hi Mom?..”

In short order the Virgin Mary appears, is outfitted in Chaps, boots, and hat, and is quickly mounted on the IPU who has no choice but to allow herself to be tamed by Mary.

When the taming of the IPU is complete JC (now duded up like a cowpoke) hops aboard and rides the IPU triumphantly around the Coliseum to the deafening roar of the approving crowd. In a corner Paul is adding up the Pay-per-view receipts.

“Are you really the Son of God?” Asks a converted PETAphile.

“You better smile when you say that, Podner.”
-Apologies to Philip Jose Farmer and his excellent story “JC on the Dude Ranch”

22

Or how about Jesus vs. Hank?

Yer putz,
Satan :wally

I HAVE BEEN SMOKE-FREE FOR:
Two months, two weeks, five days, 12 hours, 17 minutes and 30 seconds.
3220 cigarettes not smoked, saving $402.56.
Life saved: 1 week, 4 days, 4 hours, 20 minutes.

23

I am deeply offended that anyone would say my friends’ beliefs in the IPU isn’t a “real” religion. Talk about intolerance! Chalk up one more reason not to be Christian.

And, Scylla, Apostles and Virgin Mothers are strictly against the rules of the OP - it was to be JC and the IPU solely.

My bet? IPU TKO 1st round (within 30 seconds). Jesus is a pacifist and a wuss, and I have no reason to believe the IPU doesn’t know how to kick some ass…troturf. :wink:

Esprix

24

Avalon my darling…stop kicking the dead horse…or should I say unicorn in this case…

Needs2know

25

I find the IPU to be at least as legitimate as any other god(dess), and highly useful in philosophical discussions with believers in other gods. E.g., “Your argument attempting to prove the existence of your god is equally applicable to the IPU, therefore if you want me to believe in your god, logically, you have to believe in mine.” This is usually a good segue into “Let’s not try to convince each other, why don’t we go get some ice cream.” Therefore the IPU is perfectly legitimate in “Great Debates.”

As for the OP, I assume that this great contest would have to occur on Sunday, Sunday, SUNDAY!!! Right?

And if JC really wants to win, I would advise him to call in Steve Irwin.

26

Esprix:

I wrote the OP, and if Jesus wants to use the Apostles and Mom, I have no problem with it.

If you don’t like it, take it up with PETA since they are the official referees.

avolongod et al:

I would like to think that I don’t need to explain myself as to why I chose this thread.

Can you provide a more rational basis for a discussion on Christianity’s merits as a religion?

27

Well then, fairly, the IPU needs some backup. I have little knowledge of what Her disciples might be. Where can one get more information on the IPU? (I’m assuming She’s not a SDMB invention.)

Esprix

28

Esprix wrote:

Ah, but Jesus could do that fishes-and-loaves-to-feed-the-multitude trick, and suddenly the entire gridiron would be filled with fish and bread. The IPU would slip and fall on the fish (fish are slippery). Jesus, as we all know, can walk on water, so walking on a few slippery fish should not be a challenge for him.

Then again, I suppose the IPU could use her Blessed Hooves [TM] to gain a sure footing on any kind of ground…

29

Run a search for “invisible pink unicorn”. She’s everywhere. (of course, She’s omnipresent) Here’s a good one: http://www.palmyra.demon.co.uk/humour/ipu.htm

30

avalongod, DanielITWD, needs2know:

I cannot prove Christianity false. I have no desire to attempt to do so, and do not persoanlly believe it to be.

I cannot prove the IPU false. I have no desire to attempt to do so, and do not persoanlly believe it to be.

The philosophical and theological arguments supporting Christianity can be equally applied to the IPU. That’s the point.

Sure, some might consider the IPU to be faceitous. But there are many who consider Christianity in the same light.

Is the OP silly? Maybe. Is it funny? IMO, absolutely.

And until someone can prove to me that Christianity is more correct than following the IPU (or Allah, or Vishnu, or Moroni), I feel the OP is entirely appropriate.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Religious faith does not require faith that everyone else is wrong.

31

Well, not really all. Matthew, at least, was not. He was a tax collector. I’m not sure about some of the others, but since they were all Jewish, there must have been a tailor or delicatessen owner in there somewhere.

32

I’d bet Matthew’s ‘net’ collected a lot more ‘fish’ than those of his fisherman friends.

33

Needs2know said:

Ahem

There is indeed only one real God on this board. He is deigning to speak to you right now. I allow discussions of false gods here, but do not ever question for a moment who the True God is.

Oh, and don’t forget to send in your dues to the First Church of David B, either.

34

Since you asked (and since this is as good a place as any):
Yes. Gender only has any real meaning with regard to sexual reproduction. So, either there’s a female Goddess to go along, or there exists some major confusion. The Christian God claims to be the ‘One and Only.’ Also, the Christian God, unlike the gods of other religions, does not fraternize with humans. Therefore, the whole idea of assigning a gender to a solo deity seems rather, pardon the term, silly. Similarly, it would be silly to assign the IPU a gender if it is the One and Only IPU.
I’m not trying to be facetious here, or be a jerk. But the only explanation for God being a ‘He’ that makes sense (to me, anyway) is that it reflects more on those who wrote The Book than it does on God’s alleged nature. Men wrote the Bible, so Man created God in his image so that God could create Man in His image.

I am an Agnostic, so I don’t know one way or the other whether a God or Gods exist. If the Christian God is, indeed, the One True, then IT has no gender. One can argue anthropomorphisms all one likes, but that’s the only pronoun that really fits.

But then, if God were truly male, or should I say, Male, it might explain a great deal of the misogyny in the Bible…

35

OK. I’ll give it a shot. But what is in it for me?

36

The Invisible Pink Unicorn would wax Jesus’ tail, but that’s only because She has an unfair advantage.

Even assuming that we’re dealing with Jesus post-ascension, he is not God. God him/itself is the supreme being – meta-universal, and beyond mortal ken. Jesus is the incarnation of the Word of God: God’s manifestation on the mortal plane, in anthropomorphic form – an aspect, a facet, of the incomprehensible totality of God him/itself.

Her Pink Ineffableness is the whole shebang. Omipotent, omnipresent – unlimited.

So I call foul on the whole thing. 15 yard penalty. Game is called until we get Yahweh to show up unfettered.

37

I agree with Lux – She must have an advantage.

I mean, in all Her visits to Earth, She never once allowed Herself to be captured and executed…

38

if you do not accept the inerrancy of the Holy Note Cards, you are not a true IPUnian!

39

Well of course I’m not a true IPUnian! I am David B, your God. I was just commenting on a battle between false gods.

40

You forget of course about the Purple Oyster (of Doom.) According to IPU holy texts, her power has been diminished since their epic battle.