King of the Hill Quotes

Cafe Society
1

(Well, it was either this, or Beavis and Butthead. (Hmmm, maybe later)

Hank Hill:

“Strickland Propane, taste the meat, not the heat.”

“Ginseng tea?? I’m not gonna get hopped up on dope!”

“Can’t you see you’re not making Christianity better, you’re just making rock and roll worse?”

“The only woman I’m pimping from now on is Sweet Lady Propane. And I’m tricking her out all over this town.”

“I can’t believe you guys. Dale, the NRA is a Washington D.C.-based organization. Are you telling me you support Washington D.C.?”

“What! He ran a red! You can’t do that!”

“I am the mack daddy of Heimlich County. I play it straight up, yo. You get the hell out of my hood. She’s my ho now!”

Peggy Hill:

“Oh yeah? Well my child is God to billions of Asians!”

“Your honor, I can tell you are a reasonable horse. I am very pregnant because of what happened with Lupe. She ate my bus accident and all I wanted was to make Lupe into a book. I have too many good anuses ahead of me to spend my life in a cigar factory.”
Bobby Hill:

“That’s my purse! I don’t know you!”

“There’s some milk in the fridge that is about to go bad…and there it goes.”

“This is the gun club? I always thought this was a crack house.”

“My dad says butane’s a bastard gas.”
Cotton Hill:

“I killed fiddy men.”

“Bobby, I’m proud of what you did at school today…So I’m buyin’ you a hooker!”

“Good Lord, Hank, you’re wearin’ butt-boobies!”
Luanne Platter:

“Uncle Hank, I quit being a virgin the first time I had sex.”

“My professor says I have the most potential of any Jr. College student he’s ever seen… And he invited me to dinner and drinks to discuss it some more!”
Dale Gribble:

“If you want to elect me, Dale Gribble, president of the Gun Club, running on the Save-Your-Sorry-Ass platform, say aye.”

“Guns don’t kill people. The government does!”

“Attention homosexuals and so called BI-sexuals”
Nancy Gribble:

“This is suppose to be my re-wedding to Dale! My second chance! Why is God punishin’ me? Why, sug?!”

“Mention your home was destroyed, and get a free five pound bag of onions.”
Hank:So are you Chinese or Japanese?
Khan: No, we are Laotian.
Bill: The ocean? What ocean?
Khan: From Laos, stupid! It’s a landlocked country in South East Asia between Vietnam and Thailand, population approximately 4.7 million!
Hank: So are you Chinese or Japanese?
Kahn: D’oh
Bill: I wish I had a son to kick me in the nuts.
(Dale suddenly kicks Bill in the groin)
Dale: Be careful what you wish for.
Bug : Oh my god, Hank! Are you gay?
Hank: What?! No! I sell propane!
Hank (choosing a Christmas ornament):“How about this one?”
Cotton: “Peace!? I bet you would like that! Why don’t you get one with a flag-burnin’ on it? Besides, we’re a Joy family.”
Hank: “Dad, it’s Jesus peace not Hippie peace…”
Cotton: “Joy!!”
MEN: We’re here! No rear! Get used to it!

2

Kahn: She blinded me with science! Bee boo boop! It all in the rhythm, Hank."

3

All my favorite quotes are actually two-liners:

Peggy: Look, they got lights up so they can work at night, just like the Dallas Cowboys!
Hank: The Dallas Cowboys would respect a man’s lawn!

Buddha-Sec: Your Momma so stinky, she smell like propane.
Hank: Now you’ve gone too far! Propane is colorless and odorless. What you smell is another gas, added for your protection.

Khan: I use Mesquite. Makes the burgers taste like wood.
Hank: Well, I use propane. Makes the burgers taste like burgers.

Hank: Do you only have tofu here?
Health-Food Store Guy: No, we also have faux-fu for the tofu intolerant

And my favorite exchange:

Hank: I need an L-pipe.
Megalo-Mart Kid: This is an L-pipe.
Hank: No, that’s a straight pipe. An L-pipe is shaped like an L.
Megalo-Mart Kid: This is shaped like an L.
Hank: Heh, okay, I mean it’s shaped like a capital L.
Megalo-Mart Kid: All pipes are straight.
Hank: Well, that’s just silly. Those U-pipes right there aren’t straight. How do you explain that?
Megalo-Mart Kid: Those aren’t pipes.

4

From Nancy Gribble, I’m pretty sure:

“The truth is like the sunlight. People used to think it was good for you.”

5

Khan: I cried river of tears for Buckley!

Hank: Why didn’t Boomhauer ever do anything like this to us?
Bill: Because Boomhaeur is a saint.

Lucky: I slipped on pee-pee at the Costco.

GEORGE FOREMAN: How about carrying my grill in your shop?
HANK: Oh, sorry, but we have a strict policy about that. No novelty grills.
GEORGE FOREMAN: NOVELTY GRILLS?
HANK: Yeah. No offence, but your grill is kinda like an iron.
GEORGE FOREMAN: You’re callin’ my grill an iron? I’ve been hit below the belt before, but nothing like this!
HANK: I think it’s a great product for dieters, or little girls who want to play barbecue, but you can’t compare it to a propane-powered grill.
GEORGE FOREMAN: FIGHT’S ON!
HANK: What? No!
GEORGE FOREMAN: I said, fight’s on! What’s the matter, smellin’ all that propane cause you brain damage? That’s what it does, you know!
HANK: No! That is not accurate! Those studies were all done on sick monkeys! And at least my grill isn’t sold in housewares!

Dale: I let Joseph listen to whatever he wants. Of course, I’m afraid of Joseph.

BOBBY: Better honk, Dad. It won’t feel like Christmas Day if we miss the Little Drummer Boy.
HANK: I’m doing the best I can, and – wait a minute, you’re being sarcastic. You have no interest at all in seeing that little boy play his heart out, do you?
BOBBY: Nope.

6

All from memory:

HANK: If you weren’t my son, I’d hug you.
HANK: Big Tex: a man of the people. I knew it!
HANK (to Jimmy Carter): You mean my Dad wouldn’t annihilate me?!
HANK: Head to feet, every thing’s neat.* Feet to head, everyone’s dead.

BOBBY (to vending machine stocker): I’m feeling sophisticated. What do you have in the “Dr.” or “Mr.” variety?
*or something.

7

While out hunting, Joseph & Dale get their ears blasted by audio feedback in the earphones Dale got to help them hear approaching deer…

Dale: Darn Russian-made military surplus! Never work the way they’re supposed to!

Joseph: Or maybe they’re working exactly the way they’re supposed to and have just signaled just signaled our position to Russian subs in the harbor.

Dale looking at him with pride and love: That’s my boy.
Another Dale-ism: Those ants will gather all over you & sting you all at once. That’s how the killed L. Ron Hubbard.

AND all these from the “Dale riding-mower abduction episode”

Dale: I thought you were my friend.

Hank: Well, uh, Dale… dang it, Dale! I am your friend! I’m the best friend a weirdo like you could ever hope to have!

Dale to SWAT team:

You decide shoot me, I want Bobby Hill to do it. He’ll take me down clean.

Bobby reaches for SWAT-man’s rifle, but is waved off

Later when Dale sees Hank was wearing a bullet-proof vest…

Dale: You thought I was going to shoot you!

Hank: Well yeah, but I thought you’d shoot yourself right after.

Dale: I would have, too.

8

Hank: Cooties are the germs that a girl gives to a boy.
Bobby: Oh, you mean like chlamydia?

9

Hank: Propane is God’s gas.

Boomhauer: Man, I tell ya what, man. That dang ol’ Internet, man. You just go on there and point and click. Lots of naked chicks on there, man.

10

Dale Gribble at his office job: “Happy Birthday. You’re fired.” (he was the BEST HR director we ever had!)

Boomhaeur: thatdangolinternetmanyou justgoinonhereand pointandclicktalkaboutwwdotwcom meanyougotnekkidchicksontheremanjustgoclickclickclickclickclickit’srealeasyman.

11

Bobby: “Dad’s talking to the Tom Landry plate again.”

Luanne: “At beauty school, they teach us that people aren’t black, white, red, or yellow, but their hair can be.”

Dale: “You tell me a lot of things Hank, most of which I publish.”

12

Bobby: Dad, I used your toothbrush again by mistake.
Hank: Throw it out.

13

John Redcorn: But Nancy, maybe you should go.
Nancy Gribble: What?? No! I have an appointment with you… for my migraines.
John Redcorn: I know, it’s just that I’ve healed you three to five nights a week for many years. I could really use a night off.

<<<later, same episode…>>>>

John Redcorn: Dale, you’ve become a true friend. Which is why it would be… unprofessional of me to go on seeing your wife.
Nancy: I understand.
Dale: Wait, I guess I could treat you. I mean, I’m not a licensed New Age healer, but I think I’ve walked in on you guys often enough to know what goes on in there.

<<<<John Redcorn leaves>>>>

DaleI was getting a weird vibe in there. Do you think he’s gay?

14

Bobby: My sloppy joe is all sloppy…and no joe!

Bobby (while taking a self-defense course): Let go of my purse. I don’t know you.

Judy Harper: “The complacency of fools will destroy them.” Proverbs.
Hank: Get out of my house… Exodus.

Dale Gribble: YOU. Quit screwing around with my mower.
John Redcorn: Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me.
Dale Gribble: Oh, it’s just you, John Redcorn. Now get in there and heal my wife.
John Redcorn: He’s taking all the fun out of this…

Peggy Hill: They’re always in the last place you look, because once you find them, there’s no reason to keep looking.

15

Hank: Look at her, hanging out there in front of God and everyone. Would it kill a tree if she wore a bra?

Khan: When we punish our kids, we don’t let them have dessert.
Hank: It’s hard to believe that a kid could get so worked up about a fortune cookie and an orange slice.

16

Cotton Hill (turns on TV to watch Charlie’s Angels): Damn! Shelley Hack! That’s like gettin’ a Shemp.

17

I don’t remember if it was from a show or a “King of the Hill” book:

Hank: “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, and I’m liable to whip your ass.”

18

Inexact quote from Dale regarding Bobby’s boss:

“I heard once he stared at the sun for ten straight minutes. Burned out his brain! Of course, he couldn’t have been too smart to begin with if he did that.”

19

Peggy: Smoking is for trailer trash.
Luann: I don’t smoke!

Cotton, preparing to rehab Peggy after her accident: Are you ready to hate me more than anyone you’ve ever known in your life?
Peggy: I already do!

20

Bobby: Did any one else smell today’s garbage?
Bill: I’ll go get a bucket
Hank: Not the good bucket