Kansas City DopeFest! (And orgy). W/O the orgy.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
101

…and speaking of Princess Points…

It’s me, Insta-Princess, checking in to say that I make it a pretty hard-and-fast rule to drive myself to social events and whatnot, because… well… I like to be in complete charge of when I get to leave.

It makes me really twirly and unpleasant to have to wait around for my ride, once I’ve decided I wanna head for the hills. One of the startlingly few :wink: times my Spoiled Kid Upbringing begins to show.

On the other hand, I’ll be glad to cart anyone along in the Auntie Mobile, free of charge, after having issued the following caveats:

a) Even if you’re in the midst of extremely cathartic activity with Psychomonkey in the Tub-O-Lime-Jello (having convinced him/her to don the stilettos AND a bikini made of raw hamburger), you’ll be forced to cut short your glee, should I decide to leave before you’re finished.

b) My car is kinda crappy, and could possibly fail to get us there and/or back. It’s never failed me before, but the poor dear is 16 years old and has over 250K miles, so you never know. But I have a cell phone, and can get roadside service like a champ.

c) I was planning on bringing a cooler, too, so if Baker and her cooler ride with me, I think that may be all the room I’ll have. But I might have room in the trunk for the lawn jarts. Oh, no wait, Mom will be riding back there (don’t worry, Skip (er, I mean God), I’m going to drop her at Stephenson’s on the way ;)–but as for cutting the cord, well… she is pretty much the sole reason for my return to the midwest (after a 12-year hiatus that I thought would be forever), and besides, you’re one to talk, still being under the thumb of someone else’s mother (ex-girlfriend, did you say?)! Does she at least pay for dinner? :stuck_out_tongue: :wink: )

d) I like to listen to Michael Jackson in the car.

102

I meant to address the carpool offer too. Since I’ll most likely be bringing the fruit of my loins I’ll be driving the Horsemobile (1 year old minivan) and I would be willing to take anybody that would want a ride as I’ll have plenty of room for people, coolers, lawn chairs, dead bodies and inflatable pools. But I gotta be able to leave should the Horsetots become too unmanageable. Should I not bring them then I might well stay long past my welcome rifling thru Mr. Stupidhead’s attic and medicine cabinets looking for souveniers. And FTR, it’s an 80’s synth-pop/one-hit-wonder/retro party in my hog every time I hit the asphalt. :stuck_out_tongue:

Auntie em, if you can wrangle psychomonkey into a hamburger bikini then I think I know what we can do with your meat thermometer. :wink:

Er, what happened to some of the other Dopers from early in the thread? Haven’t heard from shannybonanny or Truth in a while. And now that we’ve nailed down a date and place maybe the incomparable Crunchy Frog will grace us with a post.

103

As long as your mum stays put at Stephenson’s, Insta-Princess, I suppose all will be all right. But if she shows up at the Spooky Mansion and decides to tell us that we’re not eating right, or that we need to wash behind the ears, I’m gonna have to stuff her in the same closet I keep the ex’s mom.

Speaking of that old witch (not really, I just assume she is–probably doesn’t have a cauldron anywhere on her), I didn’t say I talked with her, or even visited the closet in which she stays. I’m just too polite to kick her out (but not polite enough to give her a room); I’m not even sure she eats…or is even alive. Maybe I just watched her go in the closet years ago, never saw her leave and am afraid to check. I dunno. It’s all so very confusing.

Yer 12 year hiatus you thought was forever…parole finally came through, huh? Good for you! I feel that once an evil Princess has been reformed, she sould have the chance to leave prison and prove herself to the world. :slight_smile:

As for Michael Jackson: Um, I just bought “Thriller”. And I listen to Air Supply in the car. Ahem. :slight_smile:

Horseflesh, take anything you want, but if you leave a kid, you and me are gonna have to box. (It’s a threat I remember from high school, although I never quite understood it. “What,” I thought, “does this mean I have to bite off his ear?”) Also, great point: Truth, Shannybonnany, Crunchy Frog, Bobkitty (and anyone else out there) will these plans work well for you?

Psychomonkey run away far and fast. Now! When those two bring up a meat thermometer/bikini combination, you know that they is sooooo crazy!

104

See there, Skippy (also known as PYT)? Now we not only have Pumpin’ & Blowin’ and severed puppy heads in common, but also a special affinity for The Child Molester From Outer Space[sup]TM[/sup]!

Sigh

Just when I thought I was over you… :wink:

As for those other folks you mentioned, Horseflesh, my guess is that we scared them away a couple dozen posts ago. I don’t know if it was the whole man-boobs thing or our collective taste in movies/music, but let me tell you what, if there is Big Country in your van, I’ll ride with you any day (well, OK, that’s not true… the whole Insta-Princess thing, you know… but work with me, here)!

105

See there, Skippy (also known as PYT)? Now we not only have Pumpin’ & Blowin’ and severed puppy heads in common, but also a special affinity for The Child Molester From Outer Space[sup]TM[/sup]!

Sigh

Just when I thought I was over you… :wink:

As for those other folks you mentioned, Horseflesh, my guess is that we scared them away a couple dozen posts ago. I don’t know if it was the whole man-boobs thing or our collective taste in movies/music, but let me tell you what, if there is Big Country in your van, I’ll ride with you any day (well, OK, that’s not true… the whole Insta-Princess thing, you know… but work with me, here)!

106

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Dat’s so sweet! Back off guys and gals, The Girl is Mine!

107

And, um, I’ll fight you if you try to take her away from me! Whether you’re an Ex-Beatle or not.

108

Careful now, Skip. You wanna be startin’ somethin’???

109

Hold on, honey; I was just trying to say–I mean, all I wanted was for you–I mean, Baby Be Mine

110

[Austin Powers]
Yeah, bay-bee!
[/Austin Powers].

Big Country, Midnight Oil, Proclaimers, Men at Work, The Cure… you name it I probably listened to it (and know the words). I whip myself into a frenzy doing the Safety Dance down the highway. Although I appreciate most music, from Cole Porter and Nina Simone to Kid Rock and Barenaked Ladies ('cept country, yuck), I am inexorably drawn to the music of my high school days, the Breakfast Club era.

But I am deathly allergic to all things Michael Jackson (except Man in the Mirror. Dunno, I just like that one…). I mean, is he Black or White? Is Billy Jean really his girl or not? I wish he’d just Beat It. Give me Prince (back when he was Prince) any day. But I’m telling ya now, SkipGod, if I see you putting the Best of Barry Manilow onto the turntable I swear to Brian I’ll burn all the hamburgers and let your ex’s mother out of the closet to wreak havoc in the world once again.

As for scaring away the other Dopers, fark 'em. I can’t be held responsible for their unscrupulous tastes in the musical and theatrical arts.

Skipper, what about the mysterious emailer you’ve been in stealthy contact with? Are they showing up? Uh, it’s not Michael Jackson is it?

And I see you’ve failed to respond to my revelation of your charade. I can only guess this means you’ve decided to cease your deception and move into the area you say you’re from. Good for you and don’t do it again.

Last note: I was curious if the other DopeFest threads were as entertaining as this one. The LonDope, Seattle, Denver, and Vegas 'Fest threads are full of boring details and unimaginative one line posts. This thread is a Douglas Adams classic by comparison. And I’m proud to say I don’t believe this thread has fallen off the first page of MPSIMS since its inception. Go us!

111

Horseflesh: I do indeed have a Best of Barry Manilow, except it’s on CD. not vinyl; however, if you’re not nice, I just might pull out my functioning 8-track stereo and play my much-coveted Barry Manilow, Neil Diamond and Captain and Tenille 8-tracks. But don’t worry, since you’re swearing to Brian, things just might work out for you. Just always remember to look on the bright side of life. Da-doo. Da-doo. Da-doo, da-doo, da-doo! :smiley: (If you’re interested–I know you’re not, otherwise, why would I ask?–I still have my Father Abraham in Smurfland album I can play for the kids. It’s a great album, too! There’s a song on it entitled “Smurfing Beer”. Gotta love the drunken blue buggers.)

I like your one-hit wonders collection! Somewhere I have a CD that I burned for that same reason. We’ll have to play your collection when you arrive.

The Mystery Doper is pretty rather hopefully almost entirely sure she/he/it can make the 'Fest. In addition to the wonderful presence of this Doper, we can count one more vegetarian to the mix, so Psychomonkey, you won’t have to feel like you’re living in a carniverous world all by yer lonesome. This doesn’t make your Evil Green Dark Side okay, you understand, it just means you have allies. :slight_smile:

Horseflesh, please take a look at this page I set up to refute your heinous accusations concerning the whereabouts of my spooky mansion.

Our thread is fun? Really? Compared to the other Dopefest threads? All right! See that, all the rest of you Dopers out there? We’re fun and you’re nothing but a bunch of non-fun…people. (Really, it’s late and I kinda peetered out. Not a great excuse, I know, but when you’re under this much pressure to make this thread the best Dopefest thread going…well, one can expect a bit of exhaustion.)

112

Rest your weary head, Skippo, and fear not for I will be up all night and will try to keep this thread lively for those few Midwesterners who dare to read (or add to) our prose.

The Spooky Mansion™ pictured on your linked web page is indeed a chilling visage. Of note is the Naked Tree in the front yard. Not only does it look lime green on my monitor, there is also an artifact on a branch in the midst of the tree that looks frighteningly like the Unblinking Eye of Sauron. The eerie glow in the windows is most likely the crazed mother you keep locked up trying frantically to attract someone’s attention with a flashlight. HA! Little did she know that you captured her puny and laughable attempt with your camera. I assume that the “punishment” was severe when you caught up with her.

Your house reminds me of the one featured in People Under The Stairs. Your ex’s mother probably keeps things interesting crawling through the hidden passages and evading your cunning traps. It also reminds me of the log cabin in the woods of Evil Dead except it’s missing a porch swing. Perhaps you can rectify that before Dopeka ensues.

Seems we’ve got most of the details worked out with the exception of a final tally of participating Dopers. So far we’ve got:

Auntie Em the Stiletto-Wearing Insta-Prude
Baker the Pie-Maker
Ender the Traveling Grill Master
Horseflesh and His Moving Jart Targets
psychomonkey the Underage Vegetarian Masochist
SkipMagic and His Creepy House of Manilow
and The Unamed One

If we’ve missed anyone please post your request to be added to this eclectic septet (or just show up, we won’t mind).

An idea popped into my head while writing this. How about starting a thread about 7 days out (Aug. 3rd or 4th) entitled Dopeka ( Dō-PĒ-kà ) with the phonetic pronunciation included lest some unwary Dopers think it’s a clever play on Kafka’s name and start posting existential dribble in the midst of our plans. The first post can link back to this thread for reference. We can use the thread to finalize the Doper list, foodstuffs, and anything else we’ve forgotten to lay out here instead of wading all the way to the end of this thread. Or we can just keep this one going (it is a fun thread to read).

113

Ever since you mentioned that our thread has appeared on the first page of MPSIMS since its inception, Horseflesh, I wondered about rethreading this thing come closer to Dopeka. “How will we hold up?” I mused to myself. “We can keep on like this and post every day, but will our wit last? Will it wax and wun wild with the women who run with the wolves? Most importantly, though, will my deoderant hold up throughout a month-long thread?”

I just don’t know anymore. So, I’m glad you brought that up; let’s let this thread run its course and then restart it as Horseflesh suggested. (Hey, speaking of which [not really]…are you a bigwig out there in that there Topeka casino of yours? Do you have connections to the mob? [Any mob will do. I don’t discriminate.] Can I have someone “rubbed out”? And if so, can I get a freebie since we plan on partying together?)

By the way, I do indeed have a porch swing on one (count 'em, I’ve got two, 2, too, to porches at this expansively frightening masnion of mine) of my porches! Hidden in the shadows to the left of the naked tree, a purple swing sits patiently, waiting for its next victim. “Come hither and sit, old people,” it beckons in its creaky voice. I use to worry that the senseless moider of old people by my swing was a bad thing, but then I started noticing that driving was much safer, so now I plan on petitioning the Kearney City Council to award my swing with a key to the city. And a key to the old folks home.

Okay, dat’s it. I’m off to visit the Nelson and its “Eternal Egypt” exhibit. Yep. I plan on running around the giant halls yelling out “Happy Mummy’s Day” until I’m thrown out. God bless thousand year-old linen.

114

You enjoy the exhibit Skip, and dont embarrass yourself too much. Thats one of my places of employment, you know they wont kick you out. We keep your kind in a dungeon (parking lot? Ha! we’re adding a torture chamber to the dungeon!) I dont want to have to feed you a bucket of fish heads everytime i go in for work.

115

Okay, Psychomonkey, I know that you aren’t your more prescient cousin Psychicmonkey, but maybe you could have turned on the pre-cognitive switch and let me know that there are no mummies at this event? Before, maybe, I left this thread and the spooky mansion and traveled the thousands of miles to the Nelson? I felt like a fool asking people if they had seen my mummy. Sheesh!

It’s all good though, because I got to use my nifty VIP pass to move past the hundreds of billions of people waiting in line for a showing. With a certain glee I walked past the ticket counter (“Sorry, we’re all sold out for the rest of today.”) and attached myself to the rear of an already moving line.

Okay, now that we know you work at the Nelson (how many jobs ya’ got, anyway?), I think it’s appropriate that you bring us all gifts from their archives. Me first since I’m writing this damn post. This is what I’d like, please:

1.) I want one of the two leafs from the 16th century antiphonaries you have hanging up. Specifically, I’d like the leaf from the Annunciation antiphonary.

2.) From that same collection of Western art, I’d like the wooden altarpiece with scenes from the Passion of Christ. Not that I have an altar at home; nor do I have any special religious interest in it. I just think it looks better than anything I can make out of lincoln logs.

3.) MOST OF ALL, I’d really, really, really like to have Raphaelle Peale’s wonderful painting, Venus Rising from the Sea - A Deception.

4.) Also, a dancing Ganesha statue (the only one ya’ got up there).

5.) The only Shiva Nataraja Dancing Lord statue.

6.) And if you can fit it in your vehicle, that big-ass Water and Moon Guanyin Bodhisattva sculpture. I’ve always wanted my very own Bodhisattva and you’re the very crazy simian to help me out.

7.) Least important (but deliciously so), while I was there, I did overhear a cute blonde quoting “…The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!/Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun/The frumious Bandersnatch!..” I’d like to have her, please. I’ve never really been a fan of blondes, but with an assumed education like that, I’m willing to branch out.

Okay. Please do what you can. Pain of death, of course, if you fail. :slight_smile:

116

I am master of all creepy crawly things that manage to infiltrate my office. If you have an insect in particular that’s bothering you I would be more than happy to smash it into oblivion. Just fax a picture and all information you have on the offending arthropod and consider it taken care of. Subsequent smashings will be $10K per smash.

117

You da’ man! Da’ man!
Okay, this here is the bug I want smashed:
Elvis.
The singer, not the bad football guy. I’m sick of the stupid lottery commercials, the impersonaters and the velvet paintings. He’s a cockroach eating away at our collective pop culture food supply.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

118

What?!? He’s out again? The last time I dealt with this cock-a-roach was in a convenience store in Ohio. The proprieter claimed he was ruining his display stand of Cheese Doodles and hadn’t shown up to work on time in 4 weeks. The ensuing battle made Gandalf vs. The Balrog look like a game of Parchesi. I crawled from the smoking crater battered and bruised but confident I had slain the sideburned critter. I’ll have to bring a bigger shoe.

You got any info on his current whereabouts? I’ll do his former son-in-law as a bonus. :smiley:

119

Oh, and psychomonkey, while you’re busy filtching certain items for Skip I would really appreciate it if you could get me the headpiece to the Staff of Ra.

120

Eh, not sure where he is. (Although, he has been showing up in Missouri’s “Lucky Town” lottery commercials.) Maybe it’s better if you aim more or less for the idea of Elvis–you know, the anthropomorphic representation so often worshipped by people who swear Wal-Mart is upscale. Kind of how Death is shown in Terry Pratchett’s Discworld books? Well, Elvis is like that, too. So yeah, kill the idea! Kill it till it’s dead! Dead, dead! And then kill it again!

As for MJ…go ahead. He’s done his “Thriller” album. That’s all I needed him for, anyway. Although, just to be safe, you might want to ask Auntie Em if it’s okay. I wouldn’t want to piss her off. :eek: