I decided to put a stop to a fifteen year friendship of mine earlier in the week. As I’ve regained (and gained more) confidence this year…I realized that the friendship we had was unhealthy, and was unhealthy for a longtime. We each were responsible for our 50% of the breakdown. For a long while he had talked over me, down to me, and had become possessive over me. We were going to go on a big trip to South America…but as the trip loomed closer and I became more anxious…I realized it was him not the trip that was making me cautious. He has been drinking more ever since his engagement broke up, and he told me about wanting to experiment with some kind of hallucinogen while we were down there. I feel I have been making really good choices this year, and he has been taking a different road. Also when comparing him to the rest of my friends…he stuck out as the one I felt anxious about talking to and visiting with. I know he has had a hard year, and I’ve been listening to him for months and trying to be supportive…but I just didn’t think he was healthy anymore for me. We depended on each other as an abuser, and abusee. I think the clinical term is codependency. I asked him for just a “break” in the friendship…but that didn’t go well (not that I expected any less), so I only assume I will never talk to him again. I accepted this though before I made my decision.
After our fight, I made sure to take three days to write, reflect, consult, and research what codependency means before taking an action. Now that about five days have passed…I really feel I made the right choice. We both have lost out in terms of finances, and I now know what it is like to remove someone from my life. Some feelings of grief and guilt…but they are passing. My job now is to make sure I don’t let any of my other friendships turn into what this one became.
Congratulations! Sounds like you absolutely did the right thing. It’s critical that we assess our friendships as much as any other relationship, and if they are not healthy, let go of them. Good luck with your healing process. I promise you’ll get over it and feel much, much better.
I’ve had a friend for more than 20 years now who has some mental issues. Ordinarily I enjoy his company and we have a lot of shared interests. From time to time, though, he can become hypercritical, purposefully provocative (eps. on political issues) and douchey, and I consider breaking off the relationship (twice I came >thisclose< to it). But each time we’ve been able to talk things through and get back on track. He doesn’t have many other friends, and has pushed a lot of people away over the years, but our friendship still seems worth the effort to me.
It sounds like you had to make a tough decision but it was for the best. I think I’ve read somewhere that the average friendship only lasts 5-7 years anyways. Not sure how much truth there is to that. IME, I’ve had lifelong friendships, some that were on and off for a period of years, and others that I broke outright.
For the ones that I broke off, let’s just say I don’t miss them one bit.
Just wish I had realized it sooner…I thought he was helping me all this time, and while I think in his mind he was trying to…I realized he was trying to “fix” me. Jesus I’ve learned a lot this year.
Nine in the fifth place means:
Perseverance brings good fortune.
Remorse vanishes.
Nothing that does not further.
No beginning, but an end.
Before the change, three days.
After the change, three days.
Good fortune.
Congratulations, you made a most wise decision. The best option isn’t always the easiest. But it usually ends up being the most rewarding. It sounds like you’re already realizing the rewards.