Just got back from a week at Disney World. Just as every Muslim must make the pilgrimage to Mecca, so must every American take his family to pay homage to the Mouse, and glory in his works.
My father took me 30 years ago. It is comforting to know that while so many things in life are transient and malleable, Disneyworld is forever. It was just like I left it. Space Mountain. Small World with it’s uncomfortably stereotypical singing dolls from all different races. They messed up Pirates of the Caribean though. Even the Jungle Cruise was exactly as I left it.
We went to Epcot and went around the World trying all the World’s Cuisines. I was surprised to learn that everybody in the whole world eats that same bad hamburger meat. They just fry it up in different Pastry. Saw MGM and Blizzard Beach, stayed at the Polynesian Resort. I had breakfast with Lilo and Stitch, and dinner with Cinderella, Prince Charming, and the Stepsisters. I watched Mushu the dragon staggering from heat stroke after hugging my daughter.
Most importantly I learned that even if you went around the World at Epcot and had frosty beverages in England, Germany, Ireland, France, Mexico, India, and Japan you are still not allowed to kiss Sleeping Beauty while posing for a picture. They really don’t like that.
I conquered Everest and my daughter and I came back for the “extra Magic Hours” and rode it ten times (we counted.) Saw the Yeti.
Both daughters went to the Bibbity Boppity Boutique and had their hair, faces, nails done, and got dressed up like Princesses ($400.)
Rode a boat, saw a Luau, carried my daughter on my head while she ate cheetos, wiping her hands off on my head and face until it looked like I had Jaundice. We went on a Safari, saw them open the park, saw them close the park, saw the fireworks.
Pluto bent down to give my daughter a hug and her whole head disapeared in his mouth.
Disney is very friendly to the handicapped, and I appreciate that. I got mad though, like I always do, at those who take advantage of this by taking those handicap scooters when they don’t need them. Saw some egregious examples.
I did all this and I have 173 photos to prove it.
But I also had dinner with gorillas. Now, I’m not generally prejudiced and I try to have an open and inclusive mind, but I do admit that my eyes went up when I learned that the Rainforest Cafe at the Animal Kingdom is full of gorillas. Now, they are animatronic gorillas which you think would make it ok, but it doesn’t.
You see, every ten or fifteen minutes they have a “thunderstorm” and during the thunderstorm the animatronic gorillas totally wig out all over the place, jumping up and down, waving their arms, hooting and making very loud gorilla sounds.
Welll, I’m sitting there, with my family trying to have dinner and all these gorillas are going nuts, just like clockwork every fifteen minutes.
Halfway through dinner the waitress comes over to ask if everything is fine. I say “the food is good, but…”
Wait for it…
Keep waiting…
Wait a little bit more…
Next one, I promise…
"How are we supposed to have dinner with all these Gorillas in the midst?
In that shining moment, for the first and only time, I broke through the plastic smile of a Disney Cast Member, and a look of pure disgust flashed across her face.