The most recent “I’ve solved the Black Dahlia!” book—which. of course, does no such thing—has got me thinking. Why not dream up equally addle-pated solutions to famous crimes and pen my own best-seller?
•** Jim Nabors is the Lindbergh Baby**. Lindy, Jr., was not killed at all that night in 1932: he was whisked off to Alabama, whjere he was raised by the grieving parents, who had dropped off their own dead baby, accidentally run over, while driving through Hopewell, NJ.* Gawww-lllly!*
• Marilyn Monroe Killed the Black Dahlia. I’ve floated this one before: two girls drifting through post-war Hollywood, competing for roles . . . When Elizabeth Short tried to to get Marilyn’s agent boyfriend Johnny Hyde away from her, Marilyn snapped . . . Years later, of course, her guilt caught up with her and she killed herself—after confessing to JFK, while Jackie listened in on the phone!!
• Eleanor Roosevelt Killed Amelia Earhart! They were lesbian lovers, of course, and Amelia was threatening to out Eleanor, from jealousy (as Eleanor was two-timing her with Jean Harlow). A crazed Eleanor poisoned Harlow and cut the fuel lines on Amelia’s airplane . . .
I’m on a roll . . . Any others? I’m just working on how Andrew and Abby Borden were hacked to death by Oscar Wilde, on one of his American Tours, because their wallpaper was so tasteless . . .
A still-grieving Yankee Clipper blamed President Kennedy for the emotional breakdown of his ex-wife, Marilyn Monroe (remember, he sent flowers to her grave every week until his recent death!) His keen eye helped him to squeeze three shots at the Prez from that old rifle. Unwilling to finger America’s most beloved sports hero of the age for the Crime of the Century, Dallas police made a patsy out of Oswald.
Anna Nicole Smith killed Jon-Benet Ramsey! It was a tragic accident . . . The Ramseys invited Anna Nicole over to give them tips on how to make their daughter even trashier, and Anna Nicole—she’s so outrageous!—accidentally sat on her.
Queen Victoria was actually Jacqueline the Ripper.
“We are not amused, and you shall have to be butchered.”
She only looked dumpy and dowdy.
“She was always such a nice, quiet, monarch,” her subjects were quotes as saying. “You hardly ever heard any noise or anything like that coming from the palace. And to think, I lived right next door.”
Lizzie Borden did no such thing. The gruesome double homicide was committed by Abby Borden’s disaffected milk cow Elsie, who would later trade on name recognition by starting her own company.
Laci Peterson was actually slain by Rosanne in a bizarre murder/kidnap scheme!
Sources reveal that TV comedienne Roseanne, desperate after recent failed cosmetic surgeries, has been implicated in the kidnap and murder of young Modesto matron Laci Peterson.
“Hey, so now I know that birth placenta ain’t the fountain of youth like I been told!” quipped Roseanne. “So I make one mistake - no need to go all federal on me. Sheesh!”
As a young union official, Jimmy Hoffa kidnapped and murdered Judge J. F. Crater of the New York Supreme Court.
I’ve already mentioned in an earlier thread the fact that the Russian and the British royal families switched identities in 1916, making it the British royal family that was wiped out.
Duke, you forgot a detail. Oswald was blamed by the Dallas police because he had just murdered one of their own.
RFK was murdered by Ken Keating, the man he had beaten for the U.S Senate in 1964, with the help of Sam Stratton, who would have been the Dem nominee for Senate in 1964 if it hadn’t been for RFK.
C.H. Barris never murdered a foreign leader, but he DID shoot rival TV producer Jack Barry in 1984.
Eve, I know National Enquirer is offering you a lot of money and I know you are trying to convince yourself it would all be just in good fun…but don’t do it Eve, don’t do it! Think of your reputation here on the board.
And you know how valuable a good reputation is here at SDMB.
Your loyal legions of fans would be crushed to think that you, their pillar of intellectual light, is churning out schlock for supermarket aisles, (even if you are doing it to pay that blackmailer who has that nasty picture of you pushing little Peggy Entwhistle off the Hollywood sign.)
Jeff Chandler Killed Thelma Todd! Hot Toddy herself was the victim of a botched robbery by then teenaged and unknown Jeff Chandler. He only wanted her wardrobe of fine ladies clothing for himself.
Roddy McDowell Killed Sal Mineo! The usually calm and dignified McDowell snapped during a jealous rage over the fact that Mineo had gotten out of doing more than one of the increasingly silly Planet Of The Apes films.
George McGovern actually Liberace’s Long Lost Brother! This theory was first advanced by my father during the 1984 Presidential Campaign when he heard McGovern speak repeatedly during the Democratic primary season. He remembered Liberace’s catchphrase, “I wish my brother George was here,” and the pieces just fell into place.
The King Murdered By The Killer Elvis Presley’s death was really a forced drowning by Jerry Lee Lewis. The Killer was still angry over his career self-destruction that cleared the way for Elvis to become the king of rock ‘n’ roll. “If Ah’d only known that screwin’ teenage girls was okay as long as they weren’t family, all this would be mine!” Lewis then gave Elvis a Swirlee of Doom.
George W. Bush actually played Cornelius on The Planet of the Apes! Why he left it off his resume…What the term “hot monkey loving” means to him and Laura…and, yes, that really is a banana in his pocket…on next Hard Copy!
I’ve always suspected that Jackie Killed JFK. Notice how she tried to flee the scene of the crime! Anyone know where Lucretia Garfield and Ida McKinley were . . . ?
Lisa Marie Presley Married The Wrong Jackson! The brief 10 month marriage of Lisa Marie Presley to “Michael Jackson” was a case of mistake identity. Presley intended to marry Michael but became confused and married infamous Jackson sister Latoya. Latoya, sensing another chance to bask in the spotlight as well as stick it to her parents yet again, kept mum about her true identity. She charade worked until Presley decided to “consecrate this puppy” during a drunken holiday weekend and the gig was up. Nicholas Cage is reportedly enraged that he missed out on a chance at the hot three way action.
Alfalfa Killed By Robert Blake! Blake had a long standing grudge against Carl “Alfalfa” Switzer for killing a goat on the set of one of the Our Gang comedy shorts during a lunch break.
