Michael and Niall were walking past the church. Niall says to Michael, “I’m going to stop and go to confession. I need to ask the priest for absolution.”
“Absolution for what?” asks Michael.
“I’ve been engaging in sexual intercourse with a young lady, yet we are not married.”
Niall goes into the confessional, kneels down and says,
“Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I’ve been engaging in sexual intercourse with a young lady, yet we are not married.”
The Priest says, “Who have you been with, my son?”
Niall replies, “Father, I couldn’t tell you that, it wouldn’t seem right to.”
“If one of the girls in my Parish has strayed into sin, I should know about it,” answers the Priest.
But Niall would not give the Priest a name.
“Was it Nancy McFadden?”
“No, Father.”
“Was it Molly O’Shea?”
“No, Father.”
“Was it Mary Fogarty?”
“No, Father.”
“My son, if you can’t tell me who you have been with then I can’t give you absolution.”
Niall leaves the confessional and meets up again with Michael.
Michael asks, “So, did the priest give you absolution?”
Niall answers, “No, but he gave me three very good leads.”
> > > An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally
> > > said that the bar is closing.
> > >
> > > So the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face. He tried to
> > > stand one more time; same result. He figured he’ll crawl outside and get
> > > some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
> > >
> > > Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to
> > > crawl the four blocks home.
> > >
> > > When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell flat on his face. He
> > > crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
> > >
> > > When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he
> > > managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed
> > > and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
> > >
> > > He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him,
> > > shouting, “SO YOU’VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!”
> > >
> > > Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, “What
> > > makes you say that?”
> > >
> > > “The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again!”
Shameless copy and paste from my post in another thread:
A guy walks into a bar with his monkey. The guy sits at the bar and the monkey goes over to watch a game of pool being played. After a few minutes the monkey jumps up on the table and swallows the cue ball. The man and the monkey are asked to leave, the man apologizes profusely.
Two weeks later the guy comes back to the bar with his monkey again. Just as the bartender begins to object, the man says “Don’t worry, he’ll stay right here with me.” The bartender agrees to let them stay.
After a while the guy asks if the bar has any peanuts or pretzles, and the bartender brings over a bowl of each. The monkey tentatively reaches for a peanut, eyes it, sticks it up his butt, and then eats it. This gets the attention of the bartender, but he lets it slide. Then the monkey reaches for a pretzle, eyes it, sticks it up his butt and then eats it.
At this point the bartender has to intervene, “Hey buddy that’s disgusting. Why the hell is your monkey doing that?” The guy says “Well, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he tests everything before he eats it.”
Uh, ignore that last one. :smack:
Take 2…
Now *that]/i] was funny. 
I came home the other day and my boyfriend said “I think you might be a pedophile.” I said “Wow, that’s a pretty big word for a 9 year old.”
OK, can I say it?
This joke is… Funny. As. Hell!
Yep, I’m going to be telling this one again!
The cue ball /monkey one is my new favorite.
It was even funny the second time!
A painter is whitewashing the inside of an outhouse when his ladder slips and he falls into the muck. Unable to climb out without assistance, he screams, “FIRE! FIRE!! FIRE!!!” Several minutes pass and he hears the wail of sirens, and shortly thereafter a Captain and engine company are staring down at him.
“Where’s the fire?” asks the Captain. “There isn’t one,” tha painter replies.
“Then what did you yell FIRE for?”
“Would you guys have come out if I’d yelled ‘SHIT! SHIT!! SHIT!!!’?”
Two antennae met on a rooftop, and fell in love.
They decided to get married.
The ceremony wasn’t much.
But the reception was terrific.
Why did they hang the Brown Paper Cowboy?
Rustlin’
What’s the biggest problem Dildo Farmers have?
Squatters.
There was once an island where the inhabitants worshiped immortal dolphins as their gods. Every year they would sacrifice baby seagulls to these immortal dolphins. One year, as it came time for the sacrifice, they found that there were no seagulls anymore. They did notice huge flocks of them flying around a neighboring island that was inhabited by long time rivals.
So they hopped in their canoes, and snuck over. As they were going up the path to the seagull nesting place, they came across a pair of majestic lions asleep on the path. They quietly tiptoed over the lions, grabbed the baby gulls and quietly tiptoed back.
Just as they were about to get back in their canoes and head home, a bunch of the warriors from the tribe came and arrested them. What was the charge?
Transporting young gulls over stately lions for immortal porpoises
Two guys were standing near the front of a department store, pacing back and forth. One turns to the other and says “Waiting on your wife?” The other says “Yeah, 30 minutes now.”
The first says “Hey, let’s help each other find them and that way we can get out of here. What’s your look like?”
The second guy says “Well, she’s 28, blonde, big lips, large breasts, tight little butt and she’s wearing a pink sweater. What’s your’s look like?”
Guy #1 says “Hell, forget my wife, let’s go look for yours!”
How many male chauvinist pigs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
FUCK HER! LET HER COOK IN THE DARK!
Q. How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. That’s not funny!
Q. How many passive-aggressives does it does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None. You go off and enjoy yourselves, I’ll just sit here in the dark.
danceswithcats, i love the priest/rabbi joke.
And while we’re on the subject of lightbulb jokes…
How does an American change a lightbulb?
Holds the bulbs and waits for the world to revolve around him.
I always thought this one scanned better on delivery when you call them
…SEDATE lions.
…but YMMV. And I’ve heard an amazingly long-winded shaggy-dog version of this that involves a man who thinks he’s the reincarnation of Noah. The action all takes place at a zoo.
There’s always the story of Quasimodo, who decided to retire from his position
as the bellringer at Notre Dame. He placed an ad in the Paris newspaper, but
the only person to respond was a bilateral amputee. When asked how he would
ring the bells, the applicant jumped out, caught the rope in his teeth and
proceeded to swing from rope to rope, ringing the bells. This kept on for a
minute or so, until he missed, fell head-first onto the largest bell, then
fell screaming to his death below.
Two nuns walking across the cathedral floor stopped and looked at the body.
One says, “Sister, have you ever seen this man before?” And the other says,
“No, but his face sure rings a bell.”
And the first says, “You’re right. The man’s a dead ringer for Quasimodo.”
(I like this joke because it’s a double-barreled pun. Let the groans from the
first line die down, and whammo - drill 'wm with the second line) 