Jokes that take time to sink in

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
101

Damn, clicked “submit” before adding…

What’s the difference between Cirque de Soleil and the Rockettes?
The first is a cunning array of stunts.

What’s the difference between a rooster and a lawyer?
In the morning the rooster clucks defiance.

What’s the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?
The Stones say, “Hey, you, get offa my cloud”

This was told, not as a joke in the classic sense, but it took me a while to get it. It was in an article I read on airplane safety.
An aeronautics engineer was asked (probably for the umpteenth time), “Why don’t you make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box?” The AE replied, “Because freeways are too narrow.”

True story: Whenever we go shopping and I round up the kids, they ask “Where are we going?” I reply, “We’re going to some.” By now they roll their eyes and just get in the car. The first time though, they puzzled over this and ask, “Uh, where?” And I say, “We have no time to go to them all.”

102

There are lots of these.

What’s the difference between two scheming pygmies and Ann Coulter & Anita Bryant jogging?
The first is a pair of cunning runts.

What’s the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a whore with diarrhea?
The first shucks between fits.

What’s the difference between a nun praying and a nun in the shower?
The first has hope in her soul.

Not like the above: what do you call a urinal in outer space?
An oh gee whiz.

103

It implies that the captain being sober is a notable event, and perhaps the ship is in good shape because the captai is sober. But the statements are technically true, and the captain already said “if it’s true it goes in the log book” so he can’t delete it.

104

I don’t get it

105

I don’t think that one works left hanging. Or maybe you have to do the Scotsman’s part instead.

It’s

[spoiler] Hey! Mccloud! Get offa my ewe.

It’s a sheep fucking joke. (Sorry, should have waited for Hal to come explain it)[/spoiler]

106

Yup. This is only funny when actually done. The pointer usually has to wait a minute until the pointee gets it, feels violated, then laughs. Plus, it’s fun to blatently violate all of the “men’s room rules” in one go. Oh, yeah, the two guys involved have to have the maturity level of a 13 year old. (IOW, my maturity level :smiley: )

107

The one that took me a few minutes was:

Q: What’s grey and comes in quarts?
A: Elephants.

108

I hate to admit it, but I don’t get it. ( I hope it’s dirty … )

109

I’m guessing the AE said runways, not freeways. I think this would have something to do with the density of the black box material being so much higher that it would require higher lift, therefore longer wings so the planes would need larger runways. It’s probably a joke only an engineer would get.

Sorry, not dirty.

110

Sorry, no. Airplanes need to be made of lightweight materials in order to get off the ground. If you made an airplane from the same material, and as strongly constructed, as a black box, it wouldn’t get off the ground and would have to roll wherever it was going.

111

That’s right, the AE said “freeways” because…

an airplane made of black-box material would be too heavy to fly, therefore could only get you there the way a car would, on the freeways

betenoir: You’re right. It works best only if completed. I shoulda. I didn’t because it broke symmetry with the two before it. Also, by completing it, it becomes an instant get.

112

…the instant get being the Scotsman joke, of course, not the freeway.

113

:smack:

For us slow folks, he could have finished with:

Because freeways are too narrow for a bus with wings.

114

Okay, this one has to be said out loud for maximum effect, and perhaps practiced a few times since it tends to be a bit of tongue twister…

On a hot day in August in British Columbia, a grizzly bear is romping near the outskirts of a small hamlet community and decides to pop into the local saloon for a drink. He lumbers through the door, and at that time of day the only two people there are the bartender and a boozy chain-smoking floozy.

Bear: I’ll have a draft beer please.

Bartender: I’m sorry, we can serve you.

(snickers from the floozy.)

Bear: Why not?

Bartender: Well, y’see, B.C. By-laws Ban Bears from Buying Beers in Bars.

Floozy: Aheh heh heh, y’stupid bear!

Bear: Gimme a break pal, it’s feels like it’s 90 degrees celsius outside, and I got this fur coat I can’t take off. Can’t you cut me some slack?

Bartender: Look, I feel for you, but B.C. By-laws Ban Bears from Buying Beers in Bars, end of story.

Floozy: Ahahahah, dumb bear!

At this point, the frustrated & overheated bear loses his temper and violently assaults the floozy. He messily rends her limb from limb and devours her in her entirety.

Bear: Wow, after that meal I really need a drink. How about it buddy?

Bartender: I’m not going to tell you again - B.C. By-laws Ban Bears from Buying Beers in Bars, and to top it off, now you’re on drugs.

Bear: Are you nuts? I’m a BEAR! I don’t take drugs.

Bartender: Oh yeah? What about that Bar Bitch You Ate???

115

Insecure Guy: Will I be the first guy who ever slept with you?

She, after a moment: If you do that, yeah…

Insecure Guy: So, umm, how many guys have you had sex with, before me?

She: …(scowls)…

Guy (after a moment): Uh, …

She: Aww, now I have to start over!

116

Variations…

As I first heard the “statue” joke, the immigrant homeowner wanted his house filled with “halo statues”. The decorator thought he wanted lots of statues of saints. No…“halo. Statue?” (hello…is that you?) I think this works better.

Nuns on bicycles…1st nun: I’ve never come this way before. 2nd nun: It’s the cobblestones.

Best joke so far: the plane crash in the cemetery. That one made me LOL.

117

This one REALLY needs to be told out loud.

The three brothers had at last been given the ranch by their father, who was growing too old to run it. So they built a new barn, ran wire around additional pasture land, and installed a state-of-the-art holding pen for the cattle to fatten them for slaughter.

With all these changes, they decided the ranch needed a new name. So they asked their father for advice.

He thought about it all day, and finally told them, “You should call it Focus.”

“Focus?!” they said. “What kind of name is Focus?”

“Simple,” he answered. “It’s where the sun’s rays meet.”

Like I said, it needs to be told aloud. Lots of folks don’t get it ever.

Daniel

118

Why is a walrus like Tupperware?

They both like a tight seal.

119

That reminds me of the old saw:

Why do cowboys have brown mustaches?

Cause they’re <cue music> Lookin for love in all the wrong places

120

Kinda like:
How is a perverted eskimo like the space shuttle, Challenger?

They both blew a seal…