“If you’d like to press 3, press 2 now.”
I think you mean “press 7”. I linked to it above. 
“To hear these options again, call back and listen to them again.”
“Hello, you have reached Hell. For fire and brimstone, press one. For weeping and wailing, press two. For gnashing of teeth, press three. To reach the dread prince of darkness, Beëlzebub himself, dial extension 666. To reach an operator, press zero.”
Presses Zero
“Please hold while I connect you to an operator. Your call is very important to us. Estimated waiting time: six and one half millennia.”
Bagpipes start playing in the background; Miley Cyrus and Justin Beiber start singing.
Try this:
Here’s the link for Wells Fargo:
…because my dogs always bark (they’re doxies – they bark – a lot) as soon as I get on the phone and trigger the responses. Hmm. Automated systems don’t speak dog.
I can confirm for all of you that not only does T-Mobile’s automated system actually not suck (it even flat out suggests, as a spoken option, “Speak to a representative”), but when you enter your phone number and last 4 digits of your social security number, the live person you end up with will have it, and in my case today, actually thanked me for entering the information beforehand so that they didn’t have to ask me for it.
So there is one company out there that’s doing it right.
Way WAY back, in the late 90’s, voice menus used to have an option, for those people who still had a rotary dial phone.
One such person was me. I once called a small publishing company, about one of their authors and the book he’d written, and got the funniest voice menu response I’ll ever hear.
After waiting for an operator, when given that option, a voice recording came on that said “What? You still don’t have a touch tone phone? The 21st century is just around the corner!” Then I got a human answering. I was still laughing!
According to an article in the Economist I read years ago, the problem is budgeting. While there are departments willing to pay for telephone menu programming, none are too interested in paying for data transmission between departments. That doesn’t fall under their purview.
Yes. Yes, they are.
grumbles about being asked by a CSR for information I’ve already typed into the f’ing phone
Yeah. Telephones always have kind of fallen between the stools - for the longest time they were Ma Bell or nothing, then the purview of specialized providers who did everything (Ma Bell style), and then came the “intelligent telephony” explosion when computers crossed into phone control. I was in that industry for its peak 5 years, and shortly after I got out, it imploded in several stages until all of the providers and systems ended up with two or three mega-players like Cisco.
IT departments tend to be tasked with implementation and maintenance, but IME most consider it a minor issue and a PITA and never do much beyond basic rollout (with a manufacturer or provider tech team doing most of the work) and fixing problems. Most of these systems have long been network-integrated, and the software and bridges to fully integrate call control, caller data and general info access are ->right<- ->there<-… but unused.
So yeah, it does come down to money. No one will allocate funds to either have in-house staff or hire consultants to get the most from their very expensive multi-site voice communication system… 'cuz it’s just the phones, you know, and those are obsolete.
I just don’t see the point. If you’re giving me a menu with fewer than 12 options, why is it better to go with voice? You’re just more likely to mess up and be more frustrating.
Thankfully, everything I use on any regular basis still has you press numbers. And, since you know the numbers by heart after a while, you can just press them and get going and get the call over with. I’ve yet to have that work with voice systems.
What I always hate is the line, “Listen carefully because our menu options have changed.”
Of course they have. But when? If it’s a menu I have to work my way through regularly, it’s rare that the options have actually changed since the last few times. It would be nice if they said, “We updated our menu options on [date],” so that if you’ve already wended your way through the menus since that date, you could just start pressing buttons, rather than waiting to hear the options.
It can sometimes also be internal company politics. I used to work for a company that ran call centers. The IT division was split three ways: hardware/networking, customer facing software and internal software. This organization started at the very top with a VP for each division, who all reported to the prez. It sounded good when they first hired me, but over time I started observing the politics that ensued. One of which was related to this very topic. A vendor tried to sell us on a pretty “360 degree communications” system that would automatically connect inbound and outbound calls together. For example, if the system sent a robot call to Joe T. Customer, left voicemail for him, and he called back two days later, the system would figure out to connect his inbound call to the previous outbound call so that the agent didn’t have to waste time asking what he was calling about.
We couldn’t even get to the point of asking the price for that. The VP’s just would not bend enough to attempt to work together.
I don’t have issues with voice menus. I did however crack up at my utility company when they updated theirs.
Clearly, their intent was to make the voice sound more human. You would ask it a question and the voice would say; “Hold on, let me look that up for you…”[ you would then hear the sound of fingers typing away at a keyboard] “Oh here it is…I found it for you…”
I think the whole keyboard simulation thing was just a tad bit silly.
OMG (not a nettism I use often or lightly) - I know. You gave me a flashback to probably the worst professional job I ever had. Four divisions, four VPs with equal power, a president/owner who spent his days cloistered in his dark office dealing with family and personal issues. As it was a company that made hardware controlled by proprietary software and manufactured a portion of its own goods, Hardware, Software and Manufacturing each thought they “were the real company” and Finance thought all three were its groveling minions.
Only job where (1) I thought Dilbert would run screaming and (2) I quit by staring at my desk for a full hour, swept my stuff into a box and walked out.
Hmmm, I thought you were banned. 
I used to get really annoyed when my mobile (cell) provider did this then I figured that the first time I type my number in it’s to check that I am, in fact, calling the right provider. Dunno if that’s true but it’s better for my blood pressure 