Laws that Murphy forgot to write down

For me, at work as a hotel night auditor: It doesn’t matter what time you run the audit, someone will come to check in just as you’re putting away the paperwork.

In life: The softer the fabric of your clothing, the harsher the tag and thread will be. (Last night, I wore a wonderfully soft 100% cotton sweater to work. The tag might have been made of sandpaper impregnated with fiberglass. Tonight, it’s a silk sweater, and the nylon threads in the seams are scratching me like crazy.)

As a mom/wife/housekeeper: No one ever needs anything unless (a) I’m on the phone, (b) I’m on my way out the door to work, © I just finally dozed off, (d) I’m in the bathroom, or (e) there’s no time to reasonably obtain said item. (e.g. The milk never runs out after breakfast on a leisurely Saturday morning: only before breakfast on a crazy school day. And gym clothes aren’t dirty until 5:30 or 6:00 am on PE days.)

The rules of Magical MommyVision:
The dog only gets hungry when Mom looks at him.
The baby only has a messy diaper when Mom looks at it, never when her daddy is checking.
The garbage bag isn’t full until Mom sees it.

How does Murphy challenge you on a regular basis?

When I go to use the washroom, someone will always be in it. It doesn’t matter if I go right away, or put it off because I know that someone will be already be in there.

You can guarantee that if you are cycling into a strong headwind, if you turn around to cycle the other way, the wind will change direction.

For me:

The only time it rains is 5 minutes after we start walking the dog. If it started earlier, we could get our jackets and umbrellas before we go out. But no, it always rains 5 minutes after we start.

It also rains when I need to wash the car (I only have time to do it Sundays.)

When my bills are all paid and I finally have some money to save, an unexpected expense will pop up (taxes, repairs, presents, etc.)

I think this is a great idea for a thread. I wish I had something clever to add but all I got is…

If I’m involved, expect it to be fucked up soon.

Boy, no kidding. I don’t even have to utter the words - if I just think “Hey, looks like we can save $xxx this month” something will happen that costs $xxx + yy. Every time.

If you are waiting for a bus and decide to walk to the next stop, a bus will arrive just as you are in the middle point of the two stops.

You will then spend valuable seconds dithering over which stop to run to, by which time, the bus will have drove past you as though you didn’t exist.

No matter what time you turn on the tv there will be at least 5 minutes of commercials.

When you finally get a chance to watch that tv show you like but always seem to miss, it will be an episode you’ve already seen.

When you put something away so you’ll “be able to find it later,” you will never, ever see it again. Until you buy a replacement. If it’s a receipt you needed, you’ll find it after the warranty period has run out. Other than that, you’ll never see it again.

Can I come in again?

A friend was faced with this very problem a couple of decades ago, and she devised on the spot the perfect solution: She sat down at the table, wrote out an excuse, and sealed it in an envelope with instructions to give it to his coach at time for P.E.

The excuse?

The coach complied with her request. He never forgot to put his gym clothes in the wash after that. (It didnt hurt matters any that they were doing something he’d looked forward to that week in gym class.)

Ianzin’s Law Of Difficult Purchase Decisions

Whenever you make any major purchase, three days later you will meet a friend who turns out to be spectacularly well-informed about that specific market and all the options you tried to weigh up, who can prove in five minutes that (a) you’ve made a ridiculously bad choice and (b) there were at least half a dozen far, far better options that even a child can see would have made more sense and saved you a lot of money.

However if, during the pre-purchase ‘evaluating options’ phase, you ask around to see if anyone you know can be be of any help, or can help you hack your way through all the conflicting advice and sales literature, no-one knows anything. It’s as if you’re literally the first person on Earth to make such a purchase.


The strength, durability and adhesive power of duct tape varies inversely with the importance of its assigned role.


If you rush to the departure gate, killing yourself in the process because apparently they are 30 seconds away from sealing the doors and refusing any more passengers, turns out they haven’t even started boarding and the plane’s been delayed 50 minutes anyway. If you stroll there in a leisurely relaxed fashion, smugly aware that you are way ahead of schedule, turns out they closed boarding 30 seconds ago and you mis-read the signs.


If you go half-way round the world to visit one specific site or attraction that has been on your ‘must see before I die’ list for years, it will turn out to be closed. Further checking will reveal that it is only closed one day per year, for renovation work or stock-taking or something, and it’s the day you’re there. And it’s the ONLY day you can be there.


The more trouble you go to to organise a party, the more thick and fast the lame ‘Sorry I can’t make it’ excuses will pour in from supposed dear friends, the vast majority of whom you know could make it perfectly well if they wanted.

…and I thought that only happened when I play a round of golf.

The pets will only become critically ill requiring emergency vet care when you have finally saved up enough for your planned major purchase.

See my sig. The first rule is well known; the second not so much.

The more channels you have, the number of channels with “nothing to watch” approaches infinity.

When there is something to watch, there’s always 2 things you want to watch, and their commercials overlap.

When you try to watch 2 shows at the same time, you will always forget to switch back and forth fast enough, thereby missing both shows instead of one show.

The only things worth watching are the movies that you already own on DVD, thus making you feel guilty watching them.

When you do watch a movie you already own, you get violently angry when they cut out “the good parts” for network TV.

It appears that your sig fell victim to Murphy’s Law of Sigs.

BrotherCadfael’s Law: “One size fits all”…doesn’t.

Yes! I know this to be true.

Also, if you nearly run into someone at work, it will happen at least one more time that day, usually several more times.

If you pick a random locker in the changing room at the YMCA, one right next to it will be in use when you need to change clothes again. This effect is so strong, I used it successfully to locate my forgotten locker after a workout.

Walt

I’m convinced that some tv shows have only filmed one or two episodes, because you can tune in a dozen times and only ever see those…

Oh, yes, the infamous “Let me put this where I’ll be able to find it later.” The magic phrase that apparently opens a portal into an alternate universe - possibly the one inhabited by all of the socks…

I love your friend, and will gladly buy her a drink. I’m totally stealing her note, BTW.

Round these parts it will only rain once you’ve washed the car, negating the job.