Voice menus are the work of SATAN

The BBQ Pit
1

My debit card is damaged, so I called up Wells Fargo to get a replacement. I got a cheery robot voice telling me what my options were. None of them were about debit cards. The cheery robot voice said I could say what I was looking for. I said “damaged debit card.” The cheery robot voice said “Sorry, I could not find that” and repeated the menu. I hung up.

I tried again, this time selecting the keypad option. Again, no option for debit cards. I selected Account information. Maybe that would have something. No, the cheery robot was back and pronounced EVERY. SINGLE. DIGIT. in my checking account and the last several deposits. I tried again and still got nowhere.

I looked up the number for the local branch and called them. The teller said “Let me transfer you to our 1-800 line.” I said “NONONONONO! DON’T YOU DARE SEND ME THERE! (My inner redneck really comes out when I’m flustered) I couldn’t get through the voice menu system and I want to talk to a live person.” She said all I had to do was keep pressing the 0 button until I got a live person. Nowhere do they say that on the website, and the cheery robot doesn’t tell you that either. I said “All right, I’ll try that, but if it don’t work, I’m calling you back!”

So I got transferred. The cheery robot voice was back and asked me for my account number. I pressed 0. The cheery robot voice said “0 (pause) is not a valid account number. Please try again.” I pressed 0 again. The cheery robot voice said “0 (pause) is not a valid account number. Please try again.” So I spammed 0 as much as possible out of frustration, but it worked. I finally got a live person and got the deed done.

But SATAN wasn’t finished with me yet. The teller said “I notice you use your debit card a lot. How would you like to make some extra money using your debit card?”

First of all, I realize my financial dealings aren’t private. Any transaction I make will somehow wind up as an advertisement for the thing I bought on Facebook and Gmail. I’ll become a marketing target, and that’s the nature of the beast. BUT I DON’T LIKE TO HEAR SOMEONE TELLING ME OUT LOUD THAT THEY’RE LOOKING AT MY TRANSACTIONS!

Second of all, when somebody I don’t know is telling me “How would you like to make some extra money,” I immediately become suspicious. If I make extra money from buying stuff, then the money has to come from somewhere, and I’m sure it will eventually be me. I said “How much money?” This obviously wasn’t in her script, so she told me “Oh, a pretty good amount” and how she could sign me up. I said just send me an email or something and I’ll think about it. She said she’d transfer me to whatever department takes care of that. I hung up. I just wanted a stupid new debit card. I don’t want to be hooked into more deals. Get thee behind me, Satan! Far, far behind me!

2

To get past stupid robots, if the list of responses doesn’t work for me I just say “I’d like to talk to an actual person about a problem I’m having with [blah]”. I know they’re recording this, so I speak clearly and respectfully so they know how many times I have to tell them the same thing before I get through to a real person; it’s usually three or four times, but rarely more than that.

3

This is an odd OP.

Did you just move to America from another country of something?

Of course voice activated automated systems suck. You just keep hitting zero and pound until a human answers. The only really tricky part is sometimes when it’s a secure system you actually can save time by entering your account number and/or password. But usually that’s a waste of time.

As to offers from the bank, just politely tell them you aren’t interested.

4

Bwahahahahahha

-Satan
But I have found that the nice thing about voice menus is that I usually just have to say “operator” over and over instead of pushing 0.

5

My favorite is that airlines have moved to voice menus. Way back in 2008, I got caught up in the American Airlines MD-80 shutdown and wound up being rebooked on Continental going through Houston (as opposed to DFW). Thing is, even with the rebook I still had to make various phone calls in the terminal trying to deal with both Continental and American. I could never make it through a whole voice menu without the stupid airport PA announcements coming on, being picked up by the cell phone, and driving the voice menu absolutely crazy.

6

Some of them also have profanity detectors. So in some cases it can actually help to yell profanity into the phone.

The dumbest thing about these automatic phone systems is when they hang up on you. Has anyone ever had a phone system hang up on them and been happy about it? I’d guess that the number is zero.

7

You want to work with SANTA?
[ul]
[li]To arrange an interview press 1[/li][li]For directions to the North Pole press 2[/li][li]If you wish to take part in a satisfaction survey press any button in any combination, it really doesn’t matter, we’re going to send you there anyway[/li][li]To speak to an Elf, press **2517 followed by the pound sign. Then press 0 and wait until you hear the dial tone. Goodbye.[/li][/ul]

8

Thank you for posting. Your post is important to us. Please remain online, and your post will be read by the next available operator. CUE UP THE ENDLESS SMOOTH JAZZ! Bwarr har har snork!

9

This has never in my life happened to me. Every time I bother to enter my account number (or whatever) into the automated system (presumably because I already tried mashing 0), the first thing I have to do when I talk to an actual person is tell them my account number.

It’s one of the more alienating and soul-crushing part of having to call customer service on the telephone.

10

Poorly designed voice menus suck, but how would you like to wait in a queue for 3-4 minutes only to get an operator ask you for your card #, ask you your issue and say “That’s not this department but I can connect you…”

Then you get to the next department and the operator asks you for your card #, ask you your issue and say “That’s not this department but I can connect you…”

…Repeat…

The problem is that each operator can only perform a few functions. At least the IVR can remember your card # and figure out the appropriate operator to send you to.

11

Hmmm… I looked and looked, and I just can’t find where I said I experienced this for the first time. Maybe you can point out where I did?

You remember what this forum is for, right? It’s for BITCH - ING.

12

“You’ve reached the San Angeles Police Department community hotline. If you’d prefer an automated response, press 1 now.”

(Very few movie lines have ever made me laugh so hard - especially as I was freshly out of the “intelligent telephony” industry.)

The systems have gotten better - better for callers in responsiveness and flexibility, and better for businesses in the endless tail-chasing circles of hell that can be constructed.

13

Interesting thread. Part of my job is designing, recording and maintaining the voice menu for my company’s (internal) HR service center. You can reach a live rep if you follow the menu but mashing zero won’t do it. That just repeats the menu.

14

‘You’ve reached the Suicide Hotline, your call is important to us. All of our operators are busy right now so remain on the line for the next available operator.’

15

Seriously? I’m pretty sure I’ve had to repeat my card number and identifying information to every real person I’ve ended up talking to after entering it for the automated system. That said, apparently BOA has one thing over other banks: its voice menus are a lot less terrible than the ones described in the OP. Terrible, but less so.

16

I’ve lost count of how many systems I’ve used that made me laboriously enter all kinds of info - card number, etc. - that did not appear to make it to a single human being I spoke with. I know how these systems work and can be made to work; there is absolutely no reason a single, coherent “case” can’t be passed from caller input to each agent and supervisor. None.

Just shitty programming and implementation. I used to write the user manuals for these systems and when I’m really drunk I weep at all the wasted effort.

17

Satan’s IVR, you say?
Thank you for calling the Hades Shuttle Service courtesy phone.

18

I work in a 9-1-1 center. Occasionally we get reports of a downed line in the road. It could be electrical but is almost always a telephone line.

In order to relay the information to the phone company we have to wade through voice menu hell, the same one everyone else has to navigate. The best fitting option from the menu is to select that we are reporting an outage. And then they want us to enter the phone number that is affected by the outage.

I have no idea. The person who was driving past and called in to report it has no idea what numbers are served by a particular phone line that is laying in the road. We have no f-ing idea what phone number is affected. There is a line down at the intersection of A Street and B Avenue. Get over there and fix it.

But the call center that we are eventually patched through to is in another country. And they want my name and phone number which they use to call back days later with their satisfaction survey about whether the repair was made in a timely manner.

The other utilities give our 9-1-1 center a not-for-public-release secret phone number to connect direct to a human. You know… for us to report emergencies. Broken water main, leaking gas line, or electrical line sparking in the road - not a problem to report. Not the phone company.

19

I just downloaded an Android app called “Fast Customer”. It has a large database of comanies (including Wells Fargo Customer Service. The premise is that you select the company and the app will call them, then rings your phone when the CS rep answers. Haven’t tried it, but the reviews look good.

20

Get Human.
It says “Press 1, then say “other options”, then press 0 twice”

California 511 is the worst. Because sometimes you call it while you are driving, and it seems to get interrupted by background noise, and also has annoying nested menus.

I know what people mean when they ask for your info multiple times. I think part of it is extra verification that you are who you say you are. But it’s still annoying.