I like a close cousin of that one: There are 3 types of people in the world. Those who can count, and those who can’t.
The first mate on a ship decided to celebrate an occasion with a “little” stowed away rum. Unfortunately he got drunk and was still drunk the next morning. The captain saw him drunk and when the first mate was sober, showed him the following entry in the ship’s log: “The first mate was drunk today.” “Captain please don’t let that stay in the log”, the mate said. “This could add months or years to my becoming a captain myself.” “Is it true?” asked the captain, already knowing the answer. “Yes, its true” the mate said. “Then if it is true it has to go in the log. That’s the rule. If its true it goes into the log, end of discussion” said the captain sternly.
Weeks later, it was the first mate’s turn to make the log entries. The first mate wrote: “The ship seems in good shape. The captain was sober today.”
Here is another nun joke.
Two nuns were riding their bikes and got lost. They pulled onto a gravel road then one of the nuns started to smile. “I know where we are now, I’ve come this way before.”
This joke typically takes 5-10 seconds to sink in when I tell it to people. I’m sure several variations exist but this is how I tell it:
A group of engineers are discussing the engineering design of the human body.
The mechanical engineering expresses, “I believe God was a mechanical engineer; the joints are so well designed. For example, just look at what the human hands are capable of doing…”
The electrical engineer interrupts and adds, “You make a good point but God must have been an EE as well. The complexity of the network of signals from the nerves to the brain are beyond what any non-EE could design.”
Then, the chemical engineer puts in his word, “That’s true. However, a chemical engineer was also involved in this design. I know this because the endocrine and digestive systems especially are like miniature chemical plants.”
The three of them nod in agreement and then turn to look at the the civil engineer who had been quiet to this point.
The civil engineer responds, “Hey, only a civil engineer would run a waste pipeline through a recreational area.”
The mechanical engineer… rather
I was doing very well getting all these jokes (with the exception of: Neil Bush [hey, I was a kid then], the agnostic finding himself on the street [I know he doesn’t commit to any particular belief, but…], and the nuns in the shower [women masturbate with bars of soap??]) but the last couple have me stumped. Can someone explain the following:
Even substituting Monday Night Football, I’m not sure I get it. Unless it’s…
“House made” = “house maid,” and having her backwards enabled him to watch TV while having sex with her?
The only possible thing I can think of is…
The guy’s supposed to think it’s a very tall Greek’s dick touching his back??? Very weak explanation, but I can’t think of any other one, or a play on words that I’m missing.
I was at a fancy Italian restaurant once with some people, and the waitress asked how many slices I’d like my pizza to be cut into. I pulled out Yogi Berra’s classic response: “Cut it into four slices; I couldn’t possibly eat eight.”
I figured it was a pretty well known quip, and pretty easy to get even if you hadn’t heard it. But one guy at the table just didn’t get it. It became kind of embarassing, because it took forever for the rest of us to explain it to him.
Some people do a double take for this one: “Hey Bob, did you get a haircut?” “No, I got all of them cut.”
I don’t get this one. And I’m also waiting on the architect one.
My HS BF, Steve the Idiot, was baffled by this dialogue on The Young Ones:
Woman: Do you dig graves?
Neil: Yeah, yeah; they’re all right!
Woman: I think they’re wonderful!
And I have this one that almost no one ever gets.
“I heard about this guy who bowled three hundred and won.”
“You can’t bowl three hundred and one; it’s impossible.”
“Well, ever see someone bowl three hundred and lose?”
For some reason, more people will continue on, “But three hundred is a perfect game! There are ten frames…” until they finally get it, but are unamused.
Does getting a joke 30 years later count as a delayed reaction?
How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t get down from an elephant; you get down from a duck.
I first heard that joke when I was six, I didn’t get it, and asked my parents why it was funny. “You know, like duck down.” I thought DUCK! like stooping low to avoid an oncoming snowball, or overhanging beam. When you duck, you get down. It seemed to me a play on the word duck. I still didnt think the joke was funny. I asked a few more times, and never got a satisfactory answer. But oh well, it wasnt that important. I went back to my “Why did the elephant sit on the marshmallow?” joke, and never looked back.
A few months ago I took my duvet to be dry cleaned, and noticed that it had duck down listed as the filling. DUCK down. You get * down * from a duck. Ha ha ha.
I told my mother later that day that I had * finally * got the joke, thereby becoming one myself.
Why did the elephant sit on the marshmallow?
The entry saying the Captain was sober was technically true, but it made it seem as if it was such a noteworthy event that it warranted an entry in the log (so, implying that most days, the Captain was drunk_
To keep from falling into the hot chocolate
And sorry for the duck down story /explanation.
I either missed page 2 or took a very long time composing my story. We were still on Nuns and No Soap: Radio when I started posting.
I see. Thank you.
A 6 foot tall, talking grasshopper bellies up to a bar.
The bartender has never seen such a thing before. All he can muster is “You know, we have a drink named after you!”
Grasshopper says: “You have a drink named Steve?”
A penguin drives his car to the ice cream shop, gets a cone and leaves. As he is driving along his engine starts to shudder and he loses power, just abrely managing to drift into a mechanics garage before it dies.
After looking at the car for a few minutes the mechanic says “You blew a seal.”
The penguin wipes his mouth and says “No, that’s just vanilla.”
As a follow-on from the above, anytime someone tells me to wipe my mouth because something is there I say “Oh, I got the job.”
Sometimes takes a few seconds for people to get it.
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
{I’ll post the answer tomorrow}
-Tcat
I heard that last one as “How do you keep a cunt in suspense?”, which works even better 
How do you make a hormone?
Refuse to pay her.
What’s the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?
You can’t hear a vitamin.
Interesting that you have a dirty enough mind to get the Match of the Day one (because I think that’s it even though I didn’t get it…would work better spoken) but not the Greek one. The idea is
the finger represents the tall greek’s dick. So what he’s trying to do with it (being greek), he’s too tall to…enough said.
Oh and no women do not masturbate with soap (commonly). Which is why I always thought that was a lousey joke. (What’s the fun of something that gets smaller when you rub it 
.)
The nuns one I heard was about a room full of nuns, lying in the dark.
One says, “Where’s the candle?” and another one giggles, and says, “It does, doesn’t it?”
I always thought the idea is the second nun had previously accidentally discovered the joy of vigourouls cleansing, rather than set out to masturbate and with that in mind reached for the soap.