A joke -- that's all.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I just thought I’d fire off one of my favorite jokes. Are we allowed to do that in here? Well, whatever. . .
Joe is standing in his yard one day and he sees the new neighbor walking down the street. So Joe introduces himself, they get to talking, and he asks the new guy “what do you do for a living?”

“I’m a deductive reasonist at the University.”

“A deductive reasonist – what’s that?”

The new guy says, “Well, let me give you an example. . .I say that you’re a heterosexual.”

“That’s right! How did you know?”

“Well, I notice you have a dog house. If you have a dog house, you must have a dog. If you have a dog, you must have kids to play with it. If you have kids, you must have a wife. If you have a wife, you must be a heterosexual.”

“Well. . .that’s just great.”

So, they say their goodbyes and next thing you know, another neighbor comes up to Joe and says, “I see you were talking to the new guy.”

“Yup”

“So what’s he do for a living.”

“He’s a deductive reasonist at the University.”

“A deductive reasonist – what’s that?”

“Well,” Joe says, “let me give you an example. . .do you have a dog?”

“Well, no, I don’t.”

“Faggot.”

2

And I always thought jokes were supposed to be funny.

Learn something new everyday!

3

That wasn’t bad, actually. Not exactly “haha” funny, but more like a mere “heh”.

:smiley:

One of my favorites (I’m sure most of you have already heard it)

A Mom is driving her little girl to her friend’s house for a play date. “Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?” The mother looks over at the little girl, “Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it isn’t polite.” the mother warns. “Ok,” the little girl says, “How much do you weigh?”

“Now really,” the mother says, “these are personal questions and are really none of your business.” Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and daddy get a divorce?”

“That is enough questions, honestly!” The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

“My Mom wouldn’t tell me anything,” the little girl says to her friend. “Well,” said the friend, “all you need to do is look at her driver’s license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it.” Later that night the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are. You’re 32.” The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”

“I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.” The mother is past surprise and shock now. “How in heavens name did you find that out?” The little girl continues on triumphantly, “And… I know why you and daddy got divorce.”

“Oh really?”, the mother asks, “Why is that?” To which the girl replies, “Because you got an F in sex.”
HA!

4

One of my current favorites:

A guy walks into a bar with his monkey. The guy sits at the bar and the monkey goes over to watch a game of pool being played. After a few minutes the monkey jumps up on the table and swallows the cue ball. The man and the monkey are asked to leave, the man apologizes profusely.

Two weeks later the guy comes back to the bar with his monkey again. Just as the bartender begins to object, the man says “Don’t worry, he’ll stay right here with me.” The bartender agrees to let them stay.

After a while the guy asks if the bar has any peanuts or pretzles, and the bartender brings over a bowl of each. The monkey tentatively reaches for a peanut, eyes it, sticks it up his butt, and then eats it. This gets the attention of the bartender, but he lets it slide. Then the monkey reaches for a pretzle, eyes it, sticks it up his butt and then eats it.

At this point the bartender has to intervene, “Hey buddy that’s disgusting. Why the hell is your monkey doing that?” The guy says “Well, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he tests everything before he eats it.”

5

What? Can you please explain this to me, 'cuz I don’t get it.

6

The monkey ate the cue ball and, well, let’s say the end result was painfully unpleasant.

7

Okay, my turn to post a silly joke. I just heard this one today.
This blonde Highway Patrolwoman is patrolling the highway when another blonde speeds past her in the opposite direction. The patrolwoman flips on her lights and siren, turns around and pulls over the other blonde. She asks the driver for her driver’s license, which puzzles the woman. She says she doesn’t know what that is and asks the patrolwoman to explain it to her. The patrolwoman gestures with her hands and tells her it’s a small square with her picture on it. The driver gets a smile on her face and reaches for her purse. She rummages around inside it, pulls out a mirrored compact and opens it. She then hands it to the patrolwoman, asking, “Is this what you mean?” The patrolwoman takes the compact, looks at herself in the mirror and says, “Well, if I’d known you were a Highway Patrolwoman I wouldn’t have pulled you over.”

Yeah, I know. It rates a “meh” at best. :rolleyes:

8

Trunk- got a smile, but not very PC, eh? :eek:

Chill- I hate precocious kids jokes in general- but that one wasn’t too bad.

dnooman- a bit subtle, but I like it! :cool:

Lady Kate- not too funny all by itself, but a good addition to either cop or blonde jokes. :wink:

9

Took me a few seconds to get it too. Now I’m laughing my ass off…

10

It is funny.

11

To each his own.

12

Then what motivated you to open your mouth in the first place?

13

Trunk posted it. I read it. I gave an opinion. It’s how this board works.

14

No thanks, you don’t need to tell me how the board works.

You posted a rude and “witty” insinuation that the joke was not funny at all.

15

:rolleyes:

Whatever.

16

Which part of “And I thought” escapes you as a personal opinion and not a final judgement?

17

I was walking down the street when I saw an very elderly gentleman sitting on a park bench, crying. I was concerned, so I approached him and asked what was the matter. “I just got married last week,” he said, “to a beautiful 22-year-old woman, and we’ve been having incredible sex day and night.”
“Why is that such a problem?,” I asked.
He sobbed, “I can’t remember where I live.”

18

What’s the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

Christopher Walken

19

Awww, that’s mean!

20

Two priests and a rabbi hike together regularly to stay fit. One hot and humid day, they reach a clearing at woods edge and nearby is a spring fed pond of inviting, cool water. With little hesitation, the three are swimming in their birthday suits like youngsters. One of them spots a cluster of raspberry bushes close to the pond, and the three enjoy the sweet fruit.

Into the clearing there suddenly appears a group of children on a nature walk, led by some ladies from town. The two priests cover their genitals, the rabbi covers his face, and the naked trio makes haste for the treeline.

Once out of sight, one of the priests says to the rabbi, “What were you thinking, covering your face?” The rabbi replies, “For your congregation I cannot speak, but in mine, it’s my face they would recognize.”