Here’s the deal. There’s an opening here at…um…the Least Original Company Name Ever.
Remember when your parents said that you’d never get anywhere playing those video games for hours on end? Well, that changes now. Tell me your video game resume. The winner will get the job at the LOCNE, and be paid a handsome salary and get to brag to their fictional coworkers about how much ass they whoop at video games.
I’m probably the best game special effects artist in the industry. Not bragging- I’ve just never seen an effect that I couldn’t do better with fewer resources.
I’m sorry sir, but you haven’t said exactly what you’ve done with video games. Did you ever beat Mario Brothers 1? Unite the Triforce? Save the Earth?
I’m sorry sir. Your resume, as impressive as it is, is simply not enough for us to justify us hiring you. Good day.
I’ve played every RPG ever made for the NES, Genesis, SNES, and Playstation (excluding Valkyrie Profile). (Me no havy moneies for all the Playstation 2 games) I’ve beaten every stealth game ever made, excluding the Splinter Cell line which I don’t have the money for yet.
Interesting, sir. I’d like to hear more about your accomplishments. Did you happen to beat any in a fast manner or ever die once or happen to find the “unfindable” item?
I can beat every King’s Quest, Space Quest, Quest for Glory, and a couple of the Leisure Suit Larrys and Police Quests.
Hell, I was able to beat the EGA version of Quest for Glory I (it was called Hero’s Quest then,) before I was in the double-digits.
I have reunited the Triforce so many times it’s child’s play. Princess Zelda just has to think about calling me to save her ass and I’ve already done it.
Planet Zebes is my bitch, and I don’t need my older brother to get the last Space Invader for me.
Oh, I didn’t include a link to my site, did I? 
I usually suck at games and often want to beat the stupid out of most alleged ‘game designers’. I will promise to hurl controllers at game designers who think The Boss they’ve fallen love and cannot be beated with cheats or by hitting the 1 pixel sized ‘weak spot’ that doesn’t look any different from the rest of the beast. I will also strangle the designers who think that ‘realism’ mean the on screen character responds to the controls like a salted slug. I will defenestrate the game designer who uses the lack of decent controls as a feature to make it easier for the bad guys to hit you.
That is what I offer.
I’ve written the English scripts for four GBA games (at least 2 of which are well-loved by hardcore fans) and the English script for a soon-to-be-released ball-buster of a PS2 game. I worked my way up from a tester to an editorial position and now lead my own crews of testers in finding outrageous bugs and making. The games YOU play. Better!
(Sorry, I have to say it like that)
I saved the princess more times than I count, even the Minus Worlds. I can beat all the games in Super Mario All Stars in my sleep. I breezed through the Bonus Area in Super Mario World without even breaking a sweat.
I have beaten every non-sports-related game available on the Super Nintendo. At least I did every game that came to my childhool rental store.
I’ve played through FFIV and FFVI about 5 times each. I still cant decide which is my favorite. I got every esper and secret item on my first run through of each except for the spell Merton. I beat FFV in 14 hours using an emulator and the ‘save state’ feature.
I’ve seen the secret best ending in Chrono Trigger. I once attempted to beat Lavos when you first fight him in the water jug next to the training robot, but I gave up after 15 hours of levelling up.
As for Genesis games, I beat every single Sonic game. I got Super Sonic in each one as well, even Hyper Sonic in Sonic3+knuckles, the add-on cartridge thingy. I am willing to purchase a Sonic CD and SegaCD system from somebody just so I can beat that too.
My favorite Genesis game is Toe Jam and Earl 1. 2 was OK but not as good as the first one.
I didn’t cry when Aeris died in FFVII, because I had a feeling it was going to happen. Sephiroth was a pansy. I beat Omega and Ultima weapon, although I did it the cheap and easy way. My bad. I beat Omega weapon in FFVIII after 56 tries. I used the invincible dog spell with repeated Omnislashes.
I got all the stars in Mario 64. I got all the spider skull thingies in Ocarina of Time. For that matter, I’ve beaten every single Zelda game except the new Wii one which I dont have yet, and the Zelda2 for the NES (and the Philips CD-i one but that doesnt count). The Zelda2 cartridge got dirty and that’s my excuse haha.
At the age of 7, me and my dad got to the final area in The Adventures of Lolo. Our mental prowess combined however could not defeat Dungeon 85. The memory still haunts me to this day.
I beat every stage on the hardest setting on Goldeneye64, even Aztec. I pwned face in that game in multiplayer, causing my friends to refuse playing with me after a point. I was similarly skilled in Mario Kart, and Super Smash Brothers. Melee is perhaps my favorite game of all time.
Using my Japanese skills, I was the 3rd American level 75 Thief on the Alexander server of FFXI. I met my first GF and lost my virginity to a Japanese women I met on that game. I still have my character although that Autolycus is a bit rusty now.
I’ve beaten Kingdom of Loathing.
I’ve been a leading member of the Battle.Net based clan “Dark Legion” since its inception in 1999. My username there is supersaiyan(DL). I sucked at Starcraft but I’m very very good at Warcraft3. No, I dont play WoW.
I have about 50 gameboy games (original to DS), and I’ve beaten every single one except a Lunar RPG I just bought. My favorite gameboy game is Wario Blast, and the last boss in that is a pain in the ass.
I purchased a dreamcast just so I could play Marvel vs Capcom2 in its best version. I gave myself blisters from playing that too much.
The hardest game experience I’ve triumphed on is getting A ratings in Devil May Cry2. That game was sadistic.
Oh, and I almost forgot. The state of Florida made it a crime to sell me a Wii, stating that I’m a danger to myself and others.
**
That last one was a fib, but everything else is true. Up up down down left right left right B A Start 
I score stortest times in mine sweeper
and built a hex map equivalent of the game
wgich no longer workers because of www standardizations
Omega weapon? Are you referring to Ruby or Emerald weapon? I don’t remember an Omega weapon in FFVII.
My princesses are always in the right castle.
Ah yeah that’s what I meant. My bad. Knights of the Round pwned them though no matter what their names were.
Back in the day, I managed to defeat the arcade game Gun.Smoke with one quarter. That level 10 really isn’t a cakewalk, you know? The day I beat it I stopped playing it forever.
I club everybody over the head in Thief. Everyone. I sometimes have to take three hours to time their walk path, use a rope aroows and two moss arrows, and then smack them, but I do it.
Except for the cuter girls. 
I designed Rainbow Six.
Lightnin’, if that is really you, have you seen what Cryptic released for 3DMax? Complete and GPLed animation rig?
In other news…
I have sucked at almost every video game ever. From Advent to Flight Simulator to Decathalon to Kings Quest 1-god knows what through all the Space Quests and Infocom games INCLUDING Starcrossed in the UFO box, from the NES with Super Mario and Duck Tales (Overlooked, very good game) and Kid Icarus through the SNES and Sega Master and Sega Genesis era to the PS2 and Wii.
My PC history continues from X-Wing to TIE Fighter to X v TIE to Crimson Skies, through Sim City to 2000 to 3000, from Hillsfar to Curse of the Azure Bonds to Roadwar 2000 to Test Drive II the Duel to Interstate 76 to Heavy Gear to a thousand thousand others lost in the sands of time. I have sucked at them all.
EQ to Anarchy Online to City of Heroes to SWG to that darn shooty one I forget…
I still suck!
Even at Omega, the Tank design program by Origin Games.
Autolycus, your resume sounds pretty impressive. Did you manage to unlock alllll off the unlockable goodies in Goldeneye? (I never played any of the Devil May Cry games. Are they noteworthy?)
E-Sabbath, I like your anti-resume. You are in consideration for the position.
Lightnin’, Jesus christ, dude. I assume you love your job, no?
↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A
Need I say more?