Hank Hill: "I’m trying to contain an outbreak, and you’re driving the monkey to the airport! "
Hank, on the importance of safety glasses in shop class:
“I know, I know, these glasses might make you look “cool”, but they also protect your eyes”
After Buckley was exploded in the Mega Lo Mart disaster…
INVESTIGATOR: You needn’t concern yourself.
DALE: Oh, I needn’t, shouldn’t I? Then maybe I shouldn’t know that all Mega Lo Mart employees have a $5000 insurance policy.
INVESTIGATOR: That’s nonsense. This is a very straightforward investigation.
DALE: That’s what They want you to think!
INVESTIGATOR: Sir, we are They.
Dale: runs scared
Favorite thing in that whole series
Hank: If Ron Reagan ever dyed his hair, it was to demonstrate his strength to the communists.
Connie: Has anyone seen my graphing calculator? I’ll look like a dork at math camp without it!
Peggy: Honey, you are not trash just because you grew up in a trailer and your momma’s in prison.
From that same episode, the emotional confrontation at the mall:
Bobby: “Why can’t you accept me for who I am?!?”
Hank: "Yeah yeah, we all saw that after school special but you’re not an ice skater and I’m not an alcoholic so let’s go.
Cotton has most of my favorites. Off the top of my head:
Hank: How about I buy you an ornament? (Hank holds up one that says “Peace”)
Cotton: “Peace?” You would like that, you draft-dodger! Sure you can’t find one with a flag-burning on it?
Hank: It’s Jesus peace, not hippie peace.
Cotton: Either way we’ve always been a “joy” family.
Peggy: Cotton Hill, I do not know what I hate more about you – the way you talk to me or the way you treat your wife and your little child.
Cotton: Well, think about it.
Hank: “So are yeah Chinese or Japanese?”
Kahn: “I’m from Laos, it’s a landlocked country in South East Asia.”
Hank: “…So are yeah Chinese or Japanese?”
----Later that same episode----
Hank: “This is Kahn, he’s Chinese.”
Cotton: “Nope, He’s Laotian. Aren’t yeah Mister Kahn?”
This scene is funny but also very telling
Cotton: “Whatcha doin’, Hank’s wife? Some kind of women’s work?”
Hank (to Cotton): “It’s your fault I was born in New York and I can’t drive my truck and I tried a bagel and actually liked it. No, no more lies – I loved that bagel!”
Luanne (and I can totally relate to this one): “If I had dangerous brain powers you’d be a million tiny little pieces right now!”
Peggy: “Did a woman ruin the Supreme Court?”
Hank: “Yes, and that woman’s name was Earl Warren.”
Dale: “I know what’s wrong with it. It’s a Ford. You know what they say Ford stands for don’t you? ‘Fix it again, Tony’.”
Bill: “My dad used to punish me by telling me I was a girl. He used to make me wear a dress! Pretty, pretty dresses.”
Not a quote, but there was the time that Hank pulled over a police officer because the officers tail light was burned out.
I don’t even watch the show… but that one’s a keeper!
Another great Cotton moment, when he meets his ex-wife’s new Jewish boyfriend. I can’t find the exact text, but I think it started with Hank introduced him with his full name, Gary Kasner:
Cotton: Kasner?!? Happy Hannukah! I fought with one of your kind in the war. You know a guy by the name of Brooklyn?
Gary: I know a Joe… Brookstein…
Cotton: Yeah that’s him.
It’s funny because like the Laotian quote above you expect some kind of discrimination out of Cotton, but it doesn’t happen.
Hank (to Luanne):
“Everytime I think you’ve said the dummest thing you could ever possibly say… you keep talkin’!”
[the late great]Cotton, on his plan to spit at the Emperor of Japan:
“Soon as puts out his hand I aim on meetin’ him with some fresh squoze lung juice right between his eyes!”
Peggy to Bobby, upon learning he’s gay (which it turned out he wasn’t):
“You’re still my son and I love you and I take full responsibility for this, along with television and the devil.”
Wait…Cotton died? (I haven’t watched it this season, unfortunately)
Last Sunday.
I’ve been sticking my fingers in my ears and singing “lah lah lah lah lah” until I see the episode for myself. Does anyone know when it will be on again?
HANK [expressing reluctance to let Luanne cut his hair for beauty-school practice]: Peggy, my hair is our livelihood! The virtues of propane don’t always sell themselves!
PEGGY: . . . My idea is an article about an ordinary family vacationing in Hawaii . . . the hotel, the restaurants, the golf courses, everything . . . but from their point of view!
EDITOR: You can’t honestly think you’re the first person who ever tried this!