Where both parties don’t love each other, at all, anymore, and both fully acknowledge it, but never bother to divorce each other for other reasons (usually financial)?
I know (knew) two. A close relative remained married to her husband even tho she was in a fully open (known) relationship with another man, and regularly dated him while typically sleeping at her house with her husband.
A close friend also has parents which are in said mode. I won’t dare inquire into whether either is having an affair, but he did confide in me that there is no love or passion left there at all, either.
For this diehard romantic, such a series of attitudes and notions is utterly foreign to me. But maybe one or both persons change and hence are no longer, at all, the people they were when younger, but they are too set in their ways otherwise to sign the papers. What this implies about a typical set of marriage vows I’ll leave for you to comment on…
I almost entered into such a marriage. When I worked at FedEx, a lesbian friend and I considered marrying so she and her kids could get on my health insurance.
I can think of at least two couples I know who would separate if not for the kids. In one case they’re basically living apart in the same house.
I think it’s probably more common than people usually think. Going through a divorce is a really stressful and expensive thing, and if there’s nothing really to gain from it and plenty to lose, well… you can’t blame people for making this choice. Marriage of Convenience can be an option for parents that don’t want to share custody of their kids, I suppose.
I know of a couple that married for green card status. No money exchanged hands (that I know of) but the “happy couple” only cohabited for as long as it took to get the green card finalized, then separated and do not keep in contact. No plans to divorce.
Another couple (neighbors) are in their 70s, and are both gay. That is, a gay man and a lesbian. Why did they marry? I have no idea. But there must be benefits, because they’ve been married for over 30 years.
One of my oldest friends and his wife have been married for 30 years. Nine years ago, he moved out and bought his own house a couple of miles away. They have kids in college. He’s told me the only reason they haven’t divorced is purely financial.
A friend had an incredible blow out argument with his wife about 5 or 6 years ago when she came home with a brand-new car they had not even discussed buying. He says that was the final straw of a troubled marriage; they still live in the same house with their son but he swears he has not spoken to her since then. He says he is waiting for his son to be 18 or for her to die, whichever comes first.
Yep. It’s a trans-continental affair that’s been going on around 20 years; the husband basically alternates between continents (the US and Europe), switching off every month. They’re all in their late 70s and 80s. Everyone involved is aware of everyone else. They’re also my grandparents. Yeah, that was my reaction.
A man married a friend for that reason; both were very open that that was the reason. Once he got full citizenship they got divorced but still remain friends and help each other quite a bit in lots of ways.
Yea a former spouse of my BIL married a guy for this, she was his FIFTH client.
Kinda baffles me how immigration doesn’t catch on to the pattern, they stay married just long enough for the permanent permanent residency to kick in after two years of marriage.
I know of one “green card” marriage. He married a woman, lived with her long enough to get a green card and then divorced her. He is now married to someone else with a couple kids and a successful legal practice. He could have moved to Toronto if he didn’t want to stay in Montreal, but is instead in Vermont. I have no idea why. Or whether he paid his “wife”. Or whether the marriage was ever consummated.
But I cannot think of anyone I currently know who is married in name only.
My uncle (who is 72, gay, but thinks he’s been “cured”) works as an assistant in a Christian “gay conversion” counseling office. His 84-year-old boss (who was also his counselor) has been a mother-figure to him for years, and since my uncle has major untreated psych issues (so much for counseling), he has allowed her to control every aspect of his life. Last year she was going to be evicted from her apartment, so he of course offered her his own place, but since they are leaders in their Christian ministry, it would be untoward for an unmarried man and woman to live together in the same house, so they decided to get married. Before the wedding my uncle asked all of his family what we thought of this plan and we all (to a one) told him he was making a huge mistake. He was already basically her manservant; marriage would make his life into a prison. Plus, you know, he’s gay.
He decided to get married to her anyway. Now, this is odd enough but the REALLY weird thing is that even though everyone who knows him at all knows this is a marriage of convenience (and a creepy one at that), his wedding invitations and the ceremony were effusively about the glory of love and what a wonderful bond of love these two have. When that is patently, demonstrably, irrefutably not the case.
It is just the most bizarre thing. It’s like they don’t understand that their blanket of Denial only covers the two of them, and they can’t see that the rest of us are unaffected and can see right through it.
Yes, I know one couple just like that. Getting near retirement age, both knew they wouldn’t have a super-large nest egg to live on individually, but combining assets (she had a house, he had a modest retirement fund), they would do all right. And if either one continued to work as long as possible, at least part-time, they would have medical coverage and benefits for both.
Both parties had been in previous relationships, but divorced, so they knew what this entailed.
Absolutely no physical love involved, according to reliable sources. Just a practical arrangement for financial comfort and companionship. Seems to be working for the past 15 years.
My parents are in a marriage of convenience at this point. My dad has some dementia, and one of the effects is that he either finally realized he’s gay or he finally decided it’s not worth the effort to be closeted. Long story short, he gathered his toys, ran away from home, and set up housekeeping elsewhere.
Neither parent wants to marry someone else, they don’t dislike each other enough to divorce just for the sake of cutting the other lose, and neither one wants to spend money on lawyers and splitting up the estate. So they stay married on paper but have little actual interaction.
I don’t know about the “at all” part - but in Spain it is quite common for couples to separate without divorcing; some do the paperwork, some don’t. My Latvian boss hasn’t really lived with her husband for the last 8 years, but they’re still married and I don’t even know if they’re formally separated or not.
They’re all still friends, or at least “friendly enough”; some are friends with benefits (the usual line is “we do love each other, we just can’t stand living together”); they all still want each other to be their first contact/decider for legal and medical issues, the other main person in their children’s lives, etc.
I also know some couples who got married without any fuzzy pink clouds involved but that was their deal from the start. Both parties have held their part of their bargain, both are satisfied with it.