Forgive me. I know this is so self-indulgent and I really am trying to just… get a better attitude and deal with it and move on. And irl, in person, I’m somewhat more successful at trying to put on an optimistic face. But I’m so, so low tonight and really have nobody to talk to.
We’re going on four months now since my brain glitched out. In the beginning, I kept scheduling things for a week out thinking I had to be better by then. There was snow on the ground when this started. Four months.
They’ve replaced me at work. I still get to do some of the media, so I still have… half a job. I understand. Of course they had to. But that job really means a lot to me and I had kind of been working on the idea that I might be back at it any day now, but…
And it feels like the universe is telling me, bit by bit, that I’m not needed anymore. In ways that will sound really absurd if I list them out but… there are just so many little things that seemed like, six months ago, they couldn’t keep on without me… or at least that I made things easier or better in some way. I was wall-to-wall in demand. But now, I mean… it feels like if I disappeared, it would barely register. I’m not usually big on superstition or signs from the cosmos, but it just feels like every little thing is pointing that way.
I don’t even know who I am anymore. Like all the good parts are gone. Like it’s not enough that I can’t do anything I even sort of enjoyed anymore… I can’t even be what I always tried to be. The parts of myself I liked and worked hard on are just disintegrating. How can I be reliable, generous, and hardworking? How can I be solidly competent and always willing to lend a hand? I have barely enough strength and energy to get out of bed, much less go the extra mile.
And all the little practical things feel like they’re crumbling around my ears. My house is such a disaster at this point. My car, too. Everything is just slipping out of control little by little with the occasional big jump any time I feel like I might begin to catch up.
So I guess that’s it. A huge part of my identity and practically everything I felt that I could control about myself and make good and productive and useful is just gone. I’m just gone. I am not, at this point, adding anything positive at all to anyone’s life. Nor does it seem like that’s likely to change in the near future.
I got my handicap parking hang tags this week, too. Temporary, but they expire just before Christmas. God, I thought for sure I’d be back on my feet in like… two, three weeks max. I know this in no way actually means I won’t be better before Christmas, but it no longer seems like a given. I don’t understand how anyone lives like this permanently. Hats off to them- they must be stronger people than I.