One of my favorites is from The Razor’s Edge, by Somerset Maugham:
“I don’t positively hate you all of the time.”
(The emphasis may be mine, can’t remember if it’s in the original, but it definitely reads better that way.)
A friend who happens to be gay was being homophobicly harassed by his infertile neighbour,
After one particular tirade of abuse, his reply was
'At least I know why I can’t have babies
Couple more from Winnie. Also possibly apocryphal, but nonetheless, still funny.
On Clement Atlee:
A modest man, who has much to be modest about.
An empty taxi arrived at 10 Downing Street, and when the door was opened, Atlee got out.
Samuel Butler said of Thomas Carlyle and his wife: “It was very good of God that the Carlyles married each other. In that way, only two people were made miserable, instead of four.”
John Adams: “I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is called a disgrace, that two useless men are called a law firm, and that three or more become a Congress.” (Yes, it’s from 1776, but he said it in real life–although not until after the American Revolution.)
A Heckler to Al Smith: “Go ahead and tell 'em all you know. It won’t take long.”
Al Smith: “If I tell them all we both know it won’t take any longer.”
A wealthy man to Canon Sydney Smith: “If my son were an idiot, I’m make a clergyman out of him.”
Canon Smith: “Very probably, but I see your father was not of the same opinion.”
I heard this on the radio about a sports trade. I don’t remember who the player was who said it:
Reporter: “The Lions traded Ndamukong Suh”.
Detroit Lion: “That’s a good trade. Who’d we get?”
mmm
Jeremy Roenick: It should have been a penalty shot, there’s no doubt about it. I like Patrick’s quote that he would’ve stopped me. I’d just want to know where he was in Game 3, probably getting his jock out of the rafters in the United Center maybe.
Patrick Roy: I can’t really hear what Jeremy says, because I’ve got my two Stanley Cup rings plugging my ears.
(Roenick would never win a Stanley Cup in his enter career)
A favourite of mine, from the Regency era in England: involving the celebrated dandy, arbiter of fashion, and wit, Beau Brummell; and the Prince Regent, later King George IV. The Prince Regent was a “difficult” character, prone to making enemies and falling out with people; he and Brummell were friends at one time, but things went sour between them. Hence, competition at a ball in 1813, attended by Brummell and the corpulent Prince Regent, as to which could out-snark the other. The Prince arrived in company with his pal Lord Alvanley; he greeted various folk, but Brummell he “cut dead”, looking right through him and not acknowledging him. Prompting Brummell to say, “Alvanley, who’s your fat friend?”
Cecil Adams: If ignorance were cornflakes, you’d be General Mills.
Proving that he would have fit right in on the Dope, Abraham Lincoln on Stephen Douglas: “His argument is as thin as the homeopathic soup that was made by boiling the shadow of a pigeon that had been starved to death.”
There was a Facebook meme about Ben Carson - not sure if it’s true: An evolutionist was heckling Carson, or something of that sort, and Carson replied something to the effect of: “I say that I was created in God’s image, you say you descended from monkeys, and I believe you’ve convinced me you’re right.”
Another aviation one:
ATC: “Say altitude.”
Pilot: “Altitude.”
ATC: “Say airspeed.”
Pilot: “Airspeed.”
ATC: “Say canceling IFR.”
Australian Prime Minister Robert Menzies, 1954.
Heckler:“I wouldn’t vote for you if you were the Archangel Gabriel”
Menzies: “If I were the Archangel Gabriel, you wouldn’t be in my constituency.”
"Ben Carson had his license to perform brain surgery revoked until he could demonstrate that his own was in fully working order.”
I remember reading this in the Book of Lists, but haven’t been able to verify the quote through Google, so this is probably another one for the apocryphal category.
John Randolph, flamboyant US Rep and Senator from Virginia in the early 1800’s, was said to be infertile because of complications from tuberculosis. One of his rivals, Willis Alston, remarked “It is to my great relief the father of lies cannot become the father of liars.”
Randoplh retorted, “You speak of a quality of which every slave is your equal, and every jackass your superior!”
Oldie but goodie with a twist
Visitor at Harvard:
Visitor: Do you know where the nearest bathroom is at?
Harvard Student: At Harvard, we don’t end sentences with a preposition.
Visitor: At Valley State, we know the difference between questions and sentences.
Not a true story, but it has been told so often for so many years that it should be remembered here:
ACTUAL transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95.
Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."
Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."
Americans: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."
Canadians: "No, I say again, you divert YOUR course."
Americans: "THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP."
Canadians: "*This is a lighthouse. Your call*."The proper response is:
But I suspect you know that.
Samuel Johnson:
I have read your manuscript, and I find it both original and good.
Unfortunately, the parts that are good are not original, and the parts that are original are not good.
Yes. And to anyone who knows anything about ships, it makes the teller look mighty foolish.
The scene is a rest room at Harvard. A Harvard student sees a Yale student start to leave the rest room without washing his hands.
Harvard Student: “At Hahvahd, we wash our hands after we urinate.”
Yale Student: “At Yale, we learn how not to pee on our hands.”
Regards,
Shodan