So let’s say that you have somehow become commanding officer of the Black-Eyed Jacks, the U.N.'s daring, highly trained, special mission force, tasked with defending human freedom against Python, a ruthless terrorist organization determined to conquer the Earth. You’ve been at the job for while now, and it’s gotten personal between you and the Python Commandant. He hates you because you keep foiling his evil schemes; you hate him on account of that day he murdered your father; mutilated and crippled your brother; burned your ranch; shot your dog; and stole your Bible.
Anyhoo, due to your brilliant generalship and personal badassery (you got the same super-soldier treatment as Captain America), the Jacks have finally knotted Python’s coils. Your troops are storming the bad guys’ headquarters, an assault you’re leading personally. You’re leading a squad into the heart of the Snakepit when you encounter the Commandant (whom you are under orders to bring in alive or dead, but preferably the latter, as he’s already been sentence to death by the World Court for nuking London, Edinburgh, Dublin, and Belfast in a single day). Your squad cuts off his escape, but due to an unexpected vampire attack in the middle of the battle, both the Jacks and the Commandant are out of ammo. In his disgusting hiss, he says he’ll take the whole squad on if that’s what it takes, but no matter what he’s gonna make sure to kill you.
The Commandant has also received the super-soldier treatment. You two have gone mano a mano six times before; you won thrice times, he won twice, and the last time y’all had to stop mid-fight and work together to defeat an attacking T-Rex. The Commandant is alone. Oh, and the twelve guys in your squad, while all genuine badasses, are only norms.
Do you fight the Commandant solo? Why or why not?
Ridiculous answers not merely allowed but actually preferred.
Sure, I’ll take him on alone. The norms don’t stand a chance and they’ll just get in the way. And I want to slowly break and twist his body in the most painful ways possible. My father was old, my brother was pretty useless anyway, that ranch was a lot of work, and I was just using that Bible to prop open a window, but that bastard shot my dog and I’m gonna make him suffer for that.
Not only No but Fuck No. The object is to put him down, not satisfy my childish revenge fantasies. I’d go for a grapple attack and keep The Commandant from attacking while my squad bashes him in the head with big rocks and make with the stabby-stab with their Official Black-Eyed Jacks Pocket Commando Knives.
No… I’d happily let my subordinates take him out if that’s the best way to do the job, mostly because I would be able to hear my Dad saying “NO! Stab him while he’s down! Don’t do single combat! That’s stupid!”
If we’re so closely matched, the troops may be what tips the scales (so to speak), and I’m not going to take any unnecessary chances of letting him slip away. I’ll tank him while they look for openings. They’re normals, but they’re highly trained badass normals; I would trust them to know when to take a shot and when to get out of the way. If I manage to take him down before they get any licks in, so be it, but I’m not going to gamble on it.
Also, while I don’t care about the Bible, I’m a trifle disappointed that there’s no “Joan Wilder? The Joan Wilder?” option.
I’m not proud, nor do I believe in fighting fair and I’ll take any advantage I can get, fair, unfair, or downright mean. If my team can knife Python in the back while I distract him, so much the better. And new snakeskin boots all around!
I challenge him to fight me solo and bare handed, but my squad knows what’s going on so when he’s distracted, or especially if he’s got me pinned/held/choked and starts the monologue, they’ll rush him with knives or whatever backup weapons they have. I’m not really the squeaky-clean hero type
I immediately thought of this always appropriate quote from Spaceballs:
Princess Vespa:
My hair, he shot my hair. Son of a bitch!
My version? My dog, he shot my dog. Son of a bitch!
NO ONE shoots my dog and gets away with it. Although I’m normally a mild-mannered HR lady, like Princess Vespa, there are somethings that are sacrosanct. I’m blowin’ this sucker away. Singlehandedly. And I may do it twice!
Black-Eyed Jackes sounds like a great name for a British squad, therefor I would suggest Marquess of Queensberry rules. I expect when he’s down he will pull a dagger sized light saber out of his sock, being a blaggard it will be red, and try to attack me with it the second my back is turned. One of my men will yell out “Watch it Gov’nr!” which will be my cue to artfully turn and dodge the attack causing the Commandant to fall on his weapon and die by his own hand. I’ll give one of my sanctimonious quips and we’ll be back to base in time for kippers.
