aka, “more than you ever wanted to know about my heathenistic sex life” (your cue NOT to read this, Dad…)
So… my long-distance lover, who I’ve not seen since May, is coming to visit for a week next month. glee
Her boyfriend (also my lover) lives with me; he also hasn’t seen her since May.
We’ve been an ongoing threesome for about 6-7 months now, and up to about a month ago, my relationship with both of them was of an open sort of “friends-with-benefits” nature, at least in the paperwork. It came to our attention (when I showed interest in pursuing a monogamous relationship outside of this arrangement) that “friends-with-benefits” failed to acknowledge the emotional connections that had developed… namely, that we’re all in love with each other. These two want to get married & grow old together, however, whereas their relationship with me is considered by all a “quality short-term relationship”, so I try to be respectful of what they have, make sure I’m not getting in the way of their satisfaction with each other, to the best of my ability.
Pretty much since the beginning, there’s been a lot of concern on his part that what she & I have is deeper, and inappropriately so, than the corresponding relationship between him and me. I do sense that they feel differently towards me, but I don’t think her love for me equals or surpasses what she feels for him, as she’s made clear that though it would disappoint her, she’d give me up if he asked.
As part of the threesome-deal, he and I sleep together when she isn’t here. She’s totally fine with this in the context of our being what we call a ‘monogamous threesome.’ We decided a while back that yes, we were going to have another threesome, and my relationships with both of them would remain sexual at least up to that point. However… he’s recently requested that he be able to reserve the right, when she visits, to spend as much time alone with her as he feels he needs to, maybe the whole time she’s here, and fit in some threesome stuff “if there’s time.” I immediately objected to this on the grounds that it would hurt me and suck immensely to be faced with the possibility of not touching my lover during the short time she’s here, so if he needed to reserve this right to feel that things are fair to him, I would simply exercise my right to leave. She objected on grounds that it would not be fair to her, saying that if he wanted her to be ok with not being my lover while she’s here and spending all of her time with him, he had to stop being my lover in the meanwhile. He’s refused to do that, saying that would simply be punishment.
He’s upset because she didn’t have the instinct he would have in a similar situation, which would be to say “sure, baby, I’ll spend as much time with you as you need no matter what, because sure I’d like to fuck this other person if possible, but you’re what’s most important to me.” He thinks the way she’s acting makes the threesome primary and default, rather than his relationship with her, and it’s to the point now that he’s questioning whether they’re even compatible as lifemates as he thinks she would never be happy/satisfied having just him… and yet neither of them wants to end it. I’ve asked them both if they’d like me to back out, and they both urge me not to. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be the source of problems between them; I want them to be happy, but if I do what my conscience tells me to and leave to preserve their relationship, I’m taking the responsibility of prioritizing it out of their hands.
I’m at a complete loss. I don’t know what’s fair or what’s not anymore; I don’t know if it even matters. So quickly with the magical Dope! before I go looking for the other kind. =P
[I’d like to hear any & all thoughts you had while reading this, not just the helpful/positive ones. Chances are I’ll learn something from it. =) ]