Women Dopers: how often are you harassed/catcalled/groped in public?

In My Humble Opinion
1

This is in regards to this thread about catcalling.

I am extremely surprised and disturbed about how this seems to be just another day in the life for the everyday woman.

As much as you are comfortable revealing can you please indicate your age, location, and the frequency and type.

By type I’m meaning from mild: “how you doing?”
to lewd: “hey can I suck on those titties?”
to harassing: being followed and shouted at “Why you ignoring me bitch? You too good for me?”

Obviously, what one considers mild another might consider harassment. I’m just trying to set a relative baseline.

Also, do you tend to notice if there is any racial or socioeconomic distinction in the men who do this?

2

Thanks for starting this. I think it would be really helpful if we included location, as in my experience it varies hugely from city to city, and from rural to suburban to urban environments.

Reposted from that thread:

I get really creepy stuff, like someone following me for more than two blocks, or plausibly threatening to physically harm me, once or twice a year.

3

Pacific Northwest, small urban area.
27.
Mild, around once a week–generally taking the form of teenagers hollering at me from their cars as they pass me on my bicycle.

4

New York City, 24. Usually mild. Maybe a few times a month? Not enough to really bother me (but then again, I’m the rare woman who actually likes it, so…yeah.)

When I lived in Harlem, it happened almost every time I left my building and it was pretty gross and annoying. I guess because it was so often and the guys in question were pretty skeevy. I only had one guy yell at me for being “uppity” because I was ignoring him and finally told him to fuck off when he wouldn’t stop hitting on me. But I guess I just chalk that up to it being Harlem and those guys probably knowing that I was way out of their league. (No offense to any catcalling lower class guys who may be reading this.)

5

Up here I don’t, because I am almost always in my car and people aren’t anonymous enough to do it in town.

In NYC, I would have assumed I would get some kind of catcalls maybe half the time when walking alone in Manhattan, although in my neighborhood in the Bronx it was quieter.

In DC, for sure I got talked to every time I was walking, usually by the guys on the street. That’s the neighborhood I worked in.

6

I would say that the severe harassment occurred a lot more when I was younger- 12 to 18. I’m talking men shouting absolutely horrific things about what they wanted to do to me, asking why I was such a stuck up bitch for not talking to them, and even guys physically assaulting me.

When I was in 8th grade, I was waiting to take a bus to a friend’s house because my mom was out of town. While sitting on the bus bench, I counted 15 various things shouted at me from different cars, all men whistling, cat calling, hitting on me, etc. One pick up truck kept driving by, slower and slower each time. Finally, after about 5 passes (they hadn’t actually said anything, just staring), the guys pulled over on my side of the road, about 20 feet ahead of me. The both jumped out of the truck hurridly, grabbed things out of the back of the truck (I don’t know what they were, but both had something black and long that fit into the palm of their hand-- looking back, I’m thinking some sort of knife), and started to come at me with their eyes huge. Right before they got to me, one guy grabbed the other and said, “Dude, it’s not worth it.” The other guy looked me up and down, then they turned and left. I was terrified.

The next stand out moment was a year later, freshman year of high school- I was running each evening to train for the tennis team and without fail, every time I would pass this one house, I’d get creepy stares. Finally, about the third time I went by, a large man grabbed me and started kissing me. I was fourteen years old and he had to have been at least 30. I kicked him and pushed him away from me, but he kept kissing me. I eventually got away and I still, at 23, can’t bring myself to go for walks in the evening alone.

Those are the two major scary things I remember, but I definitely got mild and lewd harassment every single day, several times a day. Now that I’m older and not nearly as cute (;)), I probably get some sort of mild “how are you” stuff once a day, the more lewd stuff once a week, and the super severe stuff once every few months.

And I guess if you want me to stereotype, I’d say the mild “how are you doing?” with a big smile stuff- the polite and sweet but maybe annoying stuff- comes mostly from African Americans guys. The lewd stuff I notice more from Hispanic men (maybe this is because I speak Spanish so I catch stuff I otherwise wouldn’t). And the horrible, borderline violent harassment is almost universally from white guys. In my limited experience, the white guys seem way way way angrier when they get rejected, where as the others tend to just smile and shrug it off.

7

I do think it’s important to point out where you live, and how often you walk or take public transport alone or with other women. For example, even while living in the same place here in Minneapolis, it started happening more as I walked and bicycled more. When I worked in the suburbs, I imagine the harassment was very infrequent because I drove a lot. People would have to be hardcore harassers if they found the time to bother me between my front door and my vehicle, and my vehicle and the front door of the office.

So in LA:
Light bothering, such as whistling or “Hey Baby” - Daily
Lewdness - Twice a week
Harassing and/or threatening - Once a month. Harassing was more common than threats. I think I was threatened twice the entire time.

In Mpls:
Light bothering - Twice a week
Lewdness - Once a month
Harassing and/or threatening - Four or five times a year

Oh yes. Poorer neighborhoods = more bullshit, but it still happens everywhere. It happens to me less now, and I don’t know if that’s because people in Mpls do it less frequently than people in LA, or if it’s because I live in a nicer neighborhood now. I suspect it’s both.

As for the racial aspect, this is what has been my experience. Hispanic men seem to do it the most frequently. When I lived in a largely Hispanic neighborhood, I am shitting you not when I say it happened almost everyday. Black men are the most likely to get their panties in a wad when rejected. I’ve had more, “Stuck up bitch” remarks from Black men than anyone. And White men are the crudest. I don’t know why White guys think it’s okay to inform me of their desire to “suck on [my] tits,” but they do.

8

I’m 38, I live in Boston, but I’ve spent a fair amount of time in NYC and DC. Because I think it’s relevant, I’ll mention that I don’t drive, so I either walk or take public transportation every day.

Mild - Probably daily (please see caveat below)
Lewd - Much, much more rarely. Maybe a few times a year, and I think that’s probably overstating it.
Harassing - Once that I recall as an adult, although I think it probably happened a couple of times when I was a teenager, and was perpetuated by other teenagers.

And hence my caveat… I don’t consider a non-leering "Hey beautiful"or “How you doing?” to be any sort of “harassment”, and I frankly think that finding it so is a bit unhinged. THAT is what happens to me daily. Now, those things can certainly be said with a leer, which changes the complexion of the interaction (without necessarily pushing it to “lewd”), but that happens *maybe *once a month or so.

In my experience, younger men and “blue collar” guys are more likely to do the “Hey beautiful” thing. My experiences with the more unfortunate levels of street harassment aren’t plentiful enough for me to draw any conclusions from.

9

32, Asian-American, live in Los Angeles.

It comes and it goes. I walk to work, so there’s a 45-minute window each day where I’m out in public. Most of the time, I get nothing. But every now and then, I get whistled at or a “Hey, baby!” from a passing car. I’ve had guys stare at me and mumble come-ons as I walked past them. I usually have sunglasses and my iPod on, so I’m sure I’ve missed some stuff.

Weirdest one was the old man on the bus a couple weekends ago who, as he stepped off the bus, told me, “You’re beautiful,” no fewer than five times while holding eye contact.

I’ve never been touched or yelled at or followed, or felt the need to alter my route.

I consider everything I’ve experienced to be mild, something to laugh about with friends, if I even bring it up. None of it was harassment to me.

Can’t give you much of a profile on the guys, sorry. All were young/middle-aged blue-collar Hispanic men, probably, but then again so’s a good chunk of my neighborhood.

10

I’ve only ever had a few mild instances when I was in college/grad school in Upstate NY. Now I live in a nice suburb in the Twin Cities, and I drive to and from work, and I haven’t had any catcalls in years.

30, white

11

Mild: Daily, unless I don’t leave my apartment. It ranges from overwhelmingly complimentary and harmless (you look pretty in that dress!) to amusing (bad pick-up lines and offers to be my new boyfriend) to mildly annoying.

Lewd: Once in a while. It was more often in my teens and 20’s, declining in frequency as I got older but it still happens several times a year.

Harassing: A couple dozen times in my life.

Mild is done by any age male, and 99.9% of the time makes me smile.

Lewd tends to be done by groups of males in their teens to early 30’s or much older males (60’s to 70’s). It can be very uncomfortable, and the best way around it is to avoid men in groups. You learn to get a feel from a distance for who is going to behave like this, and it’s usually easiest to avoid the situation alltogether. Direct confrontation and calling them on it does one of four things; laughter followed by progressively worse comments, items being thrown at you (such as sodas), shock followed by shame-faced silence, perhaps denial or an out and out apology. It’s nearly impossible to tell beforehand which reaction you will end up with if you confront lewd harasssers, so avoiding or ignoring the comments is easiest.

Harassing can come from anyone, and it tends to be mostly unexpected.

46, live in Hoboken, work in Manhattan.

12

Middle aged, New Jersey

Not anymore, but as a teenager in an urban environment, there would would be mild to ‘mean’ comments maybe every couple weeks or so. Not any severe harassment.

From groups of men, on the street or from cars were the most frequent. I tried to avoid passing/being in areas in guys tended to hang out. I may have been spit at a few times.

13

28, Calgary, Alberta.

Mild: Usually just a stare as they drive by or a whistle, never a comment - probably once every couple of days.

Lewd: Maybe once a year.

Harrassing: Never.

14

I’m with DianaG, in that I don’t consider many things that others consider harrassment to be even one. Shrugs… Sometimes I don’t even notice it until someone else points it out.

I grew up in Puerto Rico, lived in Gainesville (FL), Baton Rouge (LA), and Athens (GA). I’ve lived in NYC and Brazil a little while… at least enough that every day I was in the streets using public transport or walking (even more so than my other places). And I didn’t get a car until a year after living in Baton Rouge, and I still used public transport or walked on occasion.

In Puerto Rico (duh), most of the comments where from Puerto Ricans (construction workers, homeless guys, guys on cars). But it was usually what would be considered “mild” in your scale (nonharrassment to me)… When I was younger, and more scared of humanity in general, it scared me. The same way strangers in general scared me. Now that I’m older, I ignore.

I think catcallers in general have either been white college guys (see the towns I’ve lived in), or minority non-college men… as to how I know they’re not in college? They either say it, they look like it, they’re working in construction, they’re out at times a normal college student would be at school or wouldn’t be caught dead in the town.

Have never, EVER, in all the years I’ve walked alone, got into stupid places, walked where I shouldn’t at times I shouldn’t, travelled by myself, etc., gotten anything more than the “mild” category (and whistles)… And no, I’m not bothered by those, particularly if I’m dressed up. When I’m dressed down in t-shirts and jeans it is a bit weird, but again, blah.

The worst insulting comments have come from white preppy college students. Those were not catcalls, those were plain old “You’re ugly and look like a whale”- comments.

I think DianaG pointed out something important in the other thread. Statistically speaking, it is not the catcallers a woman should be worried about. Shrugs

I also notice that the more confident I act and look, the following happens:

  1. I get less catcalls or comments (both good or bad).

  2. I only get catcalls if I’m dressed up.

  3. I’m confident enough to keep walking and continue with my day.

And one last thing… The last time I remember getting a catcall was about a month ago, and that was the ONLY catcall I got of a week of walking by myself through the crowded streets of Salvador, Bahia, Brasil. And oh yea, thinking about when was the last time it happened is weird, because it happens so rarely, and if it does, I don’t always register or think about it.

15

Holy shit, Diosa! That gave me shivers just reading it. :eek:

If anyone ever recommends the novel *The Double Bind *by Chris Bohjalian to you, don’t read it.

16

As I posted in the other thread I get catcalled on a somewhat frequent basis. A few times a month probably (and followed down the street by some asshole 3 or 4 times a year) unless I take Creepy-Old-Guy into account. Then I get catcalled and harrassed every single day. He is about 70 and sits in a chair outside his apartment and yells things at me in spanish when I’m on my way home from work. After about 3 days I looked up what agarraderas meant and now I just want to punch the creepy old guy in the face. I won’t though because he is not of any danger to me, but the fact that he does this with a dozen young men around and basically leads them to believe by his example that this is okay behavior makes me feel like he could use a punching.

27, NYC

17

I’m 35, and live in a major metropolis. I’ll repeat what I said in the thread that inspired this.

I have had car-callers rev their engines and turn suddenly toward me TWICE in the past 5 months. Every encounter is not the problem. The problem is that once in every two to three excursions, I will get a cat caller. Of those, one in 6 or 7 will get upset if I ignore them or ask them to stop, and escalate to full on harassment, including name calling and possible following, so that’s what, once every 2-3 weeks. Maybe one in ten of THOSE move on to obstructing my path or some other threatening behavior. So that’s once every 6-10 months or so. I must admit I’ve only had my ass grabbed 3 times, and my chest grabbed twice, total, ever, and I’ve only pulled my weapon once, as the ahem gentleman ahem in question pulled a knife on me.

18

Not very often.

Once a gas station guy near my house said something about my dress.

Once I was in Israel and two guys drove by, yelled something out the window, and went on their way.

Once a fruit vendor asked me if I was married and if I lived in the city or visited often. That was weird.

19

The majority of the dozen young men around him probably DO NOT believe what he is doing is OK, and they also suspect you probably don’t know what he is saying most of the time. That said, just with what happens in other situations, most people do not intervene if it does not affect anyone they know. Hence, they don’t come out to protect you or call out to him. And who knows, perhaps they do talk to him, but shrug him off like the crazy old racist uncle one has to endure at family reunions. You’re probably overestimating his influence.

And I’m sure you meant the slang for “agarradera”, as the normal use of that word is “handle”. I can imagine what type of “lovehandle” he was speaking about, though, albeit it is not my slang.

20

KarlGrenze, I think this is a thread for reporting/sharing experiences, not telling other people why you don’t think their harassment is as bad as they think it is.