Killer putdowns

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

Theater critic wrote, “John Smith is the worst actor in the world.”

Smith sued for libel and won.

When critic was assigned to review a new play with Smith in the cast, editor told him to be careful.

In his review, critic wrote, “As for John Smith, I’m afraid he wasn’t up to his usual standard.”

===

George Enescu, the composer and violinist (teacher of Yehudi Menuhin), was living in Paris. He was approached by an old friend who had done him a great favor in the past. He wanted George to give his son violin lessons as a return favor. Enescu reluctantly acquiesced. The son was terrible.

Three years later the man speaks to Enescu. He asks, “Why hasn’t my son given a recital?”
Enescu: “He’s not ready yet. He needs more work.”
Friend: “But George, his aunts say he’s wonderful!”
Enescu: “All right. I’ll take care of it.”

So he hires the hall, gets notices printed and posted, along with the ticket price.

Two weeks later later the man returns. “George, nobody’s bought tickets.”
Enescu: “Overcrowded profession, he’s an unknown, you understand.”
Man: “But people would come if you were the accompanist.”
Enescu: “I do play the piano, but I’m a violinist, composer, conductor, not really a pianist.”
Man: “But didn’t you accompany the noted violinist Ysaÿe a while ago?”
Enescu: “Yes. Okay, I’ll do it.” And the notices get an addendum posted. The recital sells out.

The day of the recital.
Enescu to the man: “I need a page turner.”
Man: “I’m sorry, I don’t have my glasses with me.”
Enescu: “I MUST have a page turner. I saw Alfred Cortot [noted pianist] in the audience. Ask him for me if he has any students here.”

Man asks Cortot. Cortot says, “None of my students are here either. But I’m an old friend of George. I’ll do it myself.”

The recital finally goes on.

Two days later the following appeared in Le Figaro.

“A curious recital took place two days ago. The person playing the piano should’ve been playing the violin. The person turning pages should’ve been playing the piano. And maybe the person playing the violin could’ve turned the pages.”

22

couple of café ones I know … "nice tablecloths did they come straight from the bed ? " look at your plate and say to the waitress " wow the rumors are true you do kill your own food here "

23

I’ve heard this is a standard retort if a man jeers at another man for wearing a kilt, and asks: “What’s under that kilt?”

Answer: “Your wife’s lipstick.”

24

This I overheard personally. An ex-boyfriend drunk-called a friend if mine, and he made disgusting sexual advances over the phone-- I wasn’t listening in, but you can guess how imaginative a drunk guy would be: "I’d like to come and do you right now; you know I’m the best you ever had; etc., etc.

Connie, my friend says to him, “Sure, why don’t you come over; I could use a good nine inches-- no, on second thought, don’t bother: I don’t think you can get it up three times in one night.”

25

Alexandre Dumas’ famous reply to a racist insult:

“Mon père était un mulâtre, mon grand-père était un nègre et mon arrière-grand-père était un singe. Vous voyez, Monsieur : ma famille commence où la vôtre finit.”

(“My father was a mulatto, my grandfather a negro, and my great-grandfather an ape. See, sir: my family starts where yours ends.”)

26

Nothing from Rodney Dangerfield?

My wife’s cooking is so bad, the flies pitched in and bought a new screen for the door.

27

One that I like to steal occasionally:

Brian Griffin is singing in the car
Stewie Griffin: Who sings that song?
Brian answers the name of the artist
Stewie: Yeah, let’s keep it that way.

28

Gore Vidal, after being suckerpunched by Norman Mailer:

“Words failed him. As usual.”

29

The Duke of Wellington entered a reception at which some French officers were present. They tried to insult him by turning their backs to him. He said -

“Tis of no matter. I have seen their backs before.”

Regards,
Shodan

30

Setting: staff meeting, most attendees were female, Tom was a self-styled ladies man and was entertaining the women with a diatribe about the low urinals in the men’s room.

Tom: We don’t have any short people working here.
Me: Tom - the low ones are not for people with short legs.

31

“Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!”

32

When I was a young person in eastern Canada, a common putdown was at least in my circle,

“I would’ve been your father, but the dog beat me up the stairs”. I later learned it wasn’t said much elsewhere when it got a big laugh when I said it.

33

Leo Rosten, upon leaving his friend Groucho Marx’s house: I’d like to say goodbye to your wife.
Groucho: Who wouldn’t?

34

My wife wants to have sex in the back seat of the car–SHE WANTS ME TO DRIVE!!

35

Phil Silvers, about a flop musical he was in.

“The score was so bad people left the theater humming the scenery.”

36

Les Dawson:
There was a knock at the door. I knew straight away it was the wife’s mother.
All the mice started throwing themselves into the traps.

37

Whistler: Right, Your Majesty is like a stream of bat’s piss.

Prince: What?

Whistler: It was one of Wilde’s.

Oscar: It sodding was not! It was Shaw!

Prince: Well Mr. Shaw?

Shaw: (Michael Palin) I… I merely meant, Your Majesty, that you shine out like a shaft of gold when all around is dark.

38

Told pretty often in pilot circles… no idea of its validity though.

In the 70’s, a British Airways pilot was being berated by a ground controller at Berlin’s airport. Exasperated she snarled: “Speedbird 315, have you ever been to Berlin before?” He replied: “Several times in 1943… but I didn’t land.”

39

From some celebrity roast:

“I wouldn’t fuck you with Bea Arthur’s dick”

40

I’m from West Virginia, and I once worked in an office with a bunch of Ohio natives who were always cracking West Virginia jokes.

One of them told me, “If you would’ve went to school in Ohio, you wouldn’t have that accent”.

I replied, “And had you gone to school in West Virginia, you *might *have better grammar”.

Oscar Levant was supposed to have told an incompetent, hot-tempered conductor, “If you bawl me out one more time, I’m going to start following your tempo”.