I pit telephone answering trees used by companies

The BBQ Pit
1

Hello! You have reached the “We Don’t Give A Shit About You And Will Prove It By Disconnecting You When You Are Actually Connected To a Live Person Company!” Please listen carefully because the following menu options have changed! (No they haven’t, they just want you to waste as much time as possible so you will hang up.) Si! Viacondiosandeleandelesoeedygonzaleztacobellchimichangachacotacotsmaitresquatrocincoochodipresso2. If you are still listening, and did not understand what was just said, please press the star key and go back to the top of the menu. If you did understand that, you should have pressed two, so you will have to go back to the start of the me u by hitting the star key NOW. if you didn’t understand that and speak English, please press 1.

Hello! Welcome! You have reached the “We Don’t Give A Shit About You And Will Prove It By Disconnecting You When You Are Actually Connected To a Live Person Company!” Please listen carefully because the following menu options have changed! Press 1 to place an order. Press 2 to order a catalogue, press 3 if you are looking for a part. Press 4 for technical assistance. Press 5 for returns by mail. Press 6 for exchanges by mail. Press 7 to speak to customer service based in panama, where the person who answers will speak in broken english with a Spanish accent, press 8 to speak to customer service based in the Philippines and you would prefer broken English with a Filipino accent, press 9 to speak to an underpaid black woman in any town USA who has a very bad attitude and will whisper all of her answers to you in an Ebonics accent. Press 0 to be connected to the first available customer service representative (CSR) regardless of country of origin.

Select (0) ->.<boop>. Welcome! You have reached the “We Don’t Give A Shit About You And Will Prove It By Disconnecting You When You Are Actually Connected To a Live Person Company!” Please listen carefully because the following menu options have changed! Please say or enter the order number that you are calling about. Press or say the number out loud. For example, if the number is 89748563748, press 89748563748 followed by the pound sign, or say “eight - nine - seven - four - eight - five - six - three - seven - four - eight- pound sign”. Oh, I didn’t quite catch that. Please try again! Hmm… Still didn’t catch that. Did you know that we can be found in-line? We have super friendly web site that you can find the answers to most of your questions online. So please go to your computer and type in company name/home.html. Once again, that’s company name/home.html

Ok. I think I have the order. Did you enter 89748563748? Press or say ONE. IF NOT, PRESS OR SAY TWO. <press 2 - Boop> now, please enter your first and last name, followed by your address, the credit card number you used to purchase your item, security code on the back of the credit card, your date of birth, billing address zip code daytime phone number where you can be reached if we are disconnected, and your social security number. Then press pound.

Thank you for entering all of that crap, Mr Stink Fish Pot. You will have to repeat it all again for the random CSR you will be connected to in approximately 99 minutes. If that is too long for you to wait, please leave a call back number where we can reach you within the next 48 hours, or else, go to our very friendly website and enter this nonsense again. Thank you… (Funky Muzak music) " did you know you can get everything you need right from the web? Please enter www.whyareypustillholding.com, and your problem will be solved right away. (Funky Muzak music) you are caller number one hundred and twenty seven. Your expected wait time is approximately 98 minutes. Did you know that this is one of the highest call volume times all week? If you would like to hang up and try your call again later, please do so. Otherwise, please stay on the line. (Funky Muzak music) did you know you can go to our friendly web page? Why are yours till listening to this, you idiot?

Thank you for waiting. You will now be connected: click…click…click… Dialtone…:smack: :mad: :smack::mad: FUTHERMUCKERS!!! If I could find the designer of that phone program, I would bury him ip to his neck, pour honey all over his head, and let the bears, ants and spiders at him.

2

I saw the title, and I was all set to complain how my power company’s customer assistance number actually takes you to their billing department by default.
Then I tried to read all that.

3

Bypass all that. Gethuman.com

4

The worst part is the way they constantly interrupt the hold music every couple of seconds so a robot can to tell me how important my call is to them. If it were just the music, being on hold would only be purgatory rather than pure hell.

5

I agree it sucks – what especially annoys me is when the automated system asks for your account information and then you finally get to a live person who asks you for the same information all over again.

But anyway, having a speakerphone works wonders for your stress levels in these situations.

6

I’m on the other end of one of those phone trees, and I agree, they suck royal moose cock. I’d much rather the customers be able to call be directly.

As for being asked for particular info you already entered, it is to make sure you put in the right number. A lot of people out there just put in random shit or the wrong number and don’t pay attention when its repeated.

7

Just having read the thread title, I guess Ents need employment in the modern world, but I can see how their slow way of speaking would be frustrating when you’re dealing with them.

8

The company isn’t on this IVR Cheatsheet?

9

In that case, why ask for it in the first place?

Or better yet, why not program the system to check and make sure that the account number is correct? For example, you could have the caller input their account number as well as their telephone number. If the account number is valid and the telephone number matches the account info, then you can be pretty sure the information is correct so there is no need to have the customer repeat the information.

10

Yes, I use those cheat sheets now and then. Another thing that’s annoying is when you hit the key to get a live person and the system tries to suck you back in to answering tree hell. e.g. “We will be happy to transfer you to a live operator, but first please choose from one of the following options!”

11

:smiley:

12

No, what’s really frustrating is when you finally get connected to a live person and that person is less able to understand and be helpful than the recording on the automated system.

link

13

Speaking for the “our menu has recently changed” companies. Yeah, our menu HAS changed and if you are one of the people that call three times per month and just press 2 thinking your going to get the department you want, that isn’t going to happen. Menu options change pretty regularly in many companies due to new services or phone system changes. We really aren’t trying to torture you.

14

And on this day, Stink Fish Pot created the bravest Pit thread of all time. Bravery level: So.

15

You call that torture? Iron Maidens are more friendly.

If you are one of the people that call three times per month, then you already know the menu has changed. Telling you after a year has passed is ridiculous.

If you are the ones that call infrequently, then you don’t need this prompt either because you don’t know what the menu is.

16

Yeah, I gotta say, some places never, ever take “Our menu has recently changed” off their message, which of course means it fades into the background and serves only to delay getting to the actual numbers. So it could be said to be counterproductive at best, if not actively hostile.

That is absolutely unequivocally the worst part – because an interruption in the hold music is, of course, what you are cued to listen for. You could fairly easily let the hold music run in the background on speakerphone and pick up when a human comes on the line, EXCEPT those stupid interruptions that cycle over and over. What sociopath thought those things up?

I realize that phone trees are moron filters, but they’re annoying when one has a more complicated question than the average FAQ covers, which pretty much requires a human to answer it.

17

I nominate the genius who came up with that site for sainthood, a Nobel Prize, etc.

I totally agree with all three of you on all of this.

18

I hate this, and I work in a call centre. I usually try to do warm transfers whenever possible to get clients to a live agent in the correct department.

Trust me it’s no fun being the live rep who has to confirm all this with the caller; & that’s assuming that the correct information came through in the first place.

19

I came home to a package that was not mine. So I call the brown truck people and get stuck in their phone tree. Several very frustrating minutes of “if the sky is blue, say ‘yes’… I’m sorry, I did not understand you. Please try again” I scream into the phone Fvck you!!!" I was immediately connected to a human being.

20

I would guess that in general these systems make life worse for the live reps – common sense says that they increase the percentage of callers who are frustrated and annoyed by the time they speak to a live person.