Two pretty straightforward ones, the first of which I actually had to explain to the friend I told it to. The second one, despite repeated explanations, took over ten years to sink into one guy I know.
How do you get down from an elephant? You don’t. You get down from a duck.
Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
(He just couldn’t get why clowns would taste funny.)
OK, dammit, I got every single joke except for this one 
. Someone please explain it to me before I go crazy.
Think about what termites are known for. Then focus on the words that are usually one word but are seperated in the joke.
Back in college, during a survey of contemporary literature course, my professor was lecturing about “Deliverance” by James Dickey.
My Prof: “…And see how the trip is a disaster! Ballinger gets killed in the rapids, and Trippe, well even though he doesn’t die he does get it in the end.”
Class: pause, then loud, LOUD groans.
My Prof: “I’ve been waiting three days to tell that one!”
There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don’t.
Generally speaking, people who get this joke and those who don’t get it fall into the same 10 groups.
Oh. OH! OHHHH! :smack: That Henny Youngman.
Believe it or not, I had to say one of the words several times by itself to get the joke. I kept thinking noun. Not bad at all.
I like that one, as well as the “10 people” jokes (though you can’t really tell them aloud and be fair). Same goes for “You and dead people” jokes…
The Buddhist monk asks the hotdog vendor “Could you make me one with everything?”
Nope.
Ones and zeros are how binary is written. 1, 0, =2
Hey; have you heard about the new restaurant on the moon?
Great food… no atmosphere
A naked lady walks up to a party and tries to get in. The host explains, “This is a costume party, you can’t just walk around with no clothes on. You need to represent something.” She says OK and returns later wearing only black gloves and black shoes. The host now frustrated says, “What are you dressed as?”
“The five of spades.”
Re: the dumb “joke” that ends with the guy walking out onto the street after having gone through a series of labelled doors. Imagine he had taken notes on which of each of the doors he picked. Certainly then he’d know how he was…
I didn’t promise it’d be good - just that it’d take time to sink in…
Someone please spoilerbox me an explanation? I confess myself baffled.
The feathers of a duck are called down.
I’m pleased I’ve so far gotten everyone except for the Neil Bush one, which isn’t honestly very funny. Sorry.
Here’s one. I hope it fits the criteria. It’s mildly dirty, so if you’ve got sensitive ears (eyes) shut 'em!
A man sees a sign as he’s driving.
“Wanna get screwed? Visit The Sisters of Mary. two miles down.”
He figures , what the hell, so he pulls over two miles down, gets out of the car, and knocks on the door of this building.
The door opens, and a nun answers. “Hello, sir, you want to get screwed?”
He nods. She says, “Ok, you need to give me $100.”
He opens his wallet and hands it to her, and she continues, “Go down, take your first left, then your second right.”
He takes his first left, then his second right, and ends up outside! The door slams shut behind him. He turns around and sees there is no way to open it from this side. There is a sign on the door that says,
“Congrats! You’ve just been screwed!”
This one usually goes right over the heads of people I say it to - only about 1 in 10 actually get it - and most of those are people who I’ve done it to several times in the past. It requires a setup, but it happens often enough - especially when someone tells you something they dont want repeated. Here’s an example:
other person: dont tell anyone I told you
me: tell anyone what?
thats it. However, it usually continues:
other person: that I just told you
me: told me what?
other person: {the secret}
me: what about it?
Frustration usually ensues.
People actually don’t get this? It’s done in movies and TV all the time, usually along the lines of:
Mafia Guy: You didn’t see that!
Other guy: See what?
Mafia Guy: Exactly!
If we’re still doing nun jokes, there’s always the oldie-but-goodie about the nun in the bath. There’s a knock at the door and she says: “Who is it?” “It’s the blind man,” comes the reply. “Oh, OK, come on in.” So a man walks in and says, “Nice tits. Where do you want the blind?”
To stick to the OP, though, the best I’ve heard goes: “Why did the architect have his house made backwards?” “So he could watch Match of the Day*.” Not particularly funny or even clever, but it took me seven hours to get it first time I heard it (though in my defence I was a naive twelve year old at the time).
A few years back, I was working for a little computer shop and one of the other employees had this posted on the door to his office. I walked in to meet him on my first day and, lacking anything else to say, I made some comment about how I liked his sign:
Him: (looking at the door) “What sign?”
Me: (turning to look at the door, confirming that it was the only thing posted there) “Uhh, that one, the one that says, ‘There are two types of people in the world…’”
Him: (looking frustrated and confused, interrupting me) “IT SAYS, 'There are ten types of people in the world…”
Me: (smiling and nodding) “Well, it was nice to meet you.”
Yeah, he turned out to be an ultra-fundamentalist christian wifebeater that missed work a couple times because he was in jail. We didn’t get along too well.
Sorry, I have to tell that anecdote whenever I see this joke.
I almost forgot my favorite, until this thread on urinal ettiquette jogged my memory.
Warnings:
1.) Only works on guys, sorry gals.
2.) I only recommend this with good friends who won’t punch you!
3.) With my apologies to greeks.
You duck into the john to see your friend happy losing a couple of beers. Walk up behind him, stick your finger into his back, between the shoulder blades, and say “Tall Greek.”
These are pretty old, but fit the OP, so …
What’s the difference between a band of savage pygmies and a girl’s track team?
The pygmies are cunning little runts.
What’s the difference between a nun and a woman in a bathtub?
The nun has a soul full of hope.
What’s the difference between a pun and a fart?
A pun is a shift of wit.
Hickory, dickory, dock.
Two mice ran up the clock.
The clock struck one,
But the other one got away.
But my all-time favorite is a visual bi-lingual pun. It is a red circle with a slash over a capital letter L.
I wear a button like this around Christmas. The slashed circle means “NO”, like on “No Smoking” signs. So the combination is “NO L” or Nöel.