Laws that Murphy forgot to write down

[figure9]

Fixing one thing causes another thing to break.

You can’t get something clean without getting something else dirty. But it is possible to get everything dirty while getting nothing clean.

[Boyo_Jim]

Whatever can go wrong has already gone wrong. You just aren’t aware of it yet.

[Cat_Whisperer]

@sevenwood

…and I thought that only happened when I play a round of golf.

…and I thought that only happened when I was out walking in sub-zero temperatures with wind chill.

[OttoDaFe]

No matter how many trips you make to the hardware store, there will still be at least one tool or part you don’t have.

(And one that I read a long time ago: a fifty-dollar transistor protected by a five-cent fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.)

[MHaye]

@njtt

It appears that your sig fell victim to Murphy’s Law of Sigs.

What, “not everyone views sigs?” Yes, I suppose that would be a problem.

(I can see my sig in that post, so I suspect you’ve got sigs turned off in your account settings. Shall I quote it, or make you wonder what it says for evermore? I’ll think about it ;))

[Fugazi]

@Bam_Boo_Gut

Round these parts it will only rain once you’ve washed the car, negating the job.

Unless of course you’re washing your car in order to make it rain. Then you invoke the part of Murphy’s law that states “Murphy’s law doesn’t work”.

[Superhal]

I used to dare fate by washing my car and trying to induce rain. That night, my car got rear-ended by a drunk driver.

[Superhal]

Whatever you need will go on sale 2 weeks after you buy it.

If you do need something on sale, you will forget the coupon.

If you bring the coupon, the store will be sold out…yet happy to “call around” for you.

[Polly_Glot]

The minute you have your living/family room and kids’ bedrooms cleaned up to perfection, Grandma will dump 3-4 large trash bags full of Lego-like objects off on you.

[ivan_astikov]

The probability of a “meteorite” falling off your spliff and landing on your clothing, is directly proportional to how much you like the item it lands on.

[Superhal]

The chance of getting hit by bird poop or stepping in dog poop is higher in the morning than the afternoon.

[DiggitCamara]

If you feel a sneeze coming on, these outcomes are possible:

1. You have no tissue paper available . You’ll sneeze, messily
2. You have a tissue paper readily available. The sneezy feeling will wane
3. You have a tissue paper right by your hand but for some reason you won’t be able to get it into your hand. You’ll sneeze, messily

[Sailboat]

@Swallowed_My_Cellphone

The pets will only become critically ill requiring emergency vet care when you have finally saved up enough for your planned major purchase.

Corollary: most veterinary emergencies occur after dark on Sunday night. Our cat had four emergency crises in one year and all four were on Sunday night.

[Cat_Whisperer]

@ivan_astikov

The probability of a “meteorite” falling off your spliff and landing on your clothing, is directly proportional to how much you like the item it lands on.

That’s related to the clean clothes/falling food law - the cleaner your clothes are, the more likely they are to get food on them when you eat. And nothing, NOTHING attracts spaghetti sauce more than a clean, white shirt.

[kayaker]

@ivan_astikov

You can guarantee that if you are cycling into a strong headwind, if you turn around to cycle the other way, the wind will change direction.

Works on the water as well. I paddle upstream into the wind for two hours, only to turn around and paddle downstream into an even stronger wind.

[Antinor01]

@ivan_astikov

If you are waiting for a bus and decide to walk to the next stop, a bus will arrive just as you are in the middle point of the two stops.

You will then spend valuable seconds dithering over which stop to run to, by which time, the bus will have drove past you as though you didn’t exist.

Rule of buses part 2; for every bus going the direction you need to go, there will be 4 going the other direction.

[Spectre_of_Pithecanthropus]

For any musician, whether trying to record yourself alone, or with a band: The best performance is always the last one before you hit “record”.

[Duke]

@ianzin

If you go half-way round the world to visit one specific site or attraction that has been on your ‘must see before I die’ list for years, it will turn out to be closed. Further checking will reveal that it is only closed one day per year, for renovation work or stock-taking or something, and it’s the day you’re there. And it’s the ONLY day you can be there.

This law is also known as the “National Lampoon’s Vacation” law.

We have three cats at our house, and there is a law for each of them.

Louie’s Law of Cat Vomit: No matter how much of your house is covered in easy-to-clean linoleum or tile, your cat will not vomit there.

Marigold’s Law of Cat Playfulness: Cats are playful animals when you’re busy doing something intricate or trying to talk on the phone or something else which keeps you indisposed. As soon as you have time to pay attention to the cat, however, it will lose interest.

India’s Law of Cat Motivation: Cats are not there for you. You are there for the cats. Remember this when the cat wants to be with you.

[Superhal]

Purrphy’s Laws:

1. Cats will only rub against your shins when you are carrying a large package and can’t see them.

2. Cats will only wake you up at 7am on Saturdays, Sundays, and holidays.

3. A cat’s favorite place to clean their claws are the places they’re not allowed to clean their claws.

4. Dogs will roll in smelly garbage only on bath days.

5. Dogs have a 200 word vocabulary, therefore, if they don’t understand what you are saying, they are actually ignoring you.

6. The only time a dog wants to lick your face is after drinking from the toilet or after licking their anus.

[Ranchoth]

“If you can’t see him, he’s right behind you.”
—Ranchoth’s Axiom on Dogfighting