Ladies: How bad was this? (A slight cat call I guess)

[Dinsdale]

The situation in the OP impresses me as a pretty mild example of the numerous bonehead moves I made with my kids over the years. I think the only way to avoid such stupid things is to undesireably constrain open communication with your kids. You talk enough, and some percentage of the things you say will be stupid. So then you try to use that as a teaching moment. Meanwhile, the world keeps turning.

IMO, the most significant teaching opportunity would be “Wait til we’re in the car.” I can’t think of how many times we were various places, and either the kids or we parents would want to talk about something as we left and headed to the car. But you only have to be overheard once to realize anything you wouldn’t say to someone’s face is best left until you are in the car w/ the doors and windows closed.

[Nzinga_Seated]

Regarding being called on your shit:

I’ve been overweight my entire life, but when I was a teenager, my chubbiness was more what people in my culture call ‘thick’ and I felt as if I was the ‘good’ kind of fat. Since then, I have gained plenty weight, but at that age, I thought I was young and hot and I thought the ghetto revolved around me!

One day, I was in a mall with my best friend, and I saw a very overweight woman in one of those scooter things. I think it must have triggered some kind of deep-seated insecurity in me or something. Because I never used to make fun of people, it really wasn’t my style at all. I mean, my best friend and I may crack jokes in private sometimes, but never in public. This day, I turned to my friend and whispered, “She wouldn’t be so big if she parked that scooter and walked.”

Well, that lady turned right around and confronted me head on and said something like, “You don’t know me or my situation, so how dare you make assumptions? You had better just watch yourself, because you aren’t exactly skinny, and you don’t know what kinds of events can happen with your health that will land you where I am one day.”

I wanted to just dig a hole and hide. I was so humiliated. I tried to be indignant and roll my eyes and get smart with her, but I just didn’t have it in me. I was shamed. I never did live that down, and I was even ashamed to look at my own best friend after that.

If you come out your mouth with something inappropriate, you are not a good judge of the appropriateness of what comes out of the mouth of the offended party.

Shakes, I’m not saying what you did was on the level of what I did.

[Dogzilla]

@Dinsdale

The situation in the OP impresses me as a pretty mild example of the numerous bonehead moves I made with my kids over the years. I think the only way to avoid such stupid things is to undesireably constrain open communication with your kids. You talk enough, and some percentage of the things you say will be stupid. So then you try to use that as a teaching moment. Meanwhile, the world keeps turning.

IMO, the most significant teaching opportunity would be “Wait til we’re in the car.” I can’t think of how many times we were various places, and either the kids or we parents would want to talk about something as we left and headed to the car. But you only have to be overheard once to realize anything you wouldn’t say to someone’s face is best left until you are in the car w/ the doors and windows closed.

Better yet, it might be best left unsaid entirely.

[Kaio]

Yes, people fuck up, and their mouths get away from them, and sometimes they say stupid things. I think the important thing to remember here, is that for these to remain in “mild fuck up, lesson learned” territory the key is to actually accept the consequences with grace, admit your fuck-up, and resolve to do better next time.

The world did not come crashing down when Shakes called them “sexy mommas.” BUT it WAS a fuck-up, it was an inappropriate thing to say out loud, an inappropriate attitude to hold, and he deserved the (also mild) consequences he got – being called out on it.

The part that’s missing here is “accepting the consequences with grace” (he tried to make excuses, both to the women at the time, and to us here), and “resolving to do better” (he came here first to try to get a pat on the back that it wasn’t so bad, really; he only resolved to do better after it became clear he wasn’t going to get any support here either).

[Grrr]

@Kaio

Yes, people fuck up, and their mouths get away from them, and sometimes they say stupid things. I think the important thing to remember here, is that for these to remain in “mild fuck up, lesson learned” territory the key is to actually accept the consequences with grace, admit your fuck-up, and resolve to do better next time.

The world did not come crashing down when Shakes called them “sexy mommas.” BUT it WAS a fuck-up, it was an inappropriate thing to say out loud, an inappropriate attitude to hold, and he deserved the (also mild) consequences he got – being called out on it.

The part that’s missing here is “accepting the consequences with grace” (he tried to make excuses, both to the women at the time, and to us here), and “resolving to do better” (he came here first to try to get a pat on the back that it wasn’t so bad, really; he only resolved to do better after it became clear he wasn’t going to get any support here either).

OK. I was going to retire from this thread but people in this thread keep saying that I was trying to defend my actions.

Please point out to me where in this thread I have done that. I haven’t. As far as the apology (to the women) goes, please keep in mind hind sight is 20/20. People don’t always say the exact right thing at the exact right time.

Sure I should have said sorry and left it at that. But I didn’t. Because you know, it was an intense moment and I was caught off guard by this woman yelling at me for a comment I never intended for her to hear.

The only thing Ive been defensive about is people telling me what a horrible father I am.

Here you go guys, in case you missed it in the first two pages:

What I did was fucked up

**I had not ONE but TWO talks with my son as to why what I did was fucked up. **

[colander]

@Shakes

OK. I was going to retire from this thread but people in this thread keep saying that I was trying to defend my actions.

Please point out to me where in this thread I have done that.

ok

@Shakes

Sure I should have said sorry and left it at that. But I didn’t. Because you know, it was an intense moment and I was caught off guard by this woman yelling at me for a comment I never intended for her to hear.

you’re welcome

[MacCat]

@colander

you’re welcome

He wasn’t defending his actions, he was explaining why he screwed up the apology.

[Grrr]

@colander

ok

you’re welcome

When come back make sense.

[Kaio]

@Shakes

OK. I was going to retire from this thread but people in this thread keep saying that I was trying to defend my actions.

Please point out to me where in this thread I have done that.

To them:

@Shakes

I immediately apologize and tried to explain to her I was just messing with my son.

To us:

But really, how bad was that?

FWIW, I do and have always taught my son to b e respectful of women. That said ,there aint nothing wrong with looking. (As long as your not creepy about it.)

There are likely more examples in your later posts but I don’t feel like digging through 4 pages of posts all over again given it’s right there in the very first post.

That said, I guess you missed the rest of my post, which was saying that No, the world has not ended because you fucked up. You messed up mildly, the women mildly called you out on it. You tried to get us to back you up that it wasn’t “really” that bad, and we called you out on it. Moderate screw-ups got moderate consequences. Seems pretty balanced to me.

[miss_elizabeth]

@Shakes

When come back make sense.

That made total sense. You just don’t like what said.

[Grrr]

@Kaio

To them:

To us:

There are likely more examples in your later posts but I don’t feel like digging through 4 pages of posts all over again given it’s right there in the very first post.

That said, I guess you missed the rest of my post, which was saying that No, the world has not ended because you fucked up. You messed up mildly, the women mildly called you out on it. You tried to get us to back you up that it wasn’t “really” that bad, and we called you out on it. Moderate screw-ups got moderate consequences. Seems pretty balanced to me.

And I also said in my OP that I behaved in a juvenile way. I didn’t miss the part of your post that said this wasn’t the worst fuck up ever. I agree with you on that. What I disagree with you on is that I’m devoid of regret and that I was trying to defend my so called right to cat call women.

I’ll conceed that “But Really” part in my OP could easily be perceived as me trying to poison the well. That wasn’t my intent. Sorry.

[Grrr]

@miss_elizabeth

That made total sense. You just don’t like what said.

No it didn’t, please read Macat’s last post.

[CrazyCatLady]

@Jragon

This is also, incidentally, why I have the “have fun walking 5 miles home!” rule when guys ride in my car. Thank god I haven’t had to deal with anybody who would do it in 4 or so years, but I used to drive people to/from school who really, really wanted to catcall. I had to lock the windows and once I really DID kick one of the assholes out of my car for breaking the rule and made them walk about 4 miles home. Seriously. Fuck that shit. It’s obnoxious, it’s rude, and on a selfish level I really don’t want a girl throwing a rock at my car because you were an asshole. I might make an exception if we all know the girl and she’d find it kind of funny, but that scenario never came up so…

Thank you. You probably did more good booting that one guy out of your car than several dozen hostile responses to women would have. Frankly, guys who pull this kind of crap don’t give a flying fuck what women think on the subject. If they did, they’d keep their goddamn comments to themselves because they KNOW we hate this shit. A guy’s opinion carries a lot more weight with this sort of asshole, so kudos for using your influence for good. I wish for the sake of my two little nieces and all the other little girls in the world that there were more guys like you so they would never have to go through the kind of stuff I and the other women in this thread have.

[Lamia]

@Shakes

Sure I should have said sorry and left it at that. But I didn’t. Because you know, it was an intense moment and I was caught off guard by this woman yelling at me for a comment I never intended for her to hear.

Oh, so she was yelling now, was she?

[Grrr]

@Lamia

Oh, so she was yelling now, was she?

I really hope this is a woosh because it made me laugh.

[Kaio]

Shakes, I think you may be confusing “not regretting your actions” with “not accepting the consequences with grace.” I think you’ve made it clear that you regret what you said. My main point was that had you accepted the consequences (being called out) with grace, this thread wouldn’t even exist. You wanted some reassurance that it wasn’t that bad, so you started a thread here; and while that’s human, it wasn’t a case of you owning your screw-up and it wasn’t that graceful.

So, to answer your original question, was it that bad? No, it wasn’t terrible, but her response was proportional to your offense. Your response to her response wasn’t the most graceful thing I’ve ever seen… but I’ve seen worse there, too.

[Grrr]

@Kaio

Shakes, I think you may be confusing “not regretting your actions” with “not accepting the consequences with grace.” I think you’ve made it clear that you regret what you said. My main point was that had you accepted the consequences (being called out) with grace, this thread wouldn’t even exist. You wanted some reassurance that it wasn’t that bad, so you started a thread here; and while that’s human, it wasn’t a case of you owning your screw-up and it wasn’t that graceful.
So, to answer your original question, was it that bad? No, it wasn’t terrible, but her response was proportional to your offense. Your response to her response wasn’t the most graceful thing I’ve ever seen… but I’ve seen worse there, too.

OK I can accept that. Thanks.

[Nzinga_Seated]

@Shakes

I really hope this is a woosh because it made me laugh.

Oh, so now you think this is all funny. You think sexual harrassment is a joke??

[Grrr]

@Nzinga_Seated

Oh, so now you think this is all funny. You think sexual harrassment is a joke??

[Dinsdale]

This morning on the drive into work I found myself remembering my teenage daughters commenting on various “hotties”! I guess I succeeded in raising both sows and boars. Or, perhaps, observing and even commenting on attractive people does not in all cases necessarily amount to sexual harrassment.