This is one of a multitude of reasons why I do not believe in 50/50 physical custody, except MAAAAAYBE under some very unusual circumstances. She actually tried that after her first divorce, and it worked out about as well as it usually does - as in the kids were totally estranged from him and his extended family within a few years, and AFAIK he’s not interested enough in them to really care one way or another.
My BFF’s brother and his first wife also did 50/50, and he did pay child support to equalize their resources. In this case, the kids moved in with him full-time one by one as soon as they turned 14, in large part because of all the creepy guys she kept bringing home.
I know I’ve said this here before, and been disagreed with, but I have personally known men who said they planned to get married with the intention of treating their wives poorly after the kids arrived, so he would be a divorced dad - in other words, all the fun and none of the responsibility. In addition, they also said that if they could, they would disappear from the kids’ lives after the divorce and then make the Big Hero Dad Comeback when the kids were teenagers, presumably so they could party with them and maybe even sleep with their girl friends. :eek:
Between your OP and this statement, you show yourself to be extremely biased. You admit you’re making assumptions about the family in question.
Having successfully done the 50/50 physical custody thing for over a decade, and knowing other families who have done the same, it frequently works out just fine.
The problems that Dangerosa’s friends are experiencing are far from universal. Her friends assumed that expenses would be shared 50/50. My divorce agreement lays out the proportions of what we’re each supposed to pay for expenses.
Maybe Dangerosa’s friends should re-check their agreements to see if the expense language is in there. If not, perhaps they can get their agreements amended.
As it happens, my ex and I are really casual about splitting expenses, as in “I bought him shoes last time. Can you get him shoes this time?” Sometimes it’s “I paid $X for this pile of school expenses. Can you send me a check for $Y?” (Y would be my % as laid out in our agreement) We both pay for things without asking for reimbursement, too. It all washes out in the end. BUT - If the ex wasn’t good about paying his part, I’d certainly itemize everything and send him a bill as per the terms of our agreement.
And if the parent refuses to pay for the doctor bills, school fees, etc. even if it’s in the divorce decree and they have the money to do it? That was deliberately gender-neutral.
I’m going to add that my female relative was going to play the sexual abuse card with the kids from her first marriage, and didn’t do it only because they said that it was not true and they were not going to go along with it. :eek:
Dangerosa, both of them have had erratic work histories for all their adult lives.
Nope, not all his fault, I don’t care what she says. :dubious:
Abandonment is when a parent leaves and never contacts you again, like my father did to me and my sibs. It was likely for the best, as he was an alcoholic, but I always wondered what he was like on a personal level.
I left my wife of 23 years, but I never abandoned my kids, even when I was “thousands of miles away.” There were some rocky times with them, as some of them felt betrayed or abandoned at first, but they eventually all came to realize that life is unpredictable and sometimes doesn’t work out like one hopes. I have remained in contact with them always, regardless of where my jobs took me, visited whenever I could, and had them come visit me when they could, even in Africa. In fact, I’ll be seeing them tomorrow when I fly out to where they all live now.
+1 When it works, nobody bitches about it. (well, I have been known to be a grouchy bitch from time to time when writing the monthly check to my ex–essentially paying her for fucking other dudes and being an abusive hag to me while we were married)
The divorce was about her and me, but as much as we hated each others’ guts we weren’t going to make the kids suffer unduly from that. Over the past decade, the 50/50 thing became rather sloppily administered as dictated by the kids’ needs and preferences (son wanted to hang with me, daughters didn’t like stepmom so they hung out with mom, kids developed some medical expenses that I could afford and she couldn’t so I paid, etc.).
My stepson’s dad has been worse than useless, however. Abandonment would have been better for all involved, but he lacks the intestinal fortitude to just stay the hell out of the kid’s life.
I’ve been on the verge of divorce since I was married 12 years ago. I’m sure I’ve shared some details over the years; I won’t mention them here. I’ve pretty much gone from the stance that I never wanted to go a single day without my daughter to the point that I’d happily cut a monthly check and become a part-time dad. Full abandonment I’d never go for. My biological father did that before I was born and made it pretty clear when I tracked him down that he was happy with his decision.
I have witnessed several seemingly normal people at least entertain abandoning their children while leaving a marriage, usually 1 or both of these circumstances: 1. mental illness/addiction (which might be better for all Involved, I suppose) 2. Affairs, in which the parent behaves as if she/he is mentally ill, because the initial stages of romantic love/lust are not based in reality and usually leave people acting irrationally. They would “do anything to be with” the 3rd party, even when it comes to mothers abandoning their children and the other guy isn’t available.
I didn’t want custody after my divorce. I wanted the kids to stay in their same house. I had unlimited visitation and access. I worked 2 and 3 jobs for about 15 years getting through college and all but never resented a minute of it. The funny thing was those were the brokest days of my life but some of the best memories and fun.
What saga? You seem to have created a saga in your own head. Marriages and relationships go through all sorts of ups and downs, some are survivable, others not so much. Yay that this family appears to be muddling through…kudos to them. I guess?
I understand that they are ‘family’ (extended anyway) but why do you care enough to post about their dramas (or whatever passes for a drama in your mind) on this MB?
This branch of my family tree has endless drama, most of it self-inflicted. Can’t say I’m the only Doper with relatives like this.
For that matter, I’ve had 3 women unfriend and block me on Facebook for posting “We are finished! We are through! This time, he’s out of my life for good!” and I replied, “Yeah, right. How many times have we heard that before?”
Not every parent is mentally healthy. Depression can make you think that your kids would be better off without you in their lives. Some mothers kill their children because postpartum psychosis makes them think the children are better off dead.
Or themselves because they think the child will be better off without them.
Publicserviceannouncement/ Please come to the hospital and abandon your baby to me if you feel compelled to harm.
Post partum mood and anxiety disorders are nobodies fault, they strike people with no prior history, and they respond to treatment, please ask for help/ PSA
