I am in a similar situation, I found out that my husband had cheated on me with six women while i was away. he has herpes and so do I from him, However we were in love , married and supposedly monogamous. However after 8 years of marriage I found out he had been having sex with women (six to be precise) of a sex dating site for people with std’s. At the time he was doing this we were also sexually active , and I had no idea that he had been with so many women. The fact is that I am now divorcing him and have also found out only last week that he has given me genital warts, when I confronted him, His reply was denial then when i found out for sure , i was told to deal with it, do u think he could be sued
I am sorry that this happened to you. Just so you know, you have responded to a 12 year old thread. Most of the people who posted to it are no longer posting here.
I might have missed something, but “most likely he” what? Is the one cheating? I know WAY too many men who have been cheated on to make this about either one gender.
I think it should be a tort case, failure to fulfil one’s contractual duties. If one doesn’t want to get sued for not being faithful, one ought to stipulate as such in a marriage contract or a pre-nuptial agreement. Though there could be a negative burden: unless the marriage contract explicitly states the couples are to be monogamous, no breach of contract could be assumed. It seems either of these avenues would be a more fruitful approach to defending marriage, yet I somehow doubt it’ll be enthusiastically welcomed.
Welcome to the SDMB, sn1066. As has been pointed out by hajario, this is a thread that’s been inactive for about a dozen years.
I am not a lawyer, but it’s possible, based on some of the earlier answers, that you could obtain some measure of satisfaction in civil court, even if not criminal. I’d suggest you speak to a lawyer. If you’d like your question considered in this particular forum it might serve you to post it as a new thread, where your question is the topic.
Good luck.
sn1066, it all depends on state law and whether your husband knew he was infected or had reasonable cause to suspect he was infected.
For instance, in New York state, Health Law Section 2307 states that anyone who is infected with a sexually transmitted disease and has sex with another person is guilty of a misdemeanor. Strangely enough, it doesn’t say anything about informing the partner of the infection.
Many jurisdictions have criminal or health laws to protect the public against individuals knowingly spreading STDs. Criminal charges, however, don’t customarily fine the offender and give the money to the person harmed. For that, you need a civil case. Any good lawyer will tell you up front how difficult it would be to win a civil case.
- you need to prove that your partner knew he had the infection.
- you need to prove that your partner knew he could infect you.
- you need to prove that you had a reasonable belief of fidelity, not a given anymore
- you need to be able to prove there was no other route you could have gotten the infection, ie that you weren’t having sex with someone else.
- you need to prove that he was infected first and then infected you.
Even if you can manage all that, it’s no sure thing. Get a couple of reactionary jury members who think a sexually transmitted disease is a moral judgment, and they might very well leave you twisting in the wind with all the lawyers’ fees to pay.
In the twelve years since I wrote the OP, I’ve dealt with so much other crap, that this particular episode is faded and tawdry. I don’t want it taking up space in my head or room in my heart. I’ve even had to deal with an incurable STD - herpes. The fallout from that makes my previous STD (trichomoniasis) look like a walk in the park.
My best advice is to take care of yourself. Get the necessary treatment for the disease and the emotional support you need to cope with the betrayal. Move on, leave him behind, and go live your life as best you can. It’s a horrible thing to know that people are capable of doing such harm to someone they’re supposed to love. It’s worse to be on the receiving end. But wouldn’t it be that much worse if you drew out your own suffering by pursuing revenge?
These posts were originally made to this thread from 2000. Since that thread is a debate and the OP seems to be looking for advice, I’ve split off the new posts and I’m moving them to IMHO.
That’s an amazing display of mod powers.
Isn’t his behavior reckless endangerment? Going to a website specifically for STD infected people and then continuing to have sex with his wife, that seems like something you could sue over. Did he have the STD when he went to the site? Or did he go there and get more/different STDs?
In my state, evidence of infidelity and transmission of STDs would be admissable in a fault based divorce, and could be considered in dividing the marital property. Could even have some bearing on child custody issues, if children are involved.
IANAL, but I think reckless endangerment/attempted murder is limited to the conscious spread of STDs which are a lot more serious than herpes (like HIV). But the law on this is, as always, going to depend. From a quick googling, I found that NY and Alabama both have laws on the books which make it a misdemeanor to refrain from informing your partner about your STDs, and it’s not limited to HIV. I wouldn’t assume that’s the default in the OP’s state, though. She needs to consult a lawyer.
There are ways to get revenge on a cheating spouse besides a lawsuit . . . just sayin’.
In the meantime, get yourself the meanest nastiest divorce lawyer you can find.
There are dating sites for people with STDs?
No, please don’t link me to prove it! I think I’d rather live in ignorance.
Why would you say something like this?
Are you under the impression that sexually transmitted bacteria, virii, and parasites only infect bad people? Or do you believe that if a person has contracted an STD, they should never have sex again?
Of course there are dating sites for people with STDs. HIV is still incurable. So is herpes. And HPV. For many people who are infected and coping with the disease, they face an extremely difficult time in dating or finding sexual partners. Sane people don’t want to expose others to incurable infections, even if they are treatable. Most un-infected people consider an STD to be a deal-killer. So, those of us who do have an STD often decide to limit our dating pool to others with the same infection.
By the way, if you haven’t had an STD panel done since your last sexual partner, you might qualify for one of those dating boards and not even know it.
But then, you’ve already said you prefer to live in ignorance.
I don’t have any advice for the OP, unfortunately, but on the ignorance fought front, I was pretty floored when this bit of news came out of the uni I work for:
http://www.npr.org/2011/04/15/135442942/even-without-symptoms-genital-herpes-can-spread
From the article:
*"So if you look at the numbers, about 17 percent of adults - and that’s individuals between the ages of 14 and 49 years of age - have genital herpes due to HSV-2 in the United States.
Eighty-five percent of those folks don’t know they’re infected."*
and
*"So if you look at some population-based data in the United States and look at unmarried adults, meaning folks between the ages of 45 and 50, for women, we know the prevalence rate for genital herpes due to HSV-2 is between 50 and 70 percent. So we’re looking at close to the majority or the majority of folks in that age group who are single having genital herpes. " *
Bolding mine in the second quote. And the article doesn’t even talk about genital infection with HSV-1, which would add to the numbers.
Yep.
Most people infected with either version of HSV have such a mild initial outbreak they either don’t notice it or think it’s a mild flu. Most people, apparently, don’t get STD panels done before a new relationship and never find out if they have it. Boggles the mind.