I have no idea why you feel the need to justify your decision not to give a gift when your child was born. Nobody here is saying you must give a gift, just that it’s absurd to criticize people who do.
Oh, horseshit. Anybody who expects a lavish gift for any occasion is a fucking dolt, in this situation or any other. If I want to let my wife know that I appreciate the fact that she sat through 4 weddings & countless parties sober, threw up a lot, was in general discomfort for 9 months, then suffered through a rather intensive surgical procedure without bitching about it at all, then I’ll damn well give her a present.
If you can’t understand that at all, and think it’s appropriate to call that “paying off a woman”, then have at it. Every situation doesn’t need to be analyzed to death, though. You’re just trying to justify your knee-jerk reaction.
That sounds reasonable until you realize that almost all new parents have limited resources in terms of time, money, and attention that really shouldn’t be squandered on something frivolous. Let’s face it, a lot of these presents are going on a credit card when you need that type of spending least. The focus really should be on the new baby first and foremost. The mother is a big part of that but not as an individual consumer of material possessions.
The focus should be a DeBaby, not DeBeers.
How people spend money is their own business. Nobody here is saying you must go out a buy a present for your wife, much less an expensive one. I’m just saying that comparisons to stud fees and the like are fucking dumb.
The fact that you think giving a gift necessarily shifts the focus away from the baby is laughable, at best.
But people don’t say that about birthdays. They are saying that this present is to say “Thanks for having a baby.”
It’s just odd because you should only have a baby if you both want it. If it was a case of someone being a surrogate or donating eggs, and after you get the baby, in addition to paying all the costs, you send her on an all expenses paid two week vacation, that would make sense. But why would a parent give another parent a gift?
It just kind of puts me in mind of a time when a woman really wouldn’t want to have a kid but would have no choice because it’s what was done. Like Henry VIII giving his mistress a huge gift for giving him a son.
Calling it a “Push Present” (with capital letters, even!) makes it sound like another tentacle of the crass consumerism/Hallmark holiday phenomenon.
I have no objection to people giving thoughtful gifts to people they care about (in fact, I think it would be lovely if more people were inclined to do that). But I think “just because I thought of you” is a lot more meaningful than “I have to get a gift to mark the occasion.” Particularly since there are so many random, invented-by-the-marketing-department “occasions” these days. An obligation is the polar opposite of a gift.
Also, $300 is more than a month’s worth of food to me. I can’t imagine justifying spending that much on a bauble when we’ve got diapers to buy.
Right. Because it’s a stupid thing to say.
That’s an oversimplification, at best. Most people don’t really provide a reason when they give a gift. They say “Happy Birthday!”, or “Merry Christmas”, or “I have something I’d like to give you when we get home from the hospital”.
I’m sorry, but what does this have to do with anything? I give my wife a gift, so suddenly one of us doesn’t want a baby? What the hell are you talking about?
You keep using the term “making sense”. This isn’t a exercise in total logic. No gift giving occasion is. I’ve explained the reasons I gave my wife a gift.
That’s great. Think of whatever you want. Just know it has nothing to do with the reality of the situation for my wife and I.
My husband got me a Netbook. I expected nothing and thought it was kinda silly, except for the fact that it was a very useful gift.
I’m sure I don’t know what your monthly grocery budget has to do with my husband’s and my ability to buy diapers, but I assure you, it will not be an issue.
With that in mind, as I said up thread, buying anything if it’s going to put you in the poor house is dumb.
It is nice to know that because my husband has purchased me a small gift that we can easily afford, to perk me up after being sick, vomiting daily for 9 months (well, 7 so far), taking 3 different breathing medications a day 'cus I’m one of the lucky one’s who’s allergic to pregnancy, means that I’m a selfish, bad mother who didn’t want my son.
Good that I have the SDMB to clear these things up for me. :rolleyes:
I’ve never even heard of it before. IME the new mother is often given flowers and stuff by family and friends, but that’s it.
The amethyst bracelet, the roses and the flowers for the adoptive Mom sound like lovely thoughtful gestures.
I didn’t see anyone saying you were any of those things. It would be a bit odd to expect a really big present, rather than appreciate a thoughtful gift like the ones in this thread, but that’s not what you’re doing.
Though bear in mind that, to many people, a $300 gift isn’t small; I guess a few people wouldn’t see a £10,000 necklace as a big present either.
While I think that the baby should be present enough, I still see nothing wrong with the father giving the mother something small and thoughtful, or doing something special for her like having the house all clean and the fridge full of food when she and baby get home from the hospital, so no one has to worry about cooking and cleaning for the next few days. When I gave birth to the Princess (OK, actually had a C-section), my ex stayed with me the whole time, and in the afternoon of the day she was born (Monday), once everyone had left and she and I were settled in my room, he ran out to the Hallmark near the hospital and bought me a porcelain baby bear figurine with the words “Monday’s child is fair of face” on it. He also snuck me a bag of Doritos the next day, when I complained of hunger because I wasn’t allowed solid foods yet. I don’t know if this counts as a “push present,” since it seems like so little, but we had little money at the time, and I appreciated it just as much as if he had dropped a couple grand on diamond earrings for me.
Even though I’ve never heard of this, I assume the gift isn’t as a reward for providing the father with a child, but a reward for having to deal with the pain of giving birth.
Of course. One of the advantages of having my first as an old lady (I’m 37) is that hubby and I have a bit more disposable income than a couple having their first at 21. (The disadvantages include an increased risk for just about everything including pre-eclampsia, gestational diabetes, downs syndrome, and also the fact that my body is going to be much sl-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-wer to recover than a 20 year olds might.)
Some of the smaller gifts mentioned sound great - flowers would be lovely, the jewelry items with the baby’s birth stone are cool. Having the whole house clean would probably be awesome for some gals, but hubby actually does pretty well all the house cleaning anyway, as well as the laundry, dishes, and car repairs. Why yes, I’m am INSANELY lucky to have met him. 
I really shouldn’t be surprised by the amount of righteous indignation expressed by some of the posters - this IS the SDMB.
Alice_in_wonderland I know you posed the original question as an innocent one but this is the SDMB. You have to know what you are getting into when you jump down the rabbit hole. Any reasonable person would say that any present you and your husband could agree on and afford to make yourselves happier on this occasion is a great idea but that isn’t the way things work especially when children are involved and that is no fun.
I am a fairly conservative white male but the name of the made up occasion called a “push present” did bring out my inner radical feminist college professor side that I didn’t even know I had until now. After all of this, we still haven’t gotten to the implications of an equivalent ritual in the middle castes of arranged marriages in India and I am shocked that no one mentioned rape culture yet because that has to apply somewhere.
This is all very practical training though. You don’t know how to be a parent and will never be qualified for this position no matter how hard you try and lots of people will let you know that in ways both large and small over the next few years. Do you know how to feed or take care of a newborn? Booonnnggg. Wrong answer.
The internet can help with survival tips from superstar parents like the La Leche League who can teach you exactly how to feed a newborn from your own breast with long-term benefits to the child. It is great just like asking PETA volunteers for advice on how to care for your dog and they do it for free. Modern science is an amazing thing. It is a wonder any child made it past one month old before the 1970’s. There are allied groups that pick off for similar advice where the last one left off and it extends through elementary school and beyond although I haven’t hit the limit yet with my own daughter who is only 7.
Congratulations on your first child. It will be great and I know you will be a great mother. The reason that some parents get thrown off by this type of question is that the experience is so overwhelming that the thought of a material gift of value seems bizarre and trivial after you have gone through it yourself. I think you will understand when it is done.
If anyone else gives you unsolicited advice about child birth and parenting, tell them to do the same thing as you did to end up in this situation in the first place.
People are nuts, Alice. Just enjoy the baby, and the handbag, and don’t worry about it.
I was going to go with Steak & Kidney Pie to eat and Duct Tape to keep him in line. Is that wrong?
(BTW - thanks for the nice thoughts. You too NinetyWt)
Nothing at all, and I never said it did. I’m saying that those kind of spending habits fall well outside my personal value system. As I said, I think random, thoughtful gifts are lovely, and if my partner decided to give me flowers “just because” I’d be delighted. If s/he decided to spend several hundred dollars on a trinket, I’d get very angry. I do not spend hundreds of dollars on frivolous luxury items when there are expensive necessary items I have put off buying for years because I don’t have the money. It’s a ridiculous waste; and would be even moreso if I were anticipating a sudden jump in monthly expenses, like, say, after having a baby.
You, of course, can spend your money however you want. I speak for myself, not for you (you may have noticed the I-referencing in both of my posts).
Well, this post has left me mystified, again.
If $300 on a frivolous luxury item is going to make you lose your blob, I hope your SO doesn’t buy you $300 luxury items.
However, the only reason I can find for your post is for you to tisk-tisk, and look down your nose at me in some sort of reverse snobbery because you think the gift my husband got me is a ridiculous waste.
So, with that aside - do you actually have a child that you received a gift after giving birth to or adopting? Or did you just want to post here to criticize me?
You asked how people felt about “Push Presents.” I answered and explained why I felt that way. I’m not sure what else you think there is to “get.”
It’s the idea that this kind of present has a name, and a formalized expectation. And also that the name is kind of tacky.
I got my husband a little something after a semester when I took a couple of courses and went to school straight from work, four hours a night four days a week, plus of course I had to study a bit. Is there a name for that present? I hope not.
Sure, babies are a lot more common. Really I’m not opposed to the husband or anyone else giving something to the new mom, particularly since most of them are going to get even more gifts for the baby and it’s not like the baby can appreciate them. Something just for the mom is perfectly appropriate.