I tell this story every so often and people find it funny. I am posting this to see if it is in the telling or the story itself. Just as an aside, I will spoil the story Douglass Adams style, no one dies in this story except maybe a bowl of flowers and a blue whale.
Several years ago my brother took a part time job delivering pizza for a well known pizza chain. He didn’t need the money. He was working full time as a union electrician. I think he took the job so he could spend less time at home and more time with his truck. Home life for him wasn’t good—marriage problems, truck was good—big ass lifted Dodge Ram truck.
So he delivered pizzas for this pizza chain nearby where he lived. He lived in a sedate neighborhood located close to one of the most violent neighborhoods in South Norfolk, Virginia. If you have ever spent any time in South Norfolk you know the neighborhood of which I speak.
Fast forward to the night of the incident. There was part of this violent part of town that was in a cul-de-sac. A young man who lived in this cul-de-sac had turned 18 that very day. As an eight-teen year old he was allowed to own a .22 handgun. So, that is what he got for his birthday. He being a savvy man of the streets, he felt that a .22 was not powerful enough for his liking. So this young man begged and pleaded with his brother to borrow the older brother’s 9mm handgun. Older brother finally relented and handed over the handgun.
Kids will be kids and a weapon in the hands of certain people in this type of environment must be put to use, good, bad or indifferent. So the young man who hours before had reached the age of majority decided the best way to employ such a firearm would be to rob the pizza guy. (Really, it happened quite often in this neighborhood and was a cost of doing business here.)
So, an order for a pizza was placed and the 18 year old, his girlfriend, and a juvenile friend take their places at the entrance to the cul-de-sac. As they are waiting for the pizza man to arrive (they know it will be less than 30 minutes) they are planning the strategy. 18yo begins to talk about killing the pizza man. His girlfriend begs him not to. Juvenile friend also begins to think that may be a bad idea. At this point my brother makes the turn into the neighborhood. 18 yo lifts the handgun. My brother later said he saw a light over his right shoulder. He turned to look at the light. The bullet hit him in the nose, traveled around and exited under his right eye. The doctor told him later that if he didn’t look at the light, it would have hit his temple and may have killed him.
Ok, that is the tragic part of the story that must be told to get to the good parts. Again, I assure you that no one dies in this story.
Blood is running down BroSchwartz’s face as he throws the truck in reverse. Shock, perspiration, and blood in his field of vision have made it difficult for him to drive. He exits the truck and begins running down the road. People generally don’t want to stop for a bleeding, waving man running down the middle of the road. Finally, a man in a jeep stops and picks him up. The man wants to take him to the hospital about two miles up the road. The pizza chain store is about a mile up the road in another direction. Argument ensues as BroSchwartz is pouring blood over this man’s Jeep. Good Samaritan decides he will do whatever it takes to get bleeding man out of his vehicle. Good Samaritan takes BroSchwartz to the pizza chain.
Pizza Chain Mgr sees one of his drivers getting out of a jeep with his face covered in blood. PCM calls 911. Ambulance arrives and takes BroSchwartz to the same hospital that he had previously refused. He is admitted and taken to ICU.
Later that evening, a woman presents herself at the hospital asking to visit with BroSchwartz. She is told only family can be admitted at this time. The woman states she is BroSchwartz’s girlfriend and has to see him. (She worked at the pizza place and was his girlfriend) The nurse on duty tells her she can go in.
Later, a woman arrives and says she has to see BroSchwartz, she is also told that only family is allowed to visit. This woman states she is BroSchwartz’s wife and even has ID to prove it. Nurse begins thinking that this man has been shot once tonight and doesn’t need to be shot again. She says that there is already one person back there and could she wait one moment. Nurse asks GF if she could leave as his wife was there. GF stated that if it was his wife that was fine. (BroSchwartz had been cheating on his wife for two years and he and the wife were in the process of divorce, but nurse did not know that).
On retrospect, this is probably not funny in text, but I would appreciate your comments. At this point, the only reason I post it is because I was 500 words into it before I realized it is the telling that makes it funny.
SSG Schwartz