Last Labor Day as I was sitting around with the compadres, I started thinking about jobs (and by extension the people who work in them) which perform no discernable function in society. People who have the jobs are such useless parasites that we decided (after much beery reflection and heated argument) that removing them would markedly improve our economic efficiency. After I sobered up, I removed the silly ones (i.e. lawyers, politicians, meter maids, etc.–although we all love to hate them you have to admit that they do perform a service) but there were four that I just couldn’t remove from the List o’ Death. Maybe one of y’all could provide me with some justification for their continued existence. Here they are:
Consultants: Now I should start by saying that consultants that perform a tangible job such as designing a computer network, building a bridge, creating software etc. etc. are ok in my book. The ones I have problems with are the ones who are called in to help with ‘restructing’ and ‘efficiency’. Now call me crazy and old fashioned, but isn’t that what we hire administrators for? That’s their job, right–to make sure the enterprise is running efficiently, to fire people that need to be fired, and to make sure the workplace runs smoothly? If that’s the case then why in gawds name would you need to bring in someone else to do it! If the administrator sucks so badly that efficiency is slipping, why not just fire him/her and bring in someone who can do the job? This really gets my goat as I actually worked with one of these ‘consultants’ when I had to pick up a second job a few years ago. This guy was giving advice to numerous organizations ranging from a state-run health organization in Colorado to a company that made widget’s of some sort but, get this, he didn’t know a freakin thing about widget’s or health care! So instead of having someone who actually knew something about what they were doing giving them advice, the numbskulls in charge of these organizations had a damn psych major dictating their policies! And how did he do this? All he did was buy a Meyers-Briggs (I think that’s the name of it) personality test, give it to the participants in the conference, and charge them $50 k. What a scam. They’d have been better off simply firing the yahoo who funded the conference and using his/her salary (plus the $50k) to hire someone competent to manage them.
Model’s: I think a comedian–not sure of the name–said it best when he noted that these people doing a job that a hanger could do. It wouldn’t be so bad if these folks actually looked like real people so we could see what these cloths looked like on a person (in the rare instance that they’re not wearing something that looks like it was put together by a crazed lunatic foraging in a post-Apocalyptic wasteland) but let’s face it: the women look like wierdly distorted silicate aliens and the men look like they’ve just stepped out of a Communist propaganda poster (either that or they’re suffering from a severe allergic reaction to something). So essentially we have people parading around who’s job it is to wear cloths nobody will ever wear and–supposedly this is the hard part–walk. And they get paid lots of money for this. Yea, THAT makes a boatload of sense.
Pet Psychic’s: Listen, I’m going to tell y’all for free what your dog is thinking of right now: food, boinking, playing or sleeping. Your cat is thinking of sleeping, food, playing or boinking. Your gawd-damned horse is thinking of the same shit and ditto for the iguana, rat, parrot, snake, spider, monkey, lion etc. etc. or whatever you have lounging around the house. SO WHY ARE YOU PAYING SOME NITWIT GOOD MONEY TO FIND OUT WHAT YOU PET IS THINKING ABOUT!? That’s just plain dumb. What’s even better is that some people are using pet psychic’s to find out what’s physically wrong with their pets, sort of ignoring the fact that there is an entire profession of people out there–golly gee, they’ve got to go to school and all to get accredited too–who already do that. You know, they’re called veterinarians. But no, some knuckleheads would rather call a sleazy dirtbag and have him/her diagnose their pet over the phone than take little Skippy in to the vet. This is the type of knuckle-dragging, crystal-hugging doofus-brain that taser guns were invented for I tell ya.
Interior Decorators: You are smart enough to amass enough money and/or credit to buy a house, and now you’re telling me you’re too simple-minded to figure out where to put your couch?! What the hell?! Listen, it’s YOUR damn house–put the freakin thing where YOU want it! Not where some stranger wants it, but where YOU want it! Why is this such a tough concept for some people? Why the HELL would you want someone to come in to your house and arrange it the way they like it? I find it strikingly crazy that someone would shop around for a house, presumably picking one that they like, but then when they actually get inside the house they are suddenly stricken dumb by the sight of a bare room. Or wall. Or whatever. The wild thing is that after the people get done interior decorating the place, they’re not really living in their house any more: they’re living in the interior decorator’s house and actually paying that personage to do so! Yea, ok. Hell, pay me some cash and I’ll arrange your furniture for you too. Just plain silly if you ask me.
I say we eliminate them all and use the money they used to get paid to fund education or something useful. Damn parasites…
I think the answer to all of them are: if someone paid you an assful of money to do it, would you? First I’d ask how large the ass is, but I’d probably say yes.
With models, people actually do purchase those things. For $3,000 a dress, when next week JC Penney’s will be selling the knock off for $30, but they are purchased. That doesn’t really justify the model’s existence, merely that the end product is somewhat useful to a select section of the population.
May I suggest we extend pet psychics to ALL psychics? But the answer again would be, if someone is willing to pay, then someone else is willing to do. Supply and demand. Give me $100 and I’ll tell your fortune. I’ll tell Spot’s fortune. Hell, give me $1,000 and I’ll read Spot’s fecal matter like it was tea leaves.
Interior decorators I can understand. I would never use them, but I can understand them. Imagine that you haven’t actually BOUGHT the furniture yet. You just have an empty house. But you’re too busy managing your multinational corporation to actually fill it with sitty down thingies. So you hire someone to do all that shopping for you. If you like it, great. If you don’t, they try again. It’s still your house and your stuff…they just did the legwork.
I will justify Interior
A few months back, a Staples office supply store was going out of business in our area.
I noted that there were (for lack of a better word) “workers” stationed about three block away from the store in both directions on the street. These workers were holding poles, affixed to which were brightly colored signs with “STAPLES GOING OUT OF BUSINESS! MINIMUM 25%OFF EVERTHING!” printed on them.
I remarked to GrizzWife, “Do you suppose they’re PAYING these people to stand there and hold those signs? Because a HOLE IN THE GROUND would be much cheaper!”
So, there you have it… I saw people doing a job that a hole in the ground COULD DO BETTER!
See, I was going to guess that the answer to the title of this thread was “blow”.
[sub]No offense Wabbit, that was just a hard straight line to pass up…[/sub]
These guys actually make sense. It’s illegal in most places to dig a hole on public property and put up a sign without the city’s permission. Since they’re getting rid of all their inventory anyway and are going to fire everyone, they simply pay some people minimum wage to hold up their signs.
Consultants are one of a couple flavors, I’ve experienced: high-priced help for organizations that don’t want to hire permanently, or bozos who through a combination of mumbo-jumbo and friends in high places swagger around making fools of people.
Models, that’s a different story. Just try getting great, professional quality photograph or video of clothes / furniture / cars / condoms / whatever without using professional models. Very frustrating for both parties. The non-model doesn’t get why certain poses look awful, get nervous or impatient taking direction, and just don’t see why acting for the camera is necessary. The nicest, most lovely and talented non-pros can turn into walking disasters.
Pet psychics? Why stop there? Any psychic who can’t demonstrate a psychic talent should be barred.
Interior decorators: you ain’t trying to impress your dog what color your couch is, and where it’s placed, you’re trying to impress your boss, significant other, the neighbors, etc. Get with the ticket! Have you got your designer doormat, yet?
Consultants: Come on, these guys serve a valid function, they fire the Carl Lumberg’s of the world. Corporate America is clearly not capable of managing itself, all the people with half a brain or more are either drugged out making a low wage in the low echelons or are the CEOs. Everyone else is some kind of sea slug that needs to be weeded out once in a while.
Models: Heh, models ARE hangers, that’s their JOB. And people do buy those clothes they wear for tens of thousands to hundreds of thousands of dollars. It’s like buying a piece of fine art to the collector. They don’t pick models who have good bodies because the designer wants you looking at the clothes and not the model’s great tits.
Pet Psychics: Trickle down theory in action.
Interior Decorators: Come on this job is so fabulous.
Yeah, there are good consultants and bad consultants in the same way as there are good and bad mechanics or teachers. What (understandably) sticks in people’s throats is the money paid to consulting firms and to consultants for the results that are shown. I work in pretty much a consulting role and I’m permanently amazed how many companies pay us to tell them something they should be able to work out for themselves. Often it’s an excuse to get an unpalatable message across without starting departmental infighting in a company, or a way to remind company people that all the trees they’re seeing make up a forest.
I just remodeled my kitchen and den and if I’d known where I could find one and could afford it, I would certainly have hired an interior decorator. Do you know how long it took me to find the right color for the kitchen (off white, but the hopefully right off white)? Picking out the right tiles for the backsplash for the counters? Spending my days looking at paint chips is not my idea of a good time. I’d hire someone to do that just so I don’t have to spend my days making decisions that I’m not particularly qualified or motivated to make.
My vote for least useful person is the one who hands out tickets at tollbooths.
Eeeeh…I think models are used because the people who buy clothes see a beautiful woman in those same clothes and think that they’ll look like that woman if they buy those clothes.
This happened to me with Victoria’s Secret. I’d get the catalog, and see a bra I liked, order it and then wonder why I didn’t look like Letitia Costa, however you spell her name.
A good friend of mine and my bf’s got hit by a bus yesterday and drug along a bit. Nobody knew any details until last night when his wife called and let us know of the situation…bad foot, broken knee, et al.
I got into an argument with my bf’s mother (who’s a consultant of the sort you speak of) about whether or not our friend George would mind us sending out an update email to friends concerned. Everyone wanted to know what was going on. She thought that we should keep the whole accident under wraps. Why, I don’t know.
Her final parting argument to me was “George and I are F-types on Meyer-Briggs, and you’re a T-type so you don’t really know how George would feel about it.”
WTF. I’ve never even taken this friggin’ test and she’s dividing me into a little category of ignorance.
There’s a Ralph’s grocery store by my house. It has undergroud parking and you have to use escalators to go up to the store. They used have people stationed at the top and bottom of the escalators, and hour after hour their job was to tell people as they come off to “watch your step”. That seemed like a pointless job. I say used to, because they don’t have them anymore. I figure they had a consultant come in and tell them that it wasn’t necessary.
I lived in Poland for a few years and they had people whose job it was to sell toilet paper to those using the public bathrooms.
Of course the amount they spent paying these folks to sit there and sell TP was much more than they actually made off of selling the TP insted of just giving it away.
Are you sure the OP didn’t mean pet psychiatrists, rather than psychics? 'Cause I’ve heard of people putting their dogs in therapy, and I’ve wondered just what the hell they were getting for their money. I, like the OP, always figured most dogs were happy if they were fed, got to chase a ball every now and then, and occasionally humped the neighbor’s leg.
I have two nominations for useless jobs, that I’d like you all to consider and comment on:
• Greeters at the front door in Wal Mart. The point of that would be…?
• Restroom attendants, usually at swanky clubs. You expect me to tip you for handing me a towel… that came from a dispenser… that I could have grabbed myself? If they’d wipe my ass for me, I could justify it…
The following posts advertised in The Guardian last week surely have to be put under consideration (and, if possible, analysed by a consultant)
Gender Awareness Trainer
Health Improvement Specialist – Smoking Cessation
A role which apparently includes “Managing the Smoking Database Co-Ordinator”. Whatever that’s supposed to be.
Social Enterprises Development Manager
and my favourite waste of public money: Practice Development Officer - Moving & Handling (Adult Services)
Who is “Responsible for the development and implementation of Social Services departmental response to manual handling legislation” and gets paid c.£25,000 to bear this enormous responsibility.
