“…call volumes are unusually low, so we’re connecting your call immediately.”
Or at least tell the truth. “We are experiencing our typical call volume so therefore are swamped. You’ll be on hold for another 1/2 hour.”
How about the fact that every phone system is constantly changing their menu options. “Please listen carefully as our options have recently changed.” There must be an entire army of workers who do nothing but change menu options all day.
How about:
“Your call is important to us—but not as important as the CEO’s salary, so you’re just going to wait.”
“We’re changing our product. It’s not an improvement, it is in fact unambiguously worse than our previous product, but the demands of the market mean we have to make this change.”
…we are sorry, but we’ve overstated your state and federal taxes for the last twenty years. The check enclosed in the amount of $152,000 represents past monies owed you plus interest.
“our call volumes aren’t too bad but we have only one person taking calls, so sucks to be you!”
oh yeah…
works for me!
So true!
Uninterrupted hold music.
Not what they typically do, which is give you hold music, then interrupt it with a ring & a (recorded) human voice stating that, “your call is important to us, please continue to hold” teasing you to think, for a split second that you’re actually thru the queue & now going to get to speak to a live person.
Sometimes they do this often enough that I think they want you to tune out the voice so that when you do get a real person you just continue to sit there playing solitaire on the computer. :smack:
'you’re absolutely right, this is covered by your plan and we will make sure all of the claims are paid immediately"
Welcome to the 10 o’clock news. This evening the President announced some bullshit statistics purporting to show the economy is improving. The Speaker of the House announced another tired excuse to explain why no legislation will be passed this session, Finally, another telecomm corporation announced plans to merge, cut services and raise rates.
We’ve decided the rest of the so-called news isn’t worth the next half hour of your time.
The weather’s rather nice. Why don’t you go out for a walk?
Good night.
Once upon a time, Novell had a “hold jockey” who would spin the tunes, and every so often give a traffic report on the number of people waiting in the various queues. If you were in, say, the GroupWise queue and he said there was only one waiting, you knew you were up next.
It was great, but cost too much, so they phased it out.
“Press any button you like, you will never be connected to a live person.”
These calls are recorded for training purposes, and in case we need evidence to defend ourselves in the eventual lawsuit.
I’ve actually enjoyed the hold music on occasion, and wished the representative had not picked up in the middle of a song I liked.
I also hate the “callback option”.
If you are fluent in Spanish, always take the Spanish option. You almost never have a wait. (I have a friend who is a Spanish translator, and she said this works every time).
Yeah but psych studies showed that lots of people assumed at a certain point that they had been forgotten and hung up. That’s why they introduced the “Your call is important to us” stuff.
Then design the hold music to fit in the time allotted and have it end with someone saying the call is important.
As for my entry to the thread: “We know you’ve already tried turning it off and restarting, so we won’t make you do it again.”
QFT
The one time I recently needed to talk to an actual human to book a flight in Latin American (Copa Airlines) I called their Spanish language customer service line and got right through. Couldn’t do the usual internet booking on Travelcity for that flight to/from Havana and couldn’t find the flight I wanted on the Copa website.
“Even if you know what button to push, our system will not allow you to press it until we go through the entire menu slowly.”
All representatives are busy now, please leave your name and number and someone will return your call as soon as possible… Or not… Probably not… Yeah, most definately not.
Dopers who hate waiting on hold, let technology solve your problems.
FastCustomer (iOS and Android versions available) lets you select a business, and it will call and wait on hold for you. It’ll ring your phone when a human actually picks up.
GetHuman.com will give you direct numbers to actually talk to a person, although you may still have to wait on hold.
You’re welcome.