Miss Manners claims that a “lady” would never speak to a strange man unless properly introduced. I don’t think she is kidding. She says its an insult when men compliment a woman on her appearance (here, I’m not talking about wolf whistles and rude sounds but going up and saying “You are lovely.”)
In this age of hook-ups and not knowing if a man is a rapists or killer without knowing someone respectable who knows him, this could be refreshing.
But is it a bit overboard? Prudish? A good idea?
When I was younger I took it very much to heart. Now, it depends on the circumstances.
I’m sure that going up to a woman and complimenting her on her appearance could seem demeaning and would probably be looked upon as weird, it’s not something I’d do. But not saying hello to a strange man? That sounds way outdated to me.
I’ve got no idea what hookups, rapists and killers have to do with the issue. If everybody involved is okay with hooking up, there’s no problem. Serial killers aren’t a day-to-day threat, that’s media hype. I would guess that women are rarely raped as a result of saying ‘hi’ to strange men.
I’ve had some casual conversation with men that came up simply to give me a compliment on my appearance. I don’t see how it’s an insult, unless it’s given to mean something other than a simple nod to a woman’s beauty (or dress, or what have you).
And saying hello to a strange (or simply uknown) man doesn’t strike me as so bad either, so long as it’s just a hello and then you leave. Quickly. 
you mean you don’t have the “hello-how-are-you-let-me-blow-you-now” conversations?
crap.
erases “california” off his list of places to visit
I had no idea we were supposed to be insulted by the cheekiness of a random compliment. That’s the kind of thing that can totally make your day, why would someone find that rude?
You’re going about your business in the post office and a Strange Man holds the door with a smiling “After you, pretty lady” or the guy in the frozen food aisle remarks that you have a nice smile and you’re supposed to get all huffed about it?
That seems very odd to me.
I’ll smile and thank someone if they do something nice for me (hold a door, help with my bags, pay me a compliment etc) but I certainly wouldn’t strike up a conversation with a strange man, unless it was a party.
“Don’t talk to strangers” isn’t just advice for little kids, it’s part of not making yourself vulnerable or a target, and not being taken for a ride by con-artists.
What, in the end, am I likely to gain by chatting to a strange man on the bus?
I dunno…I chat up strangers all the time. Is it supposed to look slutty or something? I simply don’t get the “cautious” factor. Most people are just looking for a human connection. If I don’t have a gut feeling about someone being dangerous or creepy, I don’t have any qualms about making small talk (on a train, in the grocery store, etc.).
I think it depends on the circumstances. The two of you are waiting for a store to open and he makes a comment on the weather. You can say “Yes, it’s cold outside.” You’re in a bookstore and a guy asks if you’ve read the book he’s looking at and if it’s any good. You can say “No, I haven’t” and walk away or say “No, but I’ve read some reviews…”
I once had a total stranger (male) in the Strand bookstore ask if he could take some photos of me. I just looked at him, and he explained he was worked in fashion and like my “usual outfit” (a combination of reds and lavendars). He snapped a couple of shots, said “Thank You” and left.
A friend/ useful contact / invitation to a party / interesting conversation / access to a ski lodge?
Yes, you can get your fingers burnt if you’re too naïve, but you can miss out on a lot if you’re in cactus mode the whole time.
Miss Manners does not say that a lady would never speak to a strange man unless properly introduced. She does not say it’s an “insult” when men compliment women on their appearance. Which of her books are you getting this from? I’ve read them all and cannot recall these statements.
She does say that if strange unknown men try to engage a woman in conversation, the woman is free to not wish to engage further in it; or she can make a polite rebuff that will indicate that she doesn’t wish to talk, or she can ignore the man entirely if she’s uncomfortable or feels unsafe with the situation. She also says that it is traditionally considered ill-mannered to specifically point out that a woman “looks good today,” because the implication is that she doesn’t look as good on other days. She didn’t make that up herself; it’s a long-standing point of etiquette that you don’t “notice someone else’s things” or make comments on people’s personal appearance.
I myself would find it a bit creepy to have some random strange man walk up to me and tell me “You are lovely.” Especially if we’re alone in an elevator or on the street at night. Miss Manners would definitely agree that I don’t have to acknowledge him or his compliment.
I’d like to see a cite, context, or explanation for this.
I don’t get too angry but it does squick me out a little. Why would they say it unless they are trying to get some play? Yes, I can’t stop someone from checking me out, but I wish they wouldn’t say anything about it.
Can I just add that Miss Manners must be one of the most mis-quoted and misunderstood persons in the media. Usually by people who have never read her books and who never read her column, but see the name “Miss Manners” and get all defensive and huffy about “manners,” and assume that anyone called “Miss Manners” must be all about casting her disapproving eye over people who don’t follow “her” long list of antiquated rules that “nobody” cares about anymore. Then comes the ridiculous and laughable statements like “she says it’s an insult” to do something or other.
She could not be further from that image. Read one of her books and find out what she believes “manners” are really about.
Count me in as another who likes random compliments, and sees them for what they are…I mean, they may be trying to get some play, but they’re not going to, and I know how to accept a compliment gracefully all the same. And a little compliment put well can really make your day, as Queen Tonya says.
If it’s the case that a gentleman thinks you have anice smile, wouldn’t you rather that he told you? I think we’ve gone a little overboard about little kids not talking to strangers. But grown adults? Geez.
A new friend? A new job? A bit of valuable or interesting information? At the very least, a more entertaining bus ride?
I can’t imagine *not * chatting with strangers. Everyone I haven’t met is a stranger. How else am I supposed to meet people? I’m supposed to wait to be introduced? Should my social circle be confined to people who have been pre-approved by people I already know?
And as for random compliments, accept them in the manner in which they’re given. If the guy isn’t leering, then what’s the insult?
It does depend on the compliment, too.
Yeah…you don’t want to acknowledge a “nice tits” comment, but if someone says your dress is faaaabulous, no harm, no foul.
Huh. You really do learn something new everyday.