All right, you fargin’ iceholes! Let’s have some quotes!
“Bless the saints, it’s an ashtray! I’ve been thinking of taking up smoking. This clinches it!”
Johnny: “You got those. I like those on a woman.”
You shouldn’t have hung me on a hook Johnny. My mother hung me on a hook once. ONCE.
It’s an .88 magnum. It shoots through schools.
You miserable cork-soaker!
“It’ll be good to see her spit again.”
I AM handicapped: I’m psychotic.
Calling all cars. Calling all cars. Be on the look out for… now listen to this: Dangerously and accomplices dressed as nuns driving a sedan covered with… oh you’ll love this… duckies and bunnies.
You know, I was trying to find out recently what ever happened to him, and couldn’t find out. There seems to be a martial arts guy named Richard Dimitri, but I don’t believe it’s the same person. The guy who was in Johnny Dangerously and When Things Were Rotten has a credit from Tracey Ullman about 20 years ago and then he disappears. Can’t find out if he’s dead or alive. Johnny Dangerously was on last week and I took it into my head to find out, and I did some mad searching. Does anybody know?
I go both ways.
Do you know your last name’s an adverb?
“I’ve got notarized depositions! Tire prints! Blood samples! Eye witnesses! The Murder Weapon!”
“It’s… flimsy. It’ll never hold up in a court of law.”
“Joo and jour bastitches can gamble.”
“I’m going legit”
“Le-what?”
“Legit”
Don’t know why, but that cracks me up 
“Johnny and the Mothers are playin’ Stompin’ At the Savoy in Vermont tonight.”
That routine just cracked me up.
“Ante meridian, uncle meridian, and all the little meridians…”
Take it easy? I’m standing here with my dork in my hand
"The years hadn’t softened Moronie. He continued to murder the English Language, and anyone who got in his way. "
“Your Testicles and You”
“I can see!..and I can hear!..but…who am I?”
I would like to direct this to the distinguished members of the panel: You lousy cork-soakers. You have violated my farging rights. Dis somanumbatching country was founded so that the liberties of common patriotic citizens like me could not be taken away by a bunch of fargin iceholes… like yourselves.