JFK shot himself

Well, the OP is technically correct, but he’s leaving out a lot of details. See, the man we all thought was Kennedy was actally a clone, grown by Fidel Castro from secret Nazi technology captured by the Soviets at the end of the war. When Kennedy’s PT boat rammed that Japanese destroyer in WWII, Kennedy was thrown over board. This was the opportunity the commies were waiting for: Kennedy was captured by a Russian submarine and his clone was released into the ocean to be picked up by his crew and returned to the US, where it eventually was elected president. Meanwhile, the real JFK was taken to Cuba. Joe Kennedy eventually found out what had happened, and mounted a raid on Cuba using Kennedy family mercenaries and members of the mafia. This was later covered up as The Bay of Pigs “invasion.” JFK realized that he couldn’t afford to expose the clone, because of the propaganda victory it would be for the USSR. So he established a false identity as Lee Harvey Oswald, had some very minor plastic surgery (years of living as a POW in Cuba had already drastically changed his appearance) and eventually assassinated himself with from the grassy knoll. He then faked his death, using his mafia connections to hire Jack Ruby. Ruby himself also faked his death, and was relocated to mafia operations in Cuba, (you knew Castro was also a mob poppet, just like Bautista, right? What are you, a moron?) where he eventually overthrew Castro and took over in secret. Hidden behind that big bushy beard, no one ever noticed the switch. In revenge, Castro secretly infiltrated the CIA and subverted the CIA hyno-assassin Sirhan Sirhan, using him to murder RFK to avenge himself on JFK, who was beyond his reach because he was living with Marilyn in the Grey’s secret moon base.

Any questions?

actually, jfk is not dead. he is still wandering around dallas trying to get back on that damn freeway. you can see it, but you can’t get on it. and the secret service is embarassed to admit it, and made up the whole assasination thing.

A New Insight into the Assassination of John F. Kennedy.
by Chuck Rothman

Introduction
The controversy over JFK’s assassination has raged for over thirty years, and there is still no consensus over what happened in Dallas that day. People have been proposing many theories, but there’s one possibility that has been seriously overlooked. The silence about this is suspicious; as people propose wider and wilder conspiracies, they (deliberately?) ignore the possibility I am about to outline. It may just be too unthinkable – or are the very people who profess to be concerned about the “truth” actually part of the plot?

I am not afraid of the consequences and am prepared to name names. JFK’s assassin can only be one person – Superman.

I can understand your skepticism at the prospect. Superman holds the highest regard among most Americans, much the way the government and the CIA held our regard back in 1963. It seems unthinkable that he was involved in such a crime. But the evidence is there, if you look at it without preconceptions.

Who is Superman?
It is apparent that Superman is not what he seems. He is, after all, a “strange visitor from another planet.”(1) In other words, an alien. How can we expect to understand the motives of an alien? Oh, sure, he may CLAIM to fight for “truth, justice, and the American way,”(2) but how do we know he’s not an alien agent, pretending to be our friend in order to secretly conquer us? This is a well-known tactic of aliens.(3)

And how does he bill himself? “The Man of Steel.”(4) Is it mere coincidence that this nickname translates into Russian as the name of one of America’s greatest enemies: “Stalin”? Obvious proof that Superman has communist leanings. And, of course, the very term “superman” was beloved by the Nazis.

We know little of Superman’s life. He has a “secret” identity – or, in legal terms, an alias – one he refuses to reveal. What might he be doing when submerged in this false name? Rumor has it that he’s a reporter. What better way to use his influence on the media to keep the story secret?

Some reports have indicated that he goes under the alias of “Clark Kent.” This is obviously a lie. Has anyone ever met this “Clark Kent”? Can anyone produce him? Of course not. And is it mere coincidence that the last name is the same as the famous criminal Harvey “Two-Face” Kent(5), who no doubt has links to organized crime?

Motive
This has been a sticking point with those looking for conspiracies and no motive postulated has stood out as an obvious reason. With Superman, however, the motive is clear and very simple. JFK had learned his “secret” identity.(6)

This, of course, put the president in immediate danger. As anyone knows, once you learn a superhero’s secret, you have very little chance of survival, as Joe Chill(7) and others have learned to their regret. Superman has gone to great lengths to protect his secret over the years. Lois Lane, an award-winning reporter for the Metropolis Daily Planet, has been trying to discover it ever since Superman’s career began and has been thwarted at every turn(8). It’s highly unlikely he’d let JFK discover it and not take some kind of action.

Evidence
Of course, there’s little evidence connecting Superman with the crime. But that proves nothing. After all, Superman has alien powers. With super speed, for instance, he could fly around Dealy Plaza too fast to be seen, and change the direction of the bullets in midflight. (Accounts agree that he is faster than a speeding bullet.) Critics of the conspiracy theory have pointed out that there was not enough time to convincingly fake all the evidence discovered, but with super speed it isn’t a problem. A precise usage of his x-ray vision can strategically fog the Zapruder film to remove all evidence of his presence. He can return to Metropolis in seconds – or quickly turn into his “secret” identity in Dallas (perhaps even pretending to be a witness! Even Zapruder himself!) – and have a perfect alibi. And who knows what other alien powers he may have that he has managed to keep a secret all these years? Has anyone ever conclusively shown where Superman WAS at the time of the killing? Of course not. So that proves he must have been involved. The lack of evidence PROVES the thoroughness with which he completed his nefarious deeds.

In addition, the Warren Commission report NEVER ONCE MENTIONS THE PLANET KRYPTON!(9) Obviously there has been a cover-up at the highest level. A search reveals nothing Superman was never even called as a witness(10), a sure sign that the facts of the matter have been suppressed.

Quibbles
A few people, most likely alien disinformationists working for the “Man” of “Steel,” have suggested that Superman is merely a fiction and does not exist. Who do the think the’re fooling? There are hundreds of books detailing his exploits(11) – much more wordage than has discussed any conspiracy. Do you really believe that this much detailed information could be produced if Superman didn’t exist? No one could have made up all of the thousands of tales of Superman that have appeared. A few may be fictional or exaggerations, but that leaves thousands more. And, of course the people who publish the books will PRETEND that Superman doesn’t exist. If Superman’s true nature were revealed, they’d be out of work!

Conclusion
It should be obvious that this is a new and rich area of investigation. Everything about the assassination can be shown to be the work of Superman. There’s at least as much proof of his involvement as there is of any conspiracy – maybe more – yet people continue to overlook the truth of the matter and insist a conspiracy did the deed. They are too cowed by the so-called “superhero’s” powers and reputation to admit to the truth.

Any serious investigators of this theory may contact me.

(1) Superman Radio show, c. 1940
(2) ibid.
(3) V, War of the Worlds, The Invaders, et. al.
(4) Superman Magazine, c. 1940-1994 passim.
(5) The Encyclopedia of Comic Book Heros, Vol. 1: Batman. Some accounts give Two-Face’s real name as “Harvey Dent,” but the Encyclopedia shows conclusively that it was actually “Kent,” and states that later version is an error (Error? Or deliberate alteration to blur the connection between the names?). It is interesting to note that volume 6 of the Encyclopedia – scheduled to cover Superman – has never been published. Another attempt to suppress of the truth?
(6) Action Comics #301, 1963.
(7) Batman Comics #47
(8) Lois Lane Comics 1950-1970 passim.
(9) Warren Commission Report
(10) ibid.
(11) Action Comics, Superman Magazine, World’s Finest Comics, Lois Lane Comics, Jimmy Olsen Comics, Superman: the Man of Steel and other titles, 1938-present.

Red or Blue Superman? It can’t be the regular, they were fighting for fame, one went back in time and shot our prez. and our stupid public didn’t get it.

Sorry I just got here from the data thread http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=83450 Shouldn’t that be propagandum.