Please Hold. Your Call Is Very Important To Us

If you speak English, press 1.

Thank you.

Our menu has recently changed. Please listen to all your options before pressing a number or this call will disconnect.

If you would like information about our unimportant new offers, press 1.

If you would like to learn more about liver spots, press 2.

If you would like to hear our legal jargon regarding the status of the class action lawsuit, press 3.

If you would like to know the temperature in Santiago, Chile, press 4.

If you would like to speak to a customer representative, please stay on the line and someone will be with you shortly.

I’m sorry, but due to an unexpected high volume of calls, all of our agents are helping other customers right now.

Please hold, your call is very important to us.

Did you know that you can go to our website wwwrottenservicedotcom and not find the information you are tying to get?

We pride ourselves with offering quick and reliable service to our customers.

The current wait time is estimated to be 4 hours and 11 minutes.

Please hold, your call is very important to us.

incredibly annoying Muzak from Hell: ¯ ¯ ¯ ¯ ¯ ¯…

In order to assist you better, we ask that you have your account number, driver’s license, and the blood types of every relative on your mother’s paternal side available.

Please hold, your call is very important to us.

Would you like to try our new voice recognition system? It’s fast, it’s easy, and it’s completely pointless!

OK, please state the reason you are calling.

doop-doop-de-deep OK, I think you said “What’s a myth orifice” is that correct?

I’m sorry, let’s try again.

doop-doop-de-deep OK, I think you said you wanted to speak with a red preservative. Is that correct?

I’m sorry, let’s try again.

doop-doop-de-deep OK, I think you said “You muddy trucking mass pole, let me cheek with a gob ram cud summer per fish shucking rapper mucking sedative. Is that correct?”

Great! I’ll put you through to a customer service representative. Please wait.

To hear a duck quack, press nine.

OK, this absolutely had me laughing aloud! I love it! :smiley: :smiley: :smiley: :smiley: :smiley:

To hear a duck’s quack echo, press 10.

Years ago one of those internet alerts reported that if you dialed a certain number you got (an insurance company or something). You got to their phone tree and at one point, it said ‘To hear a duck quack, press 9.’

If you did, you heard the duck and then it hung up on you.

I was in the US at the time, and it worked.

I work in a doctor’s office and until this past July 1st I was having to deal with this everyday. Our office is not contracted with any ins co so I *had * to speak to a human to get the actual status of the patient’s out of network deductible. The recording was never correct. The system is not set up for that at all. Since I now no longer have to do this I am a happier person.

My question about health insurance if they do not pay anything until after you have shelled out $1000 to $5000 of your money if you go out of network & they downgrade the service codes when you stay innetwork, where is all this money they say they are paying out? The doctors are not getting paid–I KNOW. The stockholders, the brass, the non-exsistant customer service reps? Where is the money going? The premiums are going up but the payouts are not.

No, you’re right, as someone else who has to call insurance companies for a living from a doctor’s office, actually getting to a person is next to impossible at some of them, mostly those that are blue colored. :wink:

And yes, the money goes to the top brass & the shareholders, not the patients & NOT the doctors. Premiums increase, payouts decrease - no WONDER they turn a profit. Oh, and as a general rule, it’s not going to the CSRs, either. Pay scale at most call centers sucks, and they’re not spending it on training those CSRs, either - when they’re not outsourcing to India or Jamaica.

(Oh, and technically they’re not downcoding the in-network docs, they’re just paying an “adjusted” fee schedule. Still all the same codes, they just pay less when you have the “privilege” of being contracted with them.)


This call may be monitored for “quality assurance” purposes…

Ah, takes me back to registering for freshman college classes by phone:

Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring…

[insert 3 hours of waiting for the phone to answer]

Ring… Ring… Ring.

Welcome to “CaroLine”, automated registration system. Please enter your Student ID, followed by the pound sign.

xxx-xx-xxxx #

Your last name is spelled L… A… S… T… Nclick

::Dial tone::

Please enter your 32-digit account number NOW, using your touchtone phone.


The number you just entered is

THREE     FIVE     NINE     ZERO     ZERO     SEVEN     FOUR     FIVE     TWO     ONE     ONE     FOUR     SEVEN     FIVE     NINE     ZERO     THREE     FIVE     ONE     FOUR     FIVE     EIGHT     FOUR     EIGHT     SEVEN     FOUR     SIX     NINE     FIVE     FOUR     EIGHT     NINE 

is that correct?

Now please say out loud, for the benefit of anyone within hearing range at your gosspy office, the reason for this call. Please say “How much do I owe”, “I’m broke and I need alternative payment arrangements”, or “Sex line charges appear on my card”, NOW.

{17 minutes of inappropriate choices to choose from, blindly groping thru the phone-tree hierarchy}

…You have indicated you wish to speak with a live customer service representative, please hold

{wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait}

Hello, this is Sam, please tell me out loud the account number you entered via touchtone key into the useless machine earlier, so people around you can copy it down.

Thanks for calling Domino’s - can you hold?


annoying muzak

begin chipper voice

Even though the fact that you’re already calling us means you probably know what you want, I’d like to read you off every single item and special we have ever offered on our menu! In an obnoxiously chipper voice! A lot of people are ordering pizza at 11:30 tonight, so this may be a while!

Did you know that Domino’s Pizza offers three great, delicious styles of crust? Deep dish, hand-tossed, and thin? Try them all!

Did you know that all Domino’s pizza has cheese on it?

Did you know that, for a limited time only, you can get a super-four-pack of drinks with your order? If you’re all thirsty but can’t decide on what to drink, and want to wait forty-five minutes for it to be delivered, you can get four individual twenty-ounce bottles of different soda!

Have you decided what you want to order? Are you sure? Would you like to try some of our side dishes?

How about a specialty pizza?

Hello. You have reched ___ __ Shipping. Your call is important to us.

To get information on how to ship packages press one.

To find out locations we ship to in your area press to.

For information on using us for business purposes press three.

If you want anything else please insert this phone into your anus, as will do about as much good as anything else.

I’m sorry I didn’t undertand your response.

To get infromatio[click]

Obligitory link:

This thread literally has me laughing out loud, fantastic!

Oh, and I’m not sure about other places, but for the major corporation I work for you can just press * when you get the menu and it takes you right to a person. It looks like it’s worth a shot to try it wherever you call… :slight_smile:

Yes, it used to have that power–now when I press * I get, “Thank you for calling. Good bye.[click]” :mad:

They have hired those lovely little ladies in India whose accents are too thick to slice with a knife and have no idea how to help me or the Super-Saharan Africans whose accent is too thick and are so polite as it developes that he cannot actually help me either. :confused:

Feh! I am glad that these people are gainfully employed but I cannot understand their speaking and they are ill-informed/clueless. At least when CS was stateside you could mostly understand what was said. Weren’t necessarily helped. :rolleyes:

Try hitting 0 rather than *. That’s my “default” if it’s not immediately obvious how to get a living, breathing, Homo Sapiens on the line, and usually works (assuming waiting for a half hour for said living, breathing, Homo Sapiens to answer constitutes “works”).

My conversations with a certain bank always go like this:

Please state your question. You may say “Pay my Bill” or (list of other things)

Me: akldhjasjfasd dafasdf sdaadasf!!!

I’m sorry, I couldn’t understand you. Let me get a representative on the phone.

sits by computer, twirls hair, fiddles thumbs, plays with pens, doodles, bends paperclips, puts up Post-It notes everywhere, makes folding paper cranes, stacks a house of cards, whistles, throws the chew toy for the dog, burps the alphabet, files fingernails


Your call is important to us. Please stand by…

uses inappropriate language for the board

Thank you for calling Megacorpconglomco Inc, to better irritate you our options have changed…

your estimated hold time is…fifteen…years
your call is important to us, well, actually it isn’t, but it sounds better than us saying “thank you for calling MCCGC, how may you annoy us today”

if you would like to hear our annoying specials that have no bearing on your call, press 1
if you would like to hear an automated list of common solutions that won’t fix your problem, press 2
if you want to speak to a representative, good luck
if you would like to smash your phone in frustration, press 3
if you already have done so and wish to schedule a service repair call, press 4
if phone trees are giving you multiple personality disorder, please press 5,6,7,and 8
if you think automated phone systems are evil incarnate, please press 666
if none of these solutions fix your problem, please press 9 to be disconnected while we pretend to connect you to an available customer “care” rep with an uninteligible accent and/or speech impedement

thank you for calling MCCGC and have an adequate day!