I have become one of those dreaded “hard to buy for” people. Honestly, I just don’t want many tangible things. Words, deeds, and touch are incredibly important to me. Gifts can be lovely but most of the time, I’d rather have a hug.
Are you familiar with the famous O. Henry story “The Gift of the Magi”?
Self-help author Gary Chapman has written a series of books about the “5 Love Languages”: His thesis is that different people have different ways they primarily express and receive love (Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch), and that many relationships suffer because they “speak different love languages” and hence don’t recognize each other’s attempts to be loving.
I want a lot of things. Both physically and emotionally. I like nice things and buy myself nice things. So, a relationship between me and a penny pincher wouldn’t work. I think American society is an ironic one. We’re taught we’re supposed to want bigger and better and more expensive, but when we ask for it we’re greedy. I hear some people say they don’t give Valentine’s gifts or anniversary gift. That wouldn’t fly with me.
Another thing to do is to evaluate the gentlemen in question making this assertion - as well as the types of women they date.
There is a certain kind of guy that a certain kind of woman find sympathetic. They BOTH tend to value the material things in life. That means this kind of guy WANTS to see “his woman” wearing expensive jewelry. This can be a very competitive material game in dating circles. I went out with a guy on this end of the spectrum once - despite me being not “that type of girl.” The gifts are part of the game.
There is a certain kind of guy and a certain kind of woman who are non-material and sympathetic. He’d be a little shocked to find “his woman” in designer shoes - because neither of them sees any value in spending $400 on a pair of shoes. She isn’t too interested in getting gifts - which is a good thing because he’s not too interested in buying them. And vice-versa.
Guys complaining about women who expect material things are often the first kind of guy looking for the first kind of girl, but without enough to ante up into the game for the class of girl they want to pursue. They shouldn’t loose hope though, because there are plenty of those kinds of girls without the charisma to attach the kinds of guys who play the high ante game. They should just find a lower minimum table.
If I was dating a guy and he gave me expensive gifts, I would be suspicious. Over-the-top makes him seem kind of crazy. More reasonable gifts, well I like any kind of nice treatment I guess.
Yes, which is about Christmas, when gift exchanges are expected. That’s a far cry from the notion that gifts at random times are a necessary or appropriate means of “showing” or “proving” one’s love.
You lost me right there. I’m not particularly interested in appeals to authority based upon the insights on human emotion from someone with no training in psychology, psychiatry, human development or anything related and who holds no therapeutic licensing.
Umm… what? I wasn’t appealing to authority; I was crediting my source. Maybe I should have just been vague, and said “I’ve heard that…”
I haven’t read the book, though I did one of the questionnaires over-the-phone with my boyfriend, but I think this is pretty true. Some people are very much into different aspects of showing or recognizing love. Other people can see a whole host of different types of things as loving. I know that I, personally, am way into what Chapman calls “words of affirmation” and physical touch. That’s how I instinctively show AND understand when I’m being shown affection.
I’d recommend the book for people to look over. I don’t think it’s life-changing, but it’s something to keep in mind.
I think women want attention.
For some, that translates to bling.
For some, it translates to “your Dad always bought me flowers on special occasions, which is nice,” (she likes plants) “but they were always so horribly showy!” (ok, so he couldn’t get it through his skull that she liked white, yellow and orange flowers - I don’t think she ever straight told him either; I’ve inherited his love of blue and red ones).
For some, it’s hugs. For others, spankings, a dog collar and a leash. For others, a dog collar, a leash and an actual dog.
Neither of the above would work for me: OTOH, tickets to a movie with lots of explosions will probably be welcome.
You can split it 5 ways or 500, but in the end, women (and men) want someone who is interested in them and who knows what, how and when to give (extra points for saying “thank you!” when that someone happens to be the one receiving).
well, keeping personality differences in mind, in the current culture, in my experience, women are the ones who expect acts of love more often than the guys. sure there are women who buy their man gifts from time to time, but it’s almost EXPECTED for a man to do his share of giftgiving, especially in a strictly romantic context. The guy books the anniversary plans, the guy gets the valentines gifts, the guy sets up dates so the relationship stays fresh. the woman? organizes a surprise birthday dinner from time to time, and acquiesces to some things in the bedroom.
misogynistic? maybe.
Shrug, I’ve never been and can’t be part of that specific culture - both my own cultural baggage and my personality preclude it.
But there are things one part sees as acts of love and the other one doesn’t even notice, and gifts doesn’t mean only physical items. Most of my explicit examples were physical things, but I also mentioned gratitude as another example. I chose physical items as examples because that’s the things that are easier to understand as being different, but they’re not the only ones. Neither I nor my bros would ever be able to live with someone who wasn’t able to give us “calm down time” when we’re angry, and “time” isn’t something you can put a big red bow on; other people would refuse to live with an SO whose response to “ARRRRGH!” is “ok, give her a while to calm down…”.
Smiling and saying “have a nice time” when your husband leaves for an afternoon of WH40K, and trying to keep track of who plays Chaos Marines and who is the minmaxer and that the guy from Toledo is the guitar player and the one from Granada is the one who wins best-paint trophies with depressing regularity is also a gift. My SiL does that. Is it a physical gift? No. Is it a gift? Yes, she’s giving him things like time with his friends doing something she doesn’t and never will understand, and the gift of paying attention to what he says even when it makes no sense.
Do I still have the right sig?
checks
Ah, good. But you know, we are tired of being treated as an amalgam. I never ask for jewelry. Don’t get me wrong, it sure is pretty and looks nice, but if I spend even $200 on a piece of jewelry, I could also use that money to get a bunch of used video games, some iTunes music, put books on my Kindle, and maybe buy myself a new purse.
And perhaps women need more evidence that their men love them. Perhaps it stems from insecurity. I know I’ve had my share. Maybe it’s just that we spend our whole lives pleasing other people - because women are still expected to be the graceful sex, the one that never complains - that we like having someone to make much of us for once.
But we’re not all the same! What do men want? I can buy them all sports memorabilia, right? Because that’s what they all want. (I think my SO might secretly throw it out! He never wears anything with logos anyway.)
That.
Attention, acknowledgment, etc.
Offers of hugs/kisses/being their best friend go hand in hand with the acknowledgment thing. As do offerings of flowers/candies/books/random crap. It’s up to individual woman how much of each of those things she wants, I guess.
I don’t think you are wrong at all.
What I want is to be heard. I want to matter. I want the person I’m communicating with (and presumably intimate with) to give a damn about my needs and wants and take action if he wants to and is able.
Right now, I am in the process of trading up: I’m dumping one guy to go be with another. Why? Because the douchebag I’m dumping acts like I don’t matter to him. I’ll use a fake example based on an actual event to illustrate. Let’s say I have a kid (I don’t). The kid has special needs and has to be handled in a certain way. I’ve taken the time to explain the special needs and educate how this kid should be dealt with. Douchebag will do the exact opposite of what I asked. Nicely and politely and with respect, I will say, “Please stop fucking with the kid.” Douchebag will look me straight in the eye, completely ignore what I just said, and will continue right on with what he was doing.
Because he thinks I don’t know anything. And I have nothing to say that matters. And he has no respect for my boundaries. So I DTMFA because the guy I’m with now totally appreciates me and values me as a person, not for what he can take from me.
The douchebag gives me presents. The guy who listens to me and responds accordingly does not give me presents. I don’t need or want stuff. I don’t need a man to pay attention to me in order to feel good about myself. My identity is not wrapped around the guy I’m with. So the only things a man can offer me that I can’t obtain for myself is: trust, respect, communication, compassion, empathy, support, affection, friendship, and companionship. I don’t want jewelry. I don’t want a Valentine’s Day gift (or dinner or anything at all). I just want my (new) guy to keep treating me like he values me. He wins the jackpot because he’ll be rewarded in spades… 
Nah - its just different. GENERALLY speaking, men expect expressions of love in a physical manner or in quality time or service (dinner) (to put in the ‘5 languages of love’ terms). They don’t usually get into gifts, or lovey dovey “oh, honey, thank you, I adore you.” But if a girl catches the crud and feel about as sexy as a potato for two weeks, and suddenly his expectations aren’t being met.
Same deal, just a different set of expectations.
Well, I for one am glad to know that the 10,000 pairs of dirty boxers and socks I’ve laundered over the years were done purely for the fun of it and were not in any way, shape, or form an act of love. Men just expect a different sort of act of love, is all.
My girlfriend would get mad at me if I got her a gift without explicitly discussing the exact item beforehand.
She doesn’t like surprises. At all. She only rarely wants anything, and the fact that I buy it sometimes is only because she can’t afford it, if she could I’d have to back off and let her take care of it.
It’s just an individual personality thing.
OK, so you’re giving her control and paying attention to the fact that she needs it. Definitely not something you can put a ribbon on, control.
I do know someone who once packaged the husband’s clean and ironed laundry, put a ribbon on it and placed it on his side of the marital bed, CrazyCatLady. The husband had complained about “doing all the (maintenance) work around the house” after hanging up three pictures…