I’ve got a 19 year old who fails to accept the premise that he is responsible for everything that happens to him, be it good or bad. I recognize this is not limited to kids and it’s not all that uncommon. Nevertheless, has anyone had any success in dealing with this? If so, what did you do and/or say to get the person at least thinking more about it?
There’s a simple solution: Wait a couple of years until he grows up.
Otherwise, your kid knows he’s smarter than you are (How can you be so stupid?), and he knows that you are personally responsible for messing up his life and causing all his problems. Plus, you won’t buy him that car he really wants because you don’t really love him.
Give him a couple of years, and he’ll turn into a real human being you can relate to. He’ll start to understand that you are actually pretty smart and know a lot of stuff that can help him out. You’ll be able to talk to him. You two will become good friends. You’ll learn to depend upon him and him upon you.
Then, once he finally turns into a real human being that you actually want around, he’ll move out of your life and onto his own. I’ve seen it happen to my 24 year old and my 20 year old, and now I’m seeing the same thing happen with my 19 year old.
EVERYTHING? Really?
If someone finds $1000 on the sidewalk, or gets hit by a stray bullet, are they really responsible for that? Do you really believe that?
Could you give some examples that you used when talking with your son, and tell us the arguments that he used to reject what you said? Maybe then we could understand your thoughts, and his, and be better able to suggest something.
This is not something you can “explain” and expect it to take hold. Not that you shouldn’t explain (at least once); just do not expect much from that alone no matter how many times you say it.
The trick is to let kids fail and suffer the consequences of that failure (as well as the fruits of their successes). As a parent it is natural to want to protect your kids. Sometimes they need to fall down though and skin their knee to learn some of life’s lessons.
The trick here is where the line is drawn. Naturally you want to steer them clear of the really bad stuff…stuff from which recovery is very difficult or impossible. Fat lips, bloody noses and black eyes (metaphorically speaking) are ok. Getting run over by a truck you want to stop (again metaphorically speaking).
If you learn how to discern where that line is write a book about it…you’ll make a fortune.
Assuming you do live in California, point him here. Then send him here.
Simpler solution. Take your son down to your friendly neighborhood military recruiter and sign his ass up for the branch of his choice. His Drill Instructor will teach him all about personal responsibility, and many other useful skills.
I do not include events such as you describe. As to an example, it’s a computer error that kept him from taking/submitting an online test. Or it may be a teacher that has it out for him. Or his manager at the local ice cream store whose unreasonable rules is the reason he got let gow. For the most part, he fails to look inward to solve problems.
The OP is looking for factual opinions, so let’s move from GQ to IMHO.
samclem MOderator
Don’t act like you take it very seriously. Tell him sounds like a wuss.
Yawn, and tell him to suck it up and deal.
As far as kids go, I start out when they are small, pointing out to them how much of their life experience they can control, and explaining to them the connections between their behavior/choices and resulting things that happen. If you’ve not done this and the kid is 19 I think you have an uphill climb.
With my niece, she came into our household at age 16 lacking this ability to see connections, so I have had to teach her. I just bluntly tell her “Stop shifting blame and face facts. Your choice of X directly led to the consequence of Y. You will only hurt yourself in the long run if you do not learn from this.”.
OP, I was a lot like your son when I was 19. I’d like to think I’ve matured past it, but to be honest, it does slip out sometimes to this day. One factor, I think, is that kids really do have very little control over things - it’s the grown-ups who do. So as they gradually become grownups themselves, they still might maintain the mentality even though it doesn’t hold as true anymore.
Yeah, then you can both down a couple of Four Lokos and high-five.
I have no idea what that means.
We all know there are lots of moral, ethical, spiritual, and philosophical reasons to accept responsibilities for our actions, but those arguments aren’t working. Why not appeal to the less noble instincts - like not wanting to be snickered at.
I am a firm believer that instilling the desired behavior is a prerequisite to instilling the desired philosophy with the young.
Uh…19 seems a little old to be not taking any personal responsibility. Usually when I think of a 19 year old I think of a sophomore in college (or maybe a private in the Army). Not necessarily the height of maturity, but someone who by now has had to actually start thinking about real life shit.
I’m curious. Is your kid currently in college? Did they or do they play any organized sports? One of the things that sports seems to teach most kids is that if they want something, they have to work at it.
FourLoco is an energy / alchoholic drink. Roughly equivalent to several Red Bulls and vodkas. It’s illegal in several states. Basically it’s liquid doucehbag in a can.
And, indeed, someone has: Parenting With Love and Logic.
It’s rather hard to begin at age 19, though. This stuff literally starts with toddlers. You give them little choices when they’re little and gradually increase the number of things they can make choices about as they grow - but at all times, even when they’re 3 years old, you allow those choices to play themselves out. You chose mismatched socks to wear to preschool and the other kids laugh at you? Well, that’s what happens. You extend lots of sympathy and love, and perhaps anecdotes of your own to show how bad you felt one time when everyone laughed at you because you did something silly, but you don’t take over and rescue the kid unless health or life is at risk, or the kid asks you to help out.
Wrap the kid in emotional bubble wrap, and sure, he won’t hurt so much when he’s 3, but he also won’t learn how the world outside your home works, or how much personal power he really has to fix problems on his own.
And, to be very blunt, most of the time, most parents intervene too soon because it makes *them *feel better, not because the kid needs it. We tend to be terrified of being perceived as bad parents because our kid fails a grade in school, for example, when the reality is that the kid might very well benefit from repeating a year until he’s ready to proceed. Other times or other parents constantly intervene because they need to feel needed; they’re meeting their own emotional needs at the cost of stunting their kids’ development.
Very honestly, if your kid hasn’t learned this by 19, he’s in for some trouble. He has much bigger choices and mistakes to make, with much bigger consequences, and he hasn’t practiced enough to learn the lessons on tiny choices and mistakes. The military really isn’t a bad idea - they have the legal and social authority to take him back to the responsibility level of a 3 year old and proceed from there.
Tell him to watch Judge Judy, and see if he recognizes himself in any of those people. Maybe that’ll scare him straight. 
I think you’re fighting against basic human nature here. At 44, whenever I do something stupid, I still automatically hunt around for the nearest person/thing to blame. Then I realize that no, it was my own damned fault, and try not to do that again.
I understood completely by the time I was 19 how responsible I was for my actions. I also understood completely how easy it was to disclaim any responsibility for them by pretending I didn’t understand.
He’s NOT Judge Judy and executioner!